Disappearance
Title - Disappearance
Author - unwritten_ideas
Rating - PG
Word Count - 6,201
Characters - Gackt, You
Disclaimer - don’t own squat and if I did, I’d be posting this with pictures
Summary - it's been nine years since You last saw Gackt, but he hasn't stopped searching
Notes - set in a world where Gackt was most definitely fired from Malice Mizer, and You never joined Job
In those years that immediately followed, You realised he should probably have seen it coming.
Due to a lot of hard work, a lot of sleepless nights and so much compromise, Gackt had made it. He had been the singer of a successful band, Gackt was appearing on television, selling out arenas… Malice Mizer even had its own well-subscribed fan club. A fan club. Back in Kyoto, when a successful night had been a crowd of fifty people and enough yen to cover the gas, a fan club was an unobtainable dream.
Oh yes… every member of CAINS:FEEL had dreamed of becoming famous, of selling their music to the masses and having their own fan club. Only Gackt had made it.
Was it any wonder that later, Gackt’s life had fallen apart?
It had been twelve years since Gackt had been fired by Malice Mizer.
It had been eleven years since he’d finally found a solo record deal as none of the labels had initially wanted to take on a visual kei singer that didn’t have a band and was unproven on his own.
It had been ten years since Gackt had lost that record deal.
It had been nine years since You, Ren or anyone else in their social circle had last heard from Gackt.
The man had seemingly disappeared.
They had all searched for him. You would never forget that morning when he had visited Gackt’s tiny apartment on the outskirts of Tokyo and found that the spare key Gackt had given him no longer fit the lock. Gackt had been very subdued in the days leading up to that morning so You had taken a sick day from his job at the local bookstore in the hope of cheering his friend up. The take out coffee from the café down the block that You had bought for them both slowly cooled as You called the landlord and found out that Gackt had gone. Paid off next month’s rent with the proceeds from selling his beloved car and simply gone.
You had called Ren and the two of them had caught the first shinkansen out of Tokyo.
Nobody in Kyoto had seen Gackt. Ren had needed to physically remove You from at least three establishments after old friends had gloated over Gackt’s fall from fame. They spent three days, You and Ren, searching all of their old haunts in the hope of finding a sign of Gackt but it appeared that he hadn’t set foot in Kyoto for quite some time.
You caught the first plane to Okinawa. He remembered visiting the island once, during his and Gackt’s college days, and Gackt had quietly pointed out all of the places he’d played as a child, the US Army base where the soldiers had humoured the inquisitive child that he had been and taught him random bits of English, the beaches where he’d spent his weekends, simply playing and relaxing under the sun that he both loved and hated equally. You retraced all of those steps but again, there was no sign of Gackt.
He’d been back on the mainland for about an hour when he received a phone call from Gackt’s elder sister.
Yes, she had spoken to Gackt.
Yes, he was fine.
No, he didn’t want to talk to You.
No, he wasn’t in Japan anymore.
No, his sister didn’t know where he was either.
No, he wasn’t coming back.
Never achieving your dream was sad. Having it ripped from you when it’s all that you lived for was, however, downright cruel.
Without Gackt there to make the hustle and bustle of Tokyo that little bit more tolerable, You packed his bags and headed back to Kyoto and his family. He didn’t give up the search though. With the help of the ever growing internet and the endless supply of fansites, You continued to try and track Gackt down.
Gackt’s disappearance had become known only a couple of weeks after it had happened, the media always did love a fall from grace after all, and numerous theories had popped up on websites about what had happened. You ignored the sightings in Japan (he knew, deep down, that Gackt had been telling the truth when he’d said he wouldn’t come back), noted down the sightings abroad and closed his eyes to the rumours of Gackt’s death.
For the first few years it had been both him and Ren that had made those long trips abroad. You had, after his return to Kyoto, given up his own dreams of being a rockstar and had instead reapplied himself to his studies, landing himself a very well paying job in the process. Ren had still had dreams and had quickly worked his way through the family money and between them, they had travelled the world after their missing friend.
