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Daddy's Rules
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you had better be delivering a package because you are sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please do not take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I am sure you have been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, police officers, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies that feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks’ homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. However, on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway, you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Derrick & Lily
Derrick: I guess we’re the leftovers in this world.
Lily: I think so. All of my friends have boyfriends and we’re the only two people without any special person in our lives.
Derrick: Yup... I don’t know what to do.
Lily: I know! We’ll play a game.
Derrick: What game?
Lily: I’ll be your girlfriend for 30 days and you’ll be my boyfriend.
Derrick: That’s a great plan. In fact, I don’t have anything to do much for the following weeks.
DAY 1: They watch their first movie and they’re both touched by the romantic film.
DAY 4: They go to the beach and have a picnic. Derrick and Lily have their quality time together.
DAY 12: Derrick invited Lily to a circus and they ride through a horror house. Lily was scared and she thought she touched Derrick’s hand but she actually touched someone else’s hand. They both laughed.
DAY 15: They saw a fortune teller down the road and they asked for their future advice. The fortune teller said: “My darlings, please don’t waste the time of your life. Spend the rest of your time together, happily.” Then tears flow out from the teller’s eyes.
DAY 20: Lily invited Derrick to go to the hill and they saw a meteor. Lily mumbled something.
DAY 28: They sat on the bus and because of a bumpy road, Lily give her first kiss to Derrick by accident.
DAY 29: 11:37 pm: Lily and Derrick sat in the park where they first decided to play this game.
Derrick: I’m tired, Lily. Do you want anything to drink? I’ll buy you one. I’ll just go down the road.
Lily: An apple juice. That’s all. Thank you.
Derrick: Okay. wait for me.
20 MINUTES LATER A STRANGER APPROACHED LILY.
STRANGER: Are you a friend of Derrick?
Lily: Yes, why? What happened?
STRANGER: A reckless driver ran over Derrick. He’s in critical condition in the hospital.
11:57 pm: The doctor walked out of the emergency room. He handed Lily an apple juice and a letter.
DOCTOR: We found this in Derrick’s pocket.
Lily reads the letter and it says:
Lily, these past few weeks, I realized you are a really cute girl and I’m really falling for you, your cherished smile, your everything. When we played this game, before this game would end, I would like you to be my girlfriend for the rest of my life. I love you Lily.
Lily crumpled up the paper and shouted: Derrick! I don’t want you to die. I love you. Remember that night when we saw a meteor. I mumbled something. I mumbled that I wish we would be together forever and that we would never have to end this game. Please don’t leave me, Derrick I love you! You can’t do this to me!
Then the clock strikes 12... Derrick’s heart stopped pumping.
IT WAS THE 30th DAY.
Guys...what does the name say for your man?
Adams are not dependable and get drunk alot
Aarons are dependable and talented.
Allens are preppy.
Alexes like porno, and are usually hot in a skater kind way.
Andy... Everyone has an Andy
Andrews like to have a good time.
Bens are the smart, silent type.
Bills are the ones everyone chases and no one gets to keep.
Brads try too hard and most often don't measure up.
Braidens are total bastards and users.
Brandons are dedicated and helpful.
Bretts are shy and clumsy.
Brians are always mysterious?!?!
Bobbys are full of themselves and don't care about alot.
Calebs never grow up.
Carters are rich, power-hungry snobs.
Chads are hot; quiet but interesting once you get inside
Charlies are walking sex.
Chris' are undefined and should remain so.
Christians are proper and boring in bed.
Chucks wear their heart on their sleeves.
Clays have more mood swings than a woman, but can always seem to make you smile.
Coopers are adorable, sweet, and extremely loving, but can sometime confuse you with those feelings.
Codys-are fat
Craigs are a little misguided.
Dans are thick-headed.
Dannys come off as total jerks but once u get 2 know them ther really sweet
Danes are well rounded with hiden talents.
Daves are impossible to deal with, but impossible to get over.
Dennis' are desperate flirts.
Derricks get you in the mood.
Devons are destined for trouble.
Dillons are grungy and just skronny.
Doug is the nice guy that repulses you.
Dylans are total babes and are respectful.
Eds are the best pals.
Eddies are fast.
Elliots are cute but irresponsible.
Erics are forgettable.
Ethans smell.
Franks are Italian Stallions.
Fred is in the chess club.
Fredericks could be snotty.
Garys are gross Nazi's.
Gails-are naughty
Georges are mild-mannered and have weight problems.
