ever feel so alone..
i have been in a state of panic for a few days now. I have had so many fucked up emotions running through me and im cant seem to concentrate on anything. Im scared to death about getting my tooth pulled, me and jae fight all the time, im sick of my living situation , work stresses me out at times, im having an identity crisis lately.. Its so weird how i can feel all these things and not have one simple solution for anything. My uncle Earl went into the hospital a few days ago and he is pretty old. He now has stomache cancer, that he just found out about and today is roberts birthday and we get a phone call saying now the cancer has spread completely through his body and they are giving him mere weeks left.. Now usually when people are told this they think about all of the life they have left to live and how with faith they can make it past those weeks and move past medical limitations. However he is 82, and has already been treated for colon cancer and he is pretty much completely blind and he has severe diabetes, so something tells me that its a little too late for any optimisum.. This is so strange. I have'nt been around death or had it hit so close to home as it's hitting now. My heart really hurts and im starting to feel so much guilt like that i never thanked him for my birthday card this year, and how there were probably so many oppertunities that i could have had to see him and i didnt. I am going to try to make it out to the hospital and somehow make peace with myself.. It's one of these times that i wish i really wasnt me and i was so strong and not so attached to .. everything. When you learn to accept that things wont last forever (including beloved family members) It is much easier to accept them when they are gone. Who the hell is really like that??, because i am so sentimental beyond belief and for some reasons my feelings are to the extreme highs and lows.. Right now i feel so utterly helpless and alone. Im starting to think that maybe me and jae arent so on the same page that i thought we were, It's pretty pathetic i have to express myself on an online journal .. I really wish i could dissapear for awhile..