It had been six years ago when Ren had finally given up and come to the conclusion that if Gackt didn’t want to be found, then no amount of searching would ever find him.
It had been five years, three hundred and sixty three days since You had last spoken to Ren.
You couldn’t give up the search because he did, to a degree, feel guilty. Gackt’s ever worsening mental state after he had been dumped by his record company and forced to take a job as a pianist for a low rent cabaret club in the backstreets of Tokyo just so that he could afford to eat had been obvious. You would find him sometimes, staring into space as the TV blared the performances of the latest big thing to hit the music scene. Or sometimes, when he dropped by Gackt’s place on his way home from work, he’d find a 1998 issue of Fool’s Mate or Arena magazine hidden beneath the colourful pages of the local newspaper. Gackt would ignore their existence and You wouldn’t dare to question him.
Now, nine years since he’d last seen Gackt or heard the man’s voice, You knew that he really should have seen it coming.
You looked into the bottom of the drink in his hand, vodka and coke with a slice of lemon and no ice, just like Gackt liked it, and wondered where all of these thoughts were coming from. He was abroad again, by his count this was his eleventh trip to America since Gackt had left, but this time, he wasn’t chasing up internet rumours. This time, it was business. The company he worked for had just landed a very lucrative American deal and as the employee with the most experience of America and the best English (You raised his glass in a silent toast to Gackt - his disappearing act was the reason for both), You had been sent to New York to further charm his company’s new partners.
The last few days had been a whirlwind of meetings, sightseeing and cosy family dinners provided by those new partners that seemed more eager to impress than You was. Tonight, he’d gone out alone, his mind heavy with things to consider, and after jumping in a cab and simply asking for a “good, but quiet bar. Not too expensive but not too cheap” the driver had taken him halfway across the city to what had to be the quietest bar in all of Manhattan.
But, it was clean, quiet and it served good quality vodka. That was all You needed.
You had lost track of how long he’d been in that bar but he knew it wasn’t a good sign when the staff that had started their shifts when he’d first arrived were now finishing them and being replaced by the poor souls doing the twilight shift. He hadn’t drunk much though. He was only on his third? Fourth? Although the vodka was good, there wasn’t much of it so he was barely feeling the effects. His third (or fourth) glass was soon empty and he made his way to the bar, ready for the next.
The barman was busy, cleaning glasses and putting them away and there were a couple of patrons sat at the bar. The old man in the corner eyed You with wariness and suspicion but You suspected that any out of towner would be met with the same greeting. The other person was a woman - bleached blonde hair, heavy make up, short skirt… She smiled at You as she took a long drink from the straw in the lurid cocktail in her hands. You didn’t smile back.
The barman was still cleaning glasses. “Er, excuse me?” You said quietly, in slightly accented English and in the least demanding tone of voice he could manage.
The barman turned around and You’s world ground to a halt.
The hair was different, back to its natural black and shorter than You had ever seen it although still long enough to frame that face. There was softness to his features that had come with age although You was pleased to see that jaw line was as harsh as ever. You could see from the way the plain black shirt that was the bar’s uniform clung to the barman’s shoulders and chest that the body it covered had muscle and thickness than You had never expected to see.
And those eyes… those eyes that no matter how fake their colour was could always see right through You, they were exactly the same. Just sadder. Defeated almost.
“Gackt?” You asked, hesitantly.
The barman dropped the glass in his hand.
You placed his empty glass on the counter before he dropped his too.
“I can’t… it…” You stammered. “It is you.”
The look on Gackt’s face reminded You of a trapped but dangerous animal that was quickly weighing up its options and deciding whether to flee… or stand and fight. Gackt gripped one of the shelves that lined the wall behind him and You could see a slight shake in Gackt’s arms as he gripped the wood even tighter.