Glens are either short or intelligent.
Gregs are bizarre.
Initial-Name guys are cool.
Jakes are insecure and slightly repulsive.
Jacobs are easy going and original.
James' are egotistical.
Jareds think they are the best thing since sliced bread.
Jasons are intelligent and handsome.
Jeffs are cuddly and adorable.
Jerrys are slimy. haha
Jeremys are a tad fruity.
Jims are macho, but reliable.
Jimmys are sweet and sexy.
Joes are thoughtful; sometimes awkward shy-guys in first date situations.
Joels are frustrated; tend to hang out with Nelsons.
Jonathans are shy at first, but easy going.
Johns are party animals, and love to have fun.
Joshes are romantic, but tend to get jealous.
Justins mess with your mind.
Kevins have swanky hair and lack of motivation.
Keith is built, but dry and annoying. It's like dating a broom.
Keegans are independant, outspoken, and flirty.
Kens just don't measure-up.
Kennys are annoying and are like little babys.
Korys are sexy and sweet and dreamy until u really get to know them
Kyles are only interested in lifes pleasures.
Kurt... There is always something wrong with a Kurt.
Leonards are avid bug collectors.
Lesters are boring.
Lonnies are nasty.
Lukes are dreamers.
Marcus' are players
Marks are touchy, often moody.
Martins have a strange sense of humor.
Matts are sexy and funny and are lots of fun intimately.
Mikes are rascally, troublesome guys but are usually nice.
Nates are cocky for a reason.
Nelsons are home-schooled and sheltered.
Nicks are jerks, immature and only want your body.
Owens have large families and drive fast.
Patricks are incredibly sexy.
Pauls suffer from male-pattern baldness.
Peters are stalkers.
Phils are cute and sensitive but geeky.
Philips are more geeky, but equally sensitive.
Quentins are naturally adorable
Rays are players but majorly hot!
Randys have facial hair problems and pyro tendencies.
Richard-Dick, need I say more?
Rickies are very senstive, cute, and charming!
Robs are sleazy and make you feel cheap.
Roberts- are hot tempered but have a good sence of humor
Robins are tormented.
Rods are (as is the name itself) perverted
Rogers are pains in the booty.
Rons are wealthy, and usually have bad hair.
Roys are child like in the best way possible.
Ryans know how to treat girls and r unforgettable!
Sams just like getting into bed.
Scotts are hormonal and usually bad news.
Shawns (or Seans) come off as arrogant,but are sweet in
one-on-one situations.
Shanes are shady.
Simons are thin.
Steves are extremes (usually extremely good looking/extremely bad/extremely emotional, etc...)
Stevens are gay.
Tadd, see Tommy
Theos (or Theodores) always make you smile.
Teds are ditzy but still make you smile.
Terrys are dependable and friendly.
Tims are reliable but emotionally needy.
Timothys like to be mommied.
Todds are sweet, sporty guys.
Toms are nerdy but poetic. They have that inner something.
Tommys are way too possesive & need to get a life
Tony... see Frank.
Travis' are genetically small.
Tylers r jock pricks
Tysons are extremely confident in all situations.
Vances are good conversationalists
Wesleys are romantic.
Williams are fat. haha
Zacks are good looking, but dumb.
Friendship Saves
When I was a freshman in high school, I saw a kid from my class was walking home from school. His name was Kyle. It looked like he was carrying all of his books. I thought to myself, "Why would anyone bring home all his books on a Friday? He must really be a nerd."
I had quite a weekend planned (parties and a football game with my friends tomorrow afternoon) so I shrugged my shoulders and went on.
As I was walking, I saw a bunch of kids running toward him. They ran at him, knocking all his books out of his arms and tripping him so he landed in the dirt. His glasses went flying,and I saw them land in the grass about ten feet from him. He looked up and I saw this terrible sadness in his eyes.
My heart went out to him. I jogged over to him and as he crawled around looking for his glasses, I saw a tear in his eye. As I handed him his glasses, I said, "Those guys are jerks. They really should get lives." He looked at me and said, "Hey, thanks!" There was a big smile on his face. It was one of those smiles that showed real gratitude.
I helped him pick up his books and asked him where he lived. As it turned out, he lived near me so I asked him why I had never seen him before. He said he had gone to private school before now.
I had have never hung out with a private school kid before. We talked all the way home and I carried some of his books. He turned out to be a pretty cool kid. I asked him if he wanted to play a little football with my friends. He said yes. We hung out all weekend and the more I got to know Kyle, the more I liked him and my friends thought the same of him.
