thoughts of death.
the equation of my life is not adding up and my time is running out. the timed test of my life is almost over and as of yet i've failed. i have so many things to do before being considered a positive addition to society. was i meant to fulfill that role or will i fall short like i always have? one person cannot change the world or affect enough people to make a difference. what and why and for whom do i live for except to live and to love?
if that is my goal in this world, when do i know if i've won or if ive failed or passed the marker or the chance to make it happen? when do i know when i still have potential or when i'm considered a lost cause? when does my education limit my life and hold me back? does being a failure at all the expected milestones in life make you a failure or just mean you can't be anything important? is being important or significant defined by society or by your own criteria? according to both, i'm a failure and i know that my life is not over and i can still make changes but if i will always consider myself a failure, does if matter if the world thinks i am or not?
why do people live and spend money and love? their efforts are always fruitless, and no one amounts to any more than another person. if i was gone, people would still live and love and be happy and they would all fail at their goals and be failures in society, regardless of the fact if i was here or not. but where does death put you on the social ladder? are you the ultimate failure- to the point that you cannot change the view of anyone else or yourself and you give it all up to your shortcomings and acknowledge you can't change a thing about your life and the things in it? is being alive saying to the world that you can better yourself and that your worldly possessions and goals are worth more than admitting there are still people who hate you and don't care about you? that you'd rather have fun and enjoy the things in your life that make you forget that your mother hates you and your lover doesn't love you? isn't it naive to live in this world of failed expectations pretending they don't matter so you don't do anything irrational? is staying alive the last expecation society asks of you and the only reason most people don't kill themselves the same force that drive you to graduate from high school? dying is announcing to the world that you don't giver a fuck that you're a failure and you really just don't or cant fix the characteristics or situations in your life that you get drunk about. sto trying to fool the world by staying alive and not crossing the last line - its truly the last fuck you to yourself and all the expectations that dwell in your head and your heart and your life. once a failure, always a failure.. acknowledge it and just let go.
if that is my goal in this world, when do i know if i've won or if ive failed or passed the marker or the chance to make it happen? when do i know when i still have potential or when i'm considered a lost cause? when does my education limit my life and hold me back? does being a failure at all the expected milestones in life make you a failure or just mean you can't be anything important? is being important or significant defined by society or by your own criteria? according to both, i'm a failure and i know that my life is not over and i can still make changes but if i will always consider myself a failure, does if matter if the world thinks i am or not?
why do people live and spend money and love? their efforts are always fruitless, and no one amounts to any more than another person. if i was gone, people would still live and love and be happy and they would all fail at their goals and be failures in society, regardless of the fact if i was here or not. but where does death put you on the social ladder? are you the ultimate failure- to the point that you cannot change the view of anyone else or yourself and you give it all up to your shortcomings and acknowledge you can't change a thing about your life and the things in it? is being alive saying to the world that you can better yourself and that your worldly possessions and goals are worth more than admitting there are still people who hate you and don't care about you? that you'd rather have fun and enjoy the things in your life that make you forget that your mother hates you and your lover doesn't love you? isn't it naive to live in this world of failed expectations pretending they don't matter so you don't do anything irrational? is staying alive the last expecation society asks of you and the only reason most people don't kill themselves the same force that drive you to graduate from high school? dying is announcing to the world that you don't giver a fuck that you're a failure and you really just don't or cant fix the characteristics or situations in your life that you get drunk about. sto trying to fool the world by staying alive and not crossing the last line - its truly the last fuck you to yourself and all the expectations that dwell in your head and your heart and your life. once a failure, always a failure.. acknowledge it and just let go.