My fears
I had a conversation with my father a few weeks ago and he told me that I had alot of fears and that I was letting them control how I did things. I agreed that this is what I was, and am doing. He told me that you can't conquer your fears if you don't know what they are. So he suggested that I write them down and then write what the solution to getting over them might be. So here it is. I put it under a cut because its private and if you dont want to know you don't have to.
1. My biggest fear is of being completely alone. Im not talking about being alone for a couple of hours, or not being able to be with myself alone because I don't like what I see (that is not the case at all) Im afraid of being alone in the sense of not having friends or family to count on or to be around. This is my biggest fear and it plays into alot of my other fears.
1A. If I really thought hard about this I know for a fact that I won't be alone. I have friends (granted not tons but enough close ones and thats what counts) I have my family, they will be with me for my entire life, they have stuck by me when I have lied to them and hurt them. Granted I was young but they havent left me yet and I have the strong sense that they won't leave me in the future. Also to not be alone I can make my own family.
2. Im afraid of being left. I have the biggest fear that people will leave me, for something better, or just leave me because they are bored with me, or don't like me anymore. It really hinders my relationships. I have a constant worry that Jeff will leave me and Im not just talking about physically leaving me but emotionally too (aka cheating) I see how this fear pushes people away.
2A. I have to get used to the idea of "so what" My dad told me this one. I told him how Im afraid that if Im not the best or the most loving that Jeff would leave or cheat on me, or that friends will leave me if Im not my most understanding, or always available. My dads answer to my telling him this was "So what?" He told me that in his 52 years of living he has not once been able to force someone to do something that they didn't want to do. That if it isn't in their heart why do you want them around. People will leave, you will get cheated on, thats just life. That is just how people are, you can't control it. All you can do is pick up where you left off and go on with your life. It makes sense. I can't prevent Jeff cheating on me if thats what he wants to do. I can't prevent friends not wanting to be friends with me if thats what they want to do. So why worry about it! So what!
3. I have a fear of not being liked by the people that I like. I hate having people mad at me. I absolutely hate it. I hate knowing that I like someone more than they like me or I consider them more than they consider me. Ive had this fear for a while but it came to be huge a few years ago when I had the falling out with Aspen. She had told me things and I told her exactly how I felt. and that didn't go over so well at all and I lost the friendship I thought I had. Its no secret that we aren't close and it was a big hit to me to find out that I thought we were closer than she thought we were. It was like my fear realized. (sidenote: I dont care if someone I don't know and no one I know knows that person hates my guts)
3A. Im happy to say that this fear is almost completely gone! I don't care how much someone likes me anymore. It took me realizing that My support system (my family) was the most important and that if someone doesn't like me or what I say too fucking bad. Don't like me then but please go 'not like me' some place else. I will say that I now keep my mouth shut more often. I don't freely tell people what I think about something unless Ive done it before and have gotten positive feed back and truly care that that person knows what I think.
4. I have a fear of things repeating themselves, I believe this is where my fear of divorce comes from too. I don't want to repeat other peoples (or my own )mistakes. If I see someone else make a mistake I try my hardest not to make the same one. I know the ending and I feel that if I did the same mistake I would be stupid and asking for the consequences. I know what happens why do I want to repeat something that is going to not benefit me or someone I care about.
4A Sometimes this fear gets too black and while. If one stepmom did that then the next one will do it too. and thats not true they are different people. I need to let go of the past and get moving with my future because that train isnt going to wait around for ever
Last one Im going to do because well Im done doing this. These are my 5 biggest if I went on they would get small like cock roaches is a fear of mine... No point
5.I have a fear of being in debt and not being able to pay my way out of it. This goes into me being deathly afraid of Student loans. Im scared of them because Ive seen so many people never pay them off and be in this big debt with them for decades. I don't like debt and I love being on a cash basis only. Which is very good but Im afraid of loans that are huge because omg how am I ever going to pay that off I don't like debt and it scares me.
5A. I gotta remind myself that not all debt is bad and that if you dont slack then the debt will go away it won't always be there. Easier said than done lol
Well there you have it my top 5 fears and what I believe is the solution to them. Im working on them and I believe that Im doing a good job but the biggest part is to let them go. And thats what Im doing here Im letting them go. Bye bye fears
I finished writing this and then remembered another big fear. I have a fear of not knowing whats going to happen or knowing what is happening. I hate being out of the loop with things and I have this fear constantly because I dont know what God and life have in store for me and that SCARES me. I know what I want to happen but will it? I have no clue and it freaks me out. I believe this is way I love planning things out way in advance and why i get so put out when plans change
How can I get over it. Well everything that will happen, will happen no matter what I do. So there isn't a point in worrying about it. If I make good decisions I will end up in good places and if I make bad decisions Ill end up in bad places. So no use worrying about the unknown it will be known sooner or later and there wont be anything i can do to change it.