Monday morning came, and there was Kyle with the huge stack of books again. I stopped him and said, "Boy, you are gonna really build some serious muscles with this pile of books everyday!" He just laughed and handed me half the books.
Over the next four years, Kyle and I became best friends. When we were seniors, we began to think about college. Kyle decided on Georgetown, and I was going to Duke. I knew that we would always be friends, that the miles would never be a problem. He was going to be a doctor and I was going for business on a football scholarship.
Kyle was valedictorian of our class. I teased him all the time about being a nerd. He had to prepare a speech for graduation.
I was so glad it was not me having to get up there and speak. Graduation day, I saw Kyle. He looked great. He was one of those guys that really found himself during high school. He filled out and actually looked good in glasses. He had more dates than I had and all the girls loved him. Boy, sometimes I was jealous.
Today was one of those days. I could see that he was nervous about his speech. So, I smacked him on the back and said, "Hey, big guy, you'll be great!" He looked at me with one of those looks (the really grateful one) and smiled. "Thanks," he said.
As he started his speech, he cleared his throat, and began. "Graduation is a time to thank those who helped you make it through those tough years; your parents, your teachers, your siblings, maybe a coach...but mostly your friends. I am here to tell all of you that being a friend to someone is the best gift you can give him or her. I am going to tell you a story."
I just looked at my friend with disbelief as he told the story of the first day we met. He had planned to kill himself over the weekend. He talked of how he had cleaned out his locker so his Mom would not have to do it later and was carrying his stuff home. He looked hard at me and gave me a little smile.
"Thankfully, I was saved. My friend saved me from doing the unspeakable."
I heard the gasp go through the crowd as this handsome, popular boy told us all about his weakest moment. I saw his mom and dad looking at me and smiling that same grateful smile. Not until that moment did I realize its depth.
Never underestimate the power of your actions. With one small gesture, you can change a person's life. For better or for worse.
God puts us all in each other's lives to impact one another in some way. Look for God in others.
Girl's names...do you live up to what your name means?
Abby's are your friends one day and not the next
Alexandria's can be nice but,boy-crazy
Alice's are nice and quiet
Alyssa's are quiet but,if they want,they can be brats
Amy's are crazy and wacky
Amanda's are smart but try to be cool
Andrea's can be really nice but,can't keep secrets
Angel's can't take a joke
Angela's are nice and always your friend
Anna's are organized
Annie's are smart, sweet and braggers(sometimes)
Ana Maria's are sweet,smart and great singers and dancers
Ariele's are popular and tall
Ashley's are sweet and outgoing
Alyssa's are shy
Becky's are small
Beth's are skinny and small, but nice
Brianna's are popular and good athletes
Britney's are great singers and dancers
Brooke's are bitches
Caitlin's are funny
Cathy's are loud
Christina's are cool and smart
Christine's are small and outgoing
Crystal's are somewhat nice, but too picky-skanks
Dana's are not shy at all
Elizabeth's have the coolest numbers and can do what they please
Elisabeth's are really sweet,pretty,and outgoing.They also have creative minds
Emma's are loud, but sensitive
Emily's are fun, talkative, smart, creative,but,they can be annoying
Erica's are sweet, smart, and everybody's friend
Erika's are nice and good at playing instruments
Erin's are controllers
Heather's are popular
Heidi's are sweet {or will be}
Holly's are weirdos who no one likes
Irene's like to fight
Jamie's can be pretty annoying and sometimes teachers pets
Jessica's are really sweet and have great singing voices
Jenna's are really good runners and are great friends,they are smart,but can be short
Jenny's are always fun, cute, and creative and flirty
Jennifer's are mean and snobby as well as liars
Jill's are usually have the best personality's
Julie's are nice but shy
Karen's are nice and funny
Katelyn's are pretty smart and talented
Kate's are weird and are just really weird
Kathleen's are fun and pretty
Kathryn's are too hyper
Kathy's are friendly, but tomboyz
Katie's are wacked out at times but,can be great friends
Kaitlin's are sometimes quiet but,they're friendly
Kaitlyn's are friendly,popular,and great runners
Kerri's are awesome they keep you on your toes
Kelly's can be back-stabbers but,they can be nice
Kim's are pretty and funny
Kristina's are pretty, they're nice friends, smart, and intelagent!
