(no subject)
so this whole week is just ......egh.... i'm hating life right now.
in fact....my life pretty much eats it.
so where to begin thinking about crap.
how about ....N. The last time that i saw him was on Saturday. We made plans Tuesday to get together to talk. I didn't want him to come to my house. No more of that. Its bad karma. I can't sleep in a room with so much anger settling. so i met him at the book mill. I got lost getting there but finally got there. i ordered noodles then couldn't eat them. i couldn't talk either. i didn't really know what to say to him or how to act around him. I just hated it. He looked so cute . his cheeks were all pink from the sun. his eyes still green and warm shaped like big heavy almonds. He was trying. :)
And right now he is all that i can think about . all day in class....i almost broke down crying. i had a panic attack sitting in class today. i got really really dizzy and felt like i would pass out. i literally couldn't force myself to think of anything else but him.
i tried to focus but the work was so boring and i didn't understand so much that i couldn't.
saturday , we walked around i bought some books of poetry, he got a few. he rode his new motorcycle. he asked me to stop at his house to talk for a minute. so we got there. and i just sat down on his bed. it was really a weird feeling. i felt awkward i guess. or maybe i was just making myself act and feel that way.
he asked if i thought any more about what we had talked about. i don't remember what was said after that....but eventually i just was like what do you want from me? what are we? what do i tell people?
he said nicole i told you i need to be alone right now.
i instantly get angry. even now.
what do i say to that? i said.....how many times....have i taken you back....tried.....asked for space and you convinced me to come back...and now this and you just drop it all.....
the um worst thing to say......
i m just so hurt and mad.....and i miss him.
i tell him that.
" i miss you"
through the whole conversation i can't remember everything but i can remember pieces of what we said to each other.
he said you betrayed me . you cheated on me. that is what you did. you expect me to just forget it instantly like poof make my heart forget it.
i said mean things like " you are a coward. i can't believe i wasted my time with you. i should have left when i needed to. this was a mistake.
i told him i left someone that i loved to be with you. i left you three times and came back to you.
God, i was being so pathetic.
he asked me
why would you still want to be with me? you seemed so unhappy while we were together.
i told him " i fucking told you about cori, i told you i was staying over there. i told you. i spent valentines day with him and not you. you didn't even care. i begged you to take me skiiing or to a museum or just out to dinner. you said that you would and you never did.
he asked " what would i have to change so that you would not cheat on me again?"
and that question threw me for a loop.
everything that it implies.
that he did something to make me cheat on him. that he would need to change to make me not do it again.
and then his other side.....that stubborn side will rise up and say "hell no! she is the one who cheated on you. you will not change yourself for anyone. especially not a girl who cheated on you. " i'm speculating
he said, i always told myself that if someone i was with ever did that (slept with someone else) i would leave them. that would be it. but now that i'm here in this situation its not that simple. i dont' know what to do.
he said things like, Are you mad at me? why are you mad at me?
i just really want all of this to not be happening.
i just really wish that i could take every single side step.....mis guided thought. insecurity back. and have my boyfriend again.
have the one that i love.
it took this talk crying and upset....for me to even realize what he really meant when we said
me: why didn't you just let me go? i need the time then i needed it.
him: i was stubborn. i was affraid. i didn't want to loose you. i probably should have let you have that time.
he kept saying i thought you were a really sweet girl....and i knew there is that other side of you. you told me that is you.
so now he is loosing hope in me...
and i find myself... .missing him...and still loosing hope in him....
i think about all of the ways that he actually hurt me..... ways that i dont know or think that he can change.......
it was that question..... what would i have to change to make you not cheat on me again?
i would have to feel like i was a part of his life...a priority in his life... not just a side note....
i would need to feel equal to him. in importance and intelligence.
what a fucking ass. to make me feel insubordinate to him. seriously.
even in the morning when i woke up and i was really thinking hard. everything seemed crystal clear..
i realized how hard it would be for that to actually happen. how much it would hurt me along the way...waiting for him......to fix those things.....first to realize what i meant.....then change.... i realized how much he had hurt me already.
i realized that i'm not ready to go back to that yet either.
his motorcycle....is giving him the single freedom that he wants right now.....he decided to buy it...before i told him. then he bought it the next day or so.
i dont know if it wil
l be a good thing in relation to our relationship or a really bad thing....
god now i feel like i'm just waiting ..........so vulnerable for the very next guy....to litterally walk through the door....of the haymarket...and solve all of my problems.....distract me. hold me. love me.
but right now it won't be nick and that makes me so sad. and yet i stil look up and hope.
so maybe this bike will rebuild the confidence that he has lost....his sense of self will return...with summer days on the bike. time away from me will heal the wounds but will it drive him away forever i don't know
He tells me that .......he doesn't want to loose me completely. he doesn't want me to just erase him....
i was being mean and said that is what i had to do.. i needed that.... its just too hard......
the mixed messages....are too hard for me. too hard.
he doesn't want us to just stop talking completely ...........not that we are going to go out and get a coffee tomorrow....or next week......or this week i can't remember what he said. ... but "it would just hurt too much to just erase you"
i felt like i was begging him.....saying ....
i said can i stay with you ........
him : nicole i need my space.
me: i need to stay
him: ok. you can stay. are you tired? lets go to sleep
then we just went to sleep.
i asked to stay ..he let me.
i cant just stop loving him. but i also can't be destroyed by this. i'm analyzing it and its driving me crazy.
i feel soooo lonely. and its like only been a few hours. i feel lonely just sitting in this coffee shop. i hate this town. i hate my appartment. i can't think of what else to do. or .........ugh.
