It was so great...!

[uofmluv24]

And then coming back here was a major letdown. I'm talking about Thanksgiving weekend. It was so totally awesome to spend five days with my family! I felt so loved and happy! And then Sunday just sucked. The farther I got from my sister's house, the worse I got until I got back here to my apartment and just went hysterical. I called Corinne, my friend who graduated last year, cuz I figured I haven't talked to her in a long time, and she'll totally get this whole thing. She's just as emotional as I am. So I called her, and I just figured she'd talk to me for a while to calm me down. Instead, she drove here from Bloomington! She spent a couple hours with me, and we just talked and she held me while I cried out my fears and frustrations and worries, and for a while I felt like my apartment was 'home'. I can't even begin to tell you how much I appreciated it. But then yesterday was back to the same problems. I cried three times yesterday! THREE! I cried to my friend Alice after our class in the morning, I cried to Chuck after genetics, and then I cried to Feifei and Alicia after my last class. Everyone keeps saying to call them when I'm having problems, but I feel like if I call them all the time, I'll never work through it, and that I'm just dumping my problems all over them. I don't think I'd mind as much if some of my friends would just tell me their problems and frustrations, but I'm never the one they turn to. And that makes me feel even more like I'm the only one who can't handle this kind of problem. And I tell Bryce a lot of this stuff, but he's getting annoyed with it, even though he's trying to be supportive. I just wish that I could have one of my friends be like me, and I'd get to see it. Then I'd know for sure that I'm not the only one, and I'd have someone who I could work all this stuff out with, and someone to wait with. And now I'm crying again. I'm not sure if it's cuz I'm just that depressed, cuz I'm feeling lonely, cuz I'm worried, or cuz I'm frustrated, but here I am, all alone in my apartment, crying like a little kid. And I don't know why I'm doing it, cuz I've got so much to look forward to for the rest of the week. Thursday I meet with a professor to discuss directed research, Friday I'm doing my laundry at Centennial and hanging with Chuck and Gary, and sometime this weekend I'm having a sleep over at Corinne's. Nothing I'm doing to make things better ever seems enough, and the stuff I have to look forward isn't helping anymore. I need to live somewhere that feels like a 'home', and I need to know what I'm doing with my life after I graduate. I'm terrified of graduating. I mean, it's exciting, but it means the end of an era. It's telling the world that in the eyes of society or whoever, I am ready to be an adult and I am ready for the 'real world'. But I'm not! I don't even have a job right now that I can support myself with! Mom and Dad have to pay for my apartment, my food, my gas, my bills, everything! I mean, I know that they're going to pay for tuition for undergrad, regardless, but I'm living in an apartment that I'M supposed to pay for, because it was my decision to move out of the dorms, and I"M supposed to pay for my groceries, cuz it was my decision not to get a meal plan, and I can't do it. I found a job finally, sure, but it's a shit job that takes me an hour to get to, and I've worked twice in the six or seven weeks I've been hired. Not to mention they haven't given me any paychecks yet. I'll have to call them if they call me this week.

Wow... the random meanderings of my mind. Writing this down seemed to help a little bit.

~Laterz~