Kristen's are nice and smart
Lauren's are snobs but,can be cool to hang out withBut,they are great friends
Laura's are really nice but,aren't exactly athletes
Leah's are nice
Lindsay's get into trouble
Lisa's are sweet and
Maria's are daring and know how to have fun
Mary's are sweet and everyone's friend
Marybeth's are nice and have big hearts
Melanie's are shy and athletic
Melinda's are outgoing and powerful
Megan's are cool,popular and get lots of guys
Mia's are sweet and funny and athletic
Michelle's are liked, but dunno how to walk out their front door
Mollie's are stalkers
Monica's have a lot of boyfriends
Morgan's never shut up
Nancy's jock Anthony's
Natalie's cry about everything, EVERYTHING!
Nicole's are way too nice and sweet and gets whatever guy she wants
Patty's are cuties
Rachael's may seem great, but will stab you in the back
Samantha's know how to have a good time
Sarah's are good friends
Shannon's are unique
Stephanie's are mad cool, not uptight, and popular
Suzanne's are pretty and funny
Tammy's are trouble makers
Tara's are pretty and nice
Tiffany's Are usally sluts with big mouths
Traci's love to laugh
Victoria's are cool and have a secret
Vanessa's are shy
Wendy's are different
Whitney's are cool, and go w/ the flow
Zoey's are really cool and nice.
They are kinda shy but great friends.
Awah! Graduation from highschool...
Four years ago we stepped into high school, individuals seeking to do well, to find our identity, to find our best friend. We opened our lockers for the first time, looked at our schedules, and thought about how great it was to finally be in high school. Four years ago we met our best friend, we went to our first school dance, had a crush on a cute senior. Four years ago, we couldn't wait to get older.
Three years ago we stepped into high school believing that we owned the place. No longer the lowly freshman, we had a new attitude. We were still individuals searching for themselves, looking to fit in, wanting to achieve something. We followed our daily routines, expanded our circle of friends, and talked about parties. Three years ago we made a new best friend, went to Sweet Sixteen's every weekend, thought we were too mature for school dances. Three years ago we couldn't wait to get older.
Two years ago we became upperclassmen. We began to realize that we were growing up. We got our licenses, started driving out on weekends. Two years ago we realized who our true friends were and cherished the times we spent with them. We found where we fit in, yet still seemed to be looking for something else. Two years ago we started talking about college, thinking it was still so far away. We had our junior prom, got our rings, realized that time really does fly. But two years ago we still couldn't wait to get older.
One year ago we entered the school as seniors. We had senioritis before classes even resumed, we got to leave school early and come in late. Everything we did was the last: our last homecoming pep rally, our last season in a sport, our last birthday at home. One year ago we took our time together for granted, we went to party after party on the weekend, we rebelled, and we learned. One year ago, we still had the same best friend and cherished time spent with them. We started applying to college, far and near. We got accepted, we got rejected, and we found exactly where we wanted to go. We realized that we would no longer have the comfort of home within a year.
Now, we finally realize that we could have waited to get older. We realize that time has somehow slipped away and soon we will be saying good-bye. Saying good-bye to our friends, our family, our home maybe for a short time, maybe forever. Soon we will go to our senior prom, graduate, sit for the last time with everyone. It is the last time we will all be together, recognized as the class of (NUMBER). Now, we are getting excited about starting over, getting sad about what we will leave behind, getting anxious to move on. Now we realize just how important our best friends are, how much fun we really did have in the four years. Now we wish we could be younger. We wish we could have taken the time to appreciate every moment, to slow down time. Now we face having to say good-bye.
In one year we will return as different people. We will have experienced dorm life, eaten campus food, and met new friends. We will have joined a club, maybe a sorority, done something new. In one year we will be new people. We will still be searching for our identity, to find our niche. We will have picked majors, changed majors, passed and failed at things we tried. In one year we will know more about ourselves and what we want to become. We will remember the past times and look fondly at the memories although we will have created new memories yet one thing will still remain: in one year, we will still have that same best friend, maybe since kindergarten, maybe since high school, maybe a college roommate. That person can be found in new friends and old. Without them, we would have nothing.
Four years brought change. Friendship held us strong when things were shaky, in good times and bad, in laughter and tears, though boyfriends, bad grades, family problems, and love, our friends showed us that life was worth enjoying. With them, we wanted to grow up so quickly. Now, they are the only ones with whom we will remain forever young.
The guy's side of the story
Finally! The guy's side of the story! I must admit; it's pretty good. We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!
*Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want us to answer, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
well that's it for now...theres more but i'm too lazy to give you anymore so maybe later hah