in fact....my life pretty much eats it.
so where to begin thinking about crap.
how about ....N. The last time that i saw him was on Saturday. We made plans Tuesday to get together to talk. I didn't want him to come to my house. No more of that. Its bad karma. I can't sleep in a room with so much anger settling. so i met him at the book mill. I got lost getting there but finally got there. i ordered noodles then couldn't eat them. i couldn't talk either. i didn't really know what to say to him or how to act around him. I just hated it. He looked so cute . his cheeks were all pink from the sun. his eyes still green and warm shaped like big heavy almonds. He was trying. :)
And right now he is all that i can think about . all day in class....i almost broke down crying. i had a panic attack sitting in class today. i got really really dizzy and felt like i would pass out. i literally couldn't force myself to think of anything else but him.
i tried to focus but the work was so boring and i didn't understand so much that i couldn't.
saturday , we walked around i bought some books of poetry, he got a few. he rode his new motorcycle. he asked me to stop at his house to talk for a minute. so we got there. and i just sat down on his bed. it was really a weird feeling. i felt awkward i guess. or maybe i was just making myself act and feel that way.
he asked if i thought any more about what we had talked about. i don't remember what was said after that....but eventually i just was like what do you want from me? what are we? what do i tell people?
he said nicole i told you i need to be alone right now.
i instantly get angry. even now.
what do i say to that? i said.....how many times....have i taken you back....tried.....asked for space and you convinced me to come back...and now this and you just drop it all.....
the um worst thing to say......
i m just so hurt and mad.....and i miss him.
i tell him that.
" i miss you"
through the whole conversation i can't remember everything but i can remember pieces of what we said to each other.
he said you betrayed me . you cheated on me. that is what you did. you expect me to just forget it instantly like poof make my heart forget it.
i said mean things like " you are a coward. i can't believe i wasted my time with you. i should have left when i needed to. this was a mistake.
i told him i left someone that i loved to be with you. i left you three times and came back to you.
God, i was being so pathetic.
he asked me
why would you still want to be with me? you seemed so unhappy while we were together.
i told him " i fucking told you about cori, i told you i was staying over there. i told you. i spent valentines day with him and not you. you didn't even care. i begged you to take me skiiing or to a museum or just out to dinner. you said that you would and you never did.
he asked " what would i have to change so that you would not cheat on me again?"
and that question threw me for a loop.
everything that it implies.
that he did something to make me cheat on him. that he would need to change to make me not do it again.
and then his other side.....that stubborn side will rise up and say "hell no! she is the one who cheated on you. you will not change yourself for anyone. especially not a girl who cheated on you. " i'm speculating
he said, i always told myself that if someone i was with ever did that (slept with someone else) i would leave them. that would be it. but now that i'm here in this situation its not that simple. i dont' know what to do.
he said things like, Are you mad at me? why are you mad at me?
i just really want all of this to not be happening.
i just really wish that i could take every single side step.....mis guided thought. insecurity back. and have my boyfriend again.
have the one that i love.
it took this talk crying and upset....for me to even realize what he really meant when we said
me: why didn't you just let me go? i need the time then i needed it.
him: i was stubborn. i was affraid. i didn't want to loose you. i probably should have let you have that time.
he kept saying i thought you were a really sweet girl....and i knew there is that other side of you. you told me that is you.
so now he is loosing hope in me...
and i find myself... .missing him...and still loosing hope in him....
i think about all of the ways that he actually hurt me..... ways that i dont know or think that he can change.......
it was that question..... what would i have to change to make you not cheat on me again?
i would have to feel like i was a part of his life...a priority in his life... not just a side note....
i would need to feel equal to him. in importance and intelligence.
what a fucking ass. to make me feel insubordinate to him. seriously.
even in the morning when i woke up and i was really thinking hard. everything seemed crystal clear..
i realized how hard it would be for that to actually happen. how much it would hurt me along the way...waiting for him......to fix those things.....first to realize what i meant.....then change.... i realized how much he had hurt me already.
i realized that i'm not ready to go back to that yet either.
his motorcycle....is giving him the single freedom that he wants right now.....he decided to buy it...before i told him. then he bought it the next day or so.
i dont know if it wil
l be a good thing in relation to our relationship or a really bad thing....
god now i feel like i'm just waiting ..........so vulnerable for the very next guy....to litterally walk through the door....of the haymarket...and solve all of my problems.....distract me. hold me. love me.
but right now it won't be nick and that makes me so sad. and yet i stil look up and hope.
so maybe this bike will rebuild the confidence that he has lost....his sense of self will return...with summer days on the bike. time away from me will heal the wounds but will it drive him away forever i don't know
He tells me that .......he doesn't want to loose me completely. he doesn't want me to just erase him....
i was being mean and said that is what i had to do.. i needed that.... its just too hard......
the mixed messages....are too hard for me. too hard.
he doesn't want us to just stop talking completely ...........not that we are going to go out and get a coffee tomorrow....or next week......or this week i can't remember what he said. ... but "it would just hurt too much to just erase you"
i felt like i was begging him.....saying ....
i said can i stay with you ........
him : nicole i need my space.
me: i need to stay
him: ok. you can stay. are you tired? lets go to sleep
then we just went to sleep.
i asked to stay ..he let me.
i cant just stop loving him. but i also can't be destroyed by this. i'm analyzing it and its driving me crazy.
i feel soooo lonely. and its like only been a few hours. i feel lonely just sitting in this coffee shop. i hate this town. i hate my appartment. i can't think of what else to do. or .........ugh.