You didn’t know whether he should speak again or wait for Gackt to come back to his senses. He’d been searching for Gackt for nine long, painful and expensive years and now he’d found him. By accident. You wasn’t prepared for this. All of those questions and well rehearsed phrases that he’d thought of over those nine years had all been forgotten until You could only think of one thing to say.
It was the one thing he promised himself that he’d never say to Gackt.
“Come home,” You said quietly.
Gackt shook his head, his grip on the wood behind him tightening. “I can’t.”
“Come home,” You repeated, this time speaking the words in their native Japanese.
Gackt screwed his eyes closed. It had been a long time since anyone had spoken to him in Japanese. “I can’t,” he repeated, also in Japanese.
“Why not?” You had also promised himself that when he finally found Gackt, he wouldn’t push him.
Another promise broken.
“Japan isn’t my home anymore,” Gackt said quietly.
Home. You paused. Throughout all of those years of chasing Gackt, You had always assumed that Gackt was running… running… running. Simply running away from a past he hadn’t wanted to face. He’d never thought for even a second that maybe, Gackt wasn’t running and was instead creating a new life and a home somewhere else.
“Is New York your home now?” You asked, equally quiet.
Gackt didn’t answer, he merely turned his head and stared out of the sparkling glass window that looked out onto the street outside.
Maybe Gackt was still running.
“I’ve been looking for you,” You stated. “For ten years, I’ve been looking for you.”
“I wish you hadn’t found me.”
“I wish I’d found you sooner,” You answered sincerely.
“I wish you hadn’t tried.”
“I wish you hadn’t left.”
Gackt sighed. “We never get what we wish for.”
“No,” You agreed. “Somebody told me once that wishes are pointless and only actions count.”
“Oh yeah?” Gackt said. He remembered speaking those words to You as if it was yesterday. “Somebody once told me that good things happen to good people. Nothing good has happened to me in over ten years so I guess that explains what kind of person I am.”
You flinched. Those had been his words once and he could still remember speaking them to Gackt after a particularly bad relationship break down had left Gackt uncharacteristically depressed. Back then, Gackt had taken the words as the little golden shimmer of hope that You had intended them to be. Now, Gackt was using them to make the rain clouds in his mind even darker.
“Have you tried to make good things happen, or have you just hidden yourself from the world?” You asked. “If you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything, remember?”
Gackt laughed, but it wasn’t a laugh of joy or mirth, but of sarcastic dismissal. “I was a fool, just a naïve dreamer who didn’t know what the real world was.”
“And what is the real world?” You asked. “A cocktail bar in Manhattan? Living half the world away from everyone who loves you? Running from your life because it doesn’t fit the plan anymore?”
Gackt’s response died in his throat when one of his colleagues, a man in his mid-forties in a shirt and tie, came walking over to him. “Friend of yours, Ryota?” the man asked Gackt as he gestured in You’s direction.
“Yes I am,” You said quickly, not giving Gackt a chance to deny it. “I’m You. Me and… Ryota,” You said with a pause, “have been friends for a long time.”
“Well, You,” the man said, “Ryota is all yours, because I’m giving him the night off.”
Gackt’s eyes widened as he turned to face his colleague. “Boss, you don’t need to do that.”
“You haven’t taken a day off in the four years you’ve worked here and there hasn’t been a single friend or family member who has called in to see you. Now that someone has, you’re taking the night off. No arguments.”
*~*~*~
There was another bar a couple of blocks away, and that’s where You found himself being led to. Gackt didn’t speak or even acknowledge his existence during the brief walk there and his anger was practically radiating from his skin.
But, he hadn’t told You to leave either, and You had to take that as a positive sign.
The bar wasn’t as nice as the one Gackt worked in. It had a lonely and cold atmosphere and struck You as the kind of bar people went to when they wanted silence and to be left alone. Gackt swiftly ordered two vodkas and sat down at a table in the corner of bar, again not waiting to see if You would follow him. As You made his way over to Gackt, talking his time in order to compose his thoughts but not taking too long because he still feared that Gackt would run away again, he realised that Gackt looked perfectly at home in such a depressing and distant place.
