surreal

[uofmcymblchiq]

Gosh, it snuck up on me....I had no time to prepare, but I've had my "say" and now he's tying up loose ends with other friends. I almost feel cheated because we hung out so out of the blue, but any time is better than no time. I am so much stronger than I once was, too...I could have kissed him tonight; I could have kissed him and made things complicated all over again...it would have been so simple to do, but how could I after he said I must treat every guy like him (cuddly, comfortable, etc). He couldn't be more wrong. Guys and intimacy terrify me. I don't date because I don't trust people, especially around my body and my heart, but for everything I have worked through with him, I have never truly feared getting hurt. Sure, I've worried superficially, but my heart of hearts just didn't. I've asked the tough questions, ones to which sometimes I really didn't want to know the answers. I've shared my mind, my spirituality, my faults, and even my body with him. He really could have hurt me, but all along he feels like HE let me down and not vice versa. I'd be lying if I said a piece of myself weren't going to Minnesota with him, or anywhere he goes thereafter. I wish he had the heart to face this all, because I realized for the first time tonight he doesn't. He's not even truly excited for his new job, his new life. He's like a child again, once bitten, twice shy. I wish I had the answers he seeks; I wish I had the power to ease his soul; I wish I could show him love as he so definitely needs to see it, but those are not my gifts to have. Only God has those gifts. A small part of me wishes I could tell him all in that kiss that I didn't give him tonight. Maybe one day he'll listen and maybe one day I'll have wisdom to share. The only thing I feel for sure is that we will always understand one another as I doubt few others can and I will always have an amazing friend in him.

Here's to the day where we can say hello again more often than goodbye. :)