almost a year
I know its been like a year almost since i last wrote on this.I know noone will probably read this but i feel like even if noone does itll help to just get it all out And i know i only ever write about how bad stuff is for me. Well the truth is its not really that bad, Not with phil in my life he's amazing and i love him loads i really do and i got a better job offer at work which means more time to do my next level in childcare and more cash to put away for my photography lessons and money so i can move to america. Just when it seems everythings going great my world seems to crumble. Things at home arent amazing..not that they ever have been but i find myself back at the point i was a few years ago, i find myself feeling the same way hoping and wishing for the same things but its never gonna happen and you think by now id accept that..i just cant seem to. My mums gone back to not caring..about anything i do anything im achieving and i know some of u would just say whatever forget about her its what i think that counts. and i know thats probably right but i cant because it matters to me what she thinks, Shes my mum. She should car. Shes never told me shes proud of me in anything that i do, shes never congratulated me either all ive ever really recieved from her is critism that i wont do well, that im not going anywhere that im a disappointment and when you hear the same things constantly for 18 years your gonna question whether theyre true.I know shes my mum and i love her so much but im questioning whether shes really a mother i mean yeh shes given me shelter and food and clothes and raised me and all of that stuff but does that really make you a mother? I always wanted that family where you could sit down and talk about your day, small talk that noone would remember when you left the table but atleast you would have sat at the table..as a family and i know its ridiculous and im being pathetic but small stuff like that, that ive never had just seems like itd have made a whole lot of difference. Marks gone back to his old ways again shouting anything and everything at me, making false accusastions he knows isnt true, My sisters a bitch constantly gettin me into trouble when ive done nothing, doing petty little things that she knows make me tick. she went for me with a knife the other day i just dont get it, i dont get her..i dont get them. Well thats a lie i do get them i dont fit into their perfect family mum him and my to younger sisters they are their own little unit, they do everything together days out, eating...vacactions they do it..i get left behind pretty much all the time. Vacations im left house sitting/looking after the animals, meal times im sitting on my own in the lounge. Ive always felt like when my mum and dad split i was just stuck in the middle and it werent a case of who got to have me more of a case of who HAD to have me then today something happened that just ...made me feel erm i dunno i sorta just feel blank and hurt my dad did something stupid, hes been depressed for a while and i think it just got to him and i feel sooo selfish for being all mememe but its like i dont get why hed do it..why hed wanna just leave me here knowing how much i need him. I dont wanna type anymore cos i feel like im just being captin repeatooo telling u the same story allll over again. And it pretty much is. So i guess i should just get over it............