Gackt had once been the life and soul of any party he attended, the kind of light that could make a party start around him just by being there. Now, You thought that he looked like he didn’t have any light left in him.
“How did you find me?” Gackt asked as soon as You sat down.
“By accident.”
Gackt scoffed. “You accidentally walked into a bar in Manhattan? It’s a long way from Tokyo.”
“Kyoto, now,” You corrected. He smiled apologetically when Gackt’s eyes widened. “I never really did like Tokyo and it lost its shine after you left.”
Gackt stared at his vodka. “Manhattan is even further from Kyoto.”
“I’m here on business,” You explained. He paused for a few moments to pull out the slim business card holder he had in his pocket and placed a card in front of Gackt. Gackt stared at the card as if it was a bomb waiting to explode. “But, I really did stumble into your bar on accident.”
The card announced in simple English that You Kurosaki was the lead seller for a Kyoto based pharmaceutical company. Gackt continued to stare at it.
“My company is expanding into the American market and forging a working relationship with a company here in New York,” You explained. “I’m the most senior employee with the best English so I’m the one they shipped here.”
“You actually speak English?” Gackt asked quietly. “You couldn’t even say good morning when I last saw you.”
“I had to learn,” You said. “I’ve done a lot of travelling.”
Gackt looked at him. “You hadn’t even been on a plane. You always said that the only part of the world outside Japan that interested you was the food, and that most of that could be eaten in Japan.”
You sighed. “That attitude was never going to find you, was it? So, I had to change.”
For a few moments, Gackt was stunned. You, the least ambitious man in all of Japan, always happy to follow but never to lead, had learned a new language and travelled the word for him? “All this just to find me?”
“You don’t know the half of it,” You said, taking a long sip from his vodka.
Gackt found that he couldn’t even look at his own drink. “I don’t think I want to know.”
“It doesn’t matter anyway,” You said dismissively. “Not now.”
“Mission accomplished, huh?” Gackt said dryly.
“You were never a mission, Gaku,” You said softly, “just a friend that I thought might need me.” He paused. “And I think you do need me, even though I know you won’t admit it.”
Gackt sighed. “I’m settled here, You-kun. I don’t need you or my past coming back and disrupting it all again.”
“You’re happy here?” You asked. “Really? Serving drinks and washing glasses? That’s a great job for normal people but Gaku, you’ve never been normal, have you?”
“I like normal.”
“Please tell me that you’re in a band at least, that you still write, play and sing.”
Gackt said nothing, but he didn’t need to. The slightly sad look in his eyes and the harsh set of his jaw answered You’s question. He hadn’t even sung in the shower since arriving in America, nine years ago.
“That’s…” You had no words. “You don’t even sing anymore?”
“Who would want to hear it?”
“I would!” You said a little too loudly as he attracted the attention of those on the tables next to them. You, however, didn’t care. “You used to love singing. You said it was the only time you felt complete and that it was what you were born to do.”
“You aren’t the only one who’s changed,” Gackt replied.
“So I can see,” You said sadly. “I think I’m the only one sat at this table who’s even slightly happy though.”
Gackt quickly knocked back the vodka in his hands. “What do you want, You? Do you think that if you make me realise how miserable I am that I’ll come back to Japan with you? Are you here to rescue me, is that it?”
For a few moments, You had no idea how to respond. When he had first started searching for Gackt nine long years ago, he had imagined that the story would always end with Gackt returning to Japan with him. Maybe, somewhere, a part of him did see himself as Gackt’s rescuer, as the person who could make everything better for Gackt and most of all, make Gackt smile again. That had always been his role when they’d been at college together and during Gackt’s time with Malice Mizer. You had been the always happy, always encouraging friend that Gackt could always turn to whenever things became that little bit tough.
The fact that Gackt had left Japan instead of turning to him nine years ago still pained You slightly.
“When I first started looking for you, I think that I did see myself as your rescuer,” You said.