1. My biggest fear is of being completely alone. Im not talking about being alone for a couple of hours, or not being able to be with myself alone because I don't like what I see (that is not the case at all) Im afraid of being alone in the sense of not having friends or family to count on or to be around. This is my biggest fear and it plays into alot of my other fears.
1A. If I really thought hard about this I know for a fact that I won't be alone. I have friends (granted not tons but enough close ones and thats what counts) I have my family, they will be with me for my entire life, they have stuck by me when I have lied to them and hurt them. Granted I was young but they havent left me yet and I have the strong sense that they won't leave me in the future. Also to not be alone I can make my own family.
2. Im afraid of being left. I have the biggest fear that people will leave me, for something better, or just leave me because they are bored with me, or don't like me anymore. It really hinders my relationships. I have a constant worry that Jeff will leave me and Im not just talking about physically leaving me but emotionally too (aka cheating) I see how this fear pushes people away.
2A. I have to get used to the idea of "so what" My dad told me this one. I told him how Im afraid that if Im not the best or the most loving that Jeff would leave or cheat on me, or that friends will leave me if Im not my most understanding, or always available. My dads answer to my telling him this was "So what?" He told me that in his 52 years of living he has not once been able to force someone to do something that they didn't want to do. That if it isn't in their heart why do you want them around. People will leave, you will get cheated on, thats just life. That is just how people are, you can't control it. All you can do is pick up where you left off and go on with your life. It makes sense. I can't prevent Jeff cheating on me if thats what he wants to do. I can't prevent friends not wanting to be friends with me if thats what they want to do. So why worry about it! So what!
3. I have a fear of not being liked by the people that I like. I hate having people mad at me. I absolutely hate it. I hate knowing that I like someone more than they like me or I consider them more than they consider me. Ive had this fear for a while but it came to be huge a few years ago when I had the falling out with Aspen. She had told me things and I told her exactly how I felt. and that didn't go over so well at all and I lost the friendship I thought I had. Its no secret that we aren't close and it was a big hit to me to find out that I thought we were closer than she thought we were. It was like my fear realized. (sidenote: I dont care if someone I don't know and no one I know knows that person hates my guts)
3A. Im happy to say that this fear is almost completely gone! I don't care how much someone likes me anymore. It took me realizing that My support system (my family) was the most important and that if someone doesn't like me or what I say too fucking bad. Don't like me then but please go 'not like me' some place else. I will say that I now keep my mouth shut more often. I don't freely tell people what I think about something unless Ive done it before and have gotten positive feed back and truly care that that person knows what I think.
4. I have a fear of things repeating themselves, I believe this is where my fear of divorce comes from too. I don't want to repeat other peoples (or my own )mistakes. If I see someone else make a mistake I try my hardest not to make the same one. I know the ending and I feel that if I did the same mistake I would be stupid and asking for the consequences. I know what happens why do I want to repeat something that is going to not benefit me or someone I care about.
4A Sometimes this fear gets too black and while. If one stepmom did that then the next one will do it too. and thats not true they are different people. I need to let go of the past and get moving with my future because that train isnt going to wait around for ever
Last one Im going to do because well Im done doing this. These are my 5 biggest if I went on they would get small like cock roaches is a fear of mine... No point
5.I have a fear of being in debt and not being able to pay my way out of it. This goes into me being deathly afraid of Student loans. Im scared of them because Ive seen so many people never pay them off and be in this big debt with them for decades. I don't like debt and I love being on a cash basis only. Which is very good but Im afraid of loans that are huge because omg how am I ever going to pay that off I don't like debt and it scares me.
5A. I gotta remind myself that not all debt is bad and that if you dont slack then the debt will go away it won't always be there. Easier said than done lol
Well there you have it my top 5 fears and what I believe is the solution to them. Im working on them and I believe that Im doing a good job but the biggest part is to let them go. And thats what Im doing here Im letting them go. Bye bye fears
I finished writing this and then remembered another big fear. I have a fear of not knowing whats going to happen or knowing what is happening. I hate being out of the loop with things and I have this fear constantly because I dont know what God and life have in store for me and that SCARES me. I know what I want to happen but will it? I have no clue and it freaks me out. I believe this is way I love planning things out way in advance and why i get so put out when plans change
How can I get over it. Well everything that will happen, will happen no matter what I do. So there isn't a point in worrying about it. If I make good decisions I will end up in good places and if I make bad decisions Ill end up in bad places. So no use worrying about the unknown it will be known sooner or later and there wont be anything i can do to change it.