The Dilemma of the Cat, OR, How feeling justified does not necessarily result in feeling comfortable
My housemate is taking her cat to live with her parents, tomorrow.
Because I declared that it was unfair to expect me to live with it, and unhealthy for me.
And I kind of feel bad about it.
Except that I don't.
I think she was mildly upset at me tonight, because I was interacting with the cat and then she felt that I was antogonizing him (but, hi, when it's obvious that he's gearing up to bite me, what do you want me to do, sit and wait for him to throw himself at my knee or ankle? I'm just... *gestures* I didn't think I was doing anything mean. I felt like I was just trying to occupy him to avoid being Jumped At. AGAIN. erg.). And she admitted that she kind of feels like I shouldn't even be wanting to pet him. Which I kind of don't. But I kind of do want to say goodbye. Which she understands.
'Cause ya know, the whole thing has been wierd and uncomfortable, and I have several times had second thoughts, and then third thoughts, and wondered if I was being too harsh, and I have wanted all along (from the beginning a year ago) to be kind to the cat.
And then he gears up and bites me again.
And then I have a new scratch.
*goes to put more antibiotic gel on scratch from tonight*
So, I am pausing in my being stressed out about Other Things to be stressed out about this... Except that I can't quite manage it. I want the cat gone. I am sad that this is how it has to be, and I am sorry that it didn't occur to me to do this a year ago when it would have been easier for all concerned, but now that I have faced my discomfort yet again, I find that it is merely discomfort for my friend--I am sorry that she has to move her cat, but even I can't manage to feel guilty about it... She's not even having to get rid of him permanently, and frankly, I'd be more comfortable if she did, and in the end, I really. don't. feel. bad. (Though it seems I keep expecting to.) There is a blank space where I keep expecting to find regret. She's getting rid of her pet because I don't think it's fair to expect me to live with him.... But every time I begin to wonder if I should relent, I get a new cut.
I don't want any more scars, visible or otherwise.
So, I am going to stop wavering at the edge of feeling guilty, say goodbye to the beast, and go to bed.
*sigh*
Because I declared that it was unfair to expect me to live with it, and unhealthy for me.
And I kind of feel bad about it.
Except that I don't.
I think she was mildly upset at me tonight, because I was interacting with the cat and then she felt that I was antogonizing him (but, hi, when it's obvious that he's gearing up to bite me, what do you want me to do, sit and wait for him to throw himself at my knee or ankle? I'm just... *gestures* I didn't think I was doing anything mean. I felt like I was just trying to occupy him to avoid being Jumped At. AGAIN. erg.). And she admitted that she kind of feels like I shouldn't even be wanting to pet him. Which I kind of don't. But I kind of do want to say goodbye. Which she understands.
'Cause ya know, the whole thing has been wierd and uncomfortable, and I have several times had second thoughts, and then third thoughts, and wondered if I was being too harsh, and I have wanted all along (from the beginning a year ago) to be kind to the cat.
And then he gears up and bites me again.
And then I have a new scratch.
*goes to put more antibiotic gel on scratch from tonight*
So, I am pausing in my being stressed out about Other Things to be stressed out about this... Except that I can't quite manage it. I want the cat gone. I am sad that this is how it has to be, and I am sorry that it didn't occur to me to do this a year ago when it would have been easier for all concerned, but now that I have faced my discomfort yet again, I find that it is merely discomfort for my friend--I am sorry that she has to move her cat, but even I can't manage to feel guilty about it... She's not even having to get rid of him permanently, and frankly, I'd be more comfortable if she did, and in the end, I really. don't. feel. bad. (Though it seems I keep expecting to.) There is a blank space where I keep expecting to find regret. She's getting rid of her pet because I don't think it's fair to expect me to live with him.... But every time I begin to wonder if I should relent, I get a new cut.
I don't want any more scars, visible or otherwise.
So, I am going to stop wavering at the edge of feeling guilty, say goodbye to the beast, and go to bed.
*sigh*