“And now?” Gackt asked.
“I don’t know,” You admitted with a sigh. “I’ve had so long to think about what I would say to you and how I would act when I met you again. I had these wonderful speeches planned out that would make you come back to Japan with me.”
Gackt tapped a rhythm on his vodka glass. He quickly stopped when he noticed that You was intently listening to the rhythm. You had that same appreciative look on his face that he’d always had whenever he would watch Gackt play piano and it unnerved Gackt to see it here and now. “What happened to them?”
“They disappeared as soon as I saw you.”
“I’m glad,” Gackt said as he pushed the empty glass out of arm’s reach. He couldn’t tap on it if he couldn’t reach it. “I don’t want you to try and convince me to go back to Japan, because I don’t want to disappoint you again when I stay here.”
“You’ve never disappointed me,” You said softly, “not even when I arrived at your apartment that morning and found that you’d disappeared without telling me.”
Gackt ran his fingers through his hair. “If I’d have told you, you would have done everything you could to stop me.”
“True,” You said with a sad smile. “I don’t understand why you felt the need to run away though.”
“Is that what you think I did?” Gackt asked.
You looked at Gackt with a puzzled expression. “What else would you call it?”
“I was taking my life back,” Gackt answered simply.
“I don’t understand,” You said honestly. And he didn’t.
Gackt sighed and sank back into his chair. Nine years ago he’d come to America, drifting from state to state until he had found somewhere he could feel comfortable. Four years ago he’d come to New York and he’d stayed there ever since, working in that same little bar and living in the same apartment. He was settled, almost content even, and as the years and months had passed by, he’d thought of Japan and all he’d left behind less and less. It was always there in the back of his mind, but entire weeks could pass before it would come to the forefront again.
Now here was You, raking up all of the memories and feelings that he’d relegated to the corners of his mind.
He knew that he should have been angry. He hadn’t asked for You to come to Manhattan, walk into his bar and turn his life upside down. He had buried those memories and feelings because he didn’t want them to interrupt the life he had made for himself, yet here You was, asking him to relive things that Gackt had thought were better forgotten. Gackt thought that he had every right to be angry, or to have simply walked away from You and leave him behind in the bar he worked in.
But, maybe it was time Gackt thought about this all again. During the length of his friendship with You, Gackt really had never been able to deny You anything and Gackt was surprised to see that even now, after nine years of no contact, he still couldn’t say no to You.
“When I first started working at the cabaret club,” Gackt began, “the owner wanted to advertise that I played there. He was going to make flyers and posters saying that ‘Gackt from Malice Mizer’ was playing piano for him. It took me a week of arguing and accepting a pay cut for him to change his mind.”
“I remember that,” You said. “I didn’t know about the pay cut though.”
Gackt smiled sadly. “I didn’t tell you. I applied for a job in a recording studio, on the production side, a few months later and as soon as the interview started, I was asked questions about Malice Mizer and my solo career. None of it was about my skills as a song writer or a producer or anything else directly relevant to the job, just what went wrong with my career.”
“That must have been tough.”
“Ren set me up on a date with one of his work colleagues about a week before I left Japan. Halfway through the date she finally recognised me and then spent the rest of the evening talking about how her friends wouldn’t believe she went on a date with Gackt. She had zero interest in me as a person from that point, only as a former rock star.”
You sighed. “Ren didn’t explain who you were?”
“I asked him not to,” Gackt said. “I was sick and tired of people instantly labelling me as Gackt, ex-Malice Mizer or Gackt, ex-visual kei singer. I couldn’t escape from it no matter where I went.”
“That’s why you left Japan?” You asked. “That sounds like escaping to me.”
Gackt moved forward in his seat and rested his arms on the table. You could see that Gackt was picking at the skin on his fingers and had to suppress a smile. That had been a bad habit of Gackt’s when he was younger, an unconscious action he’d resort to whenever he was stressed and You had lost count of the number of times Gackt would pick his fingers and nails until they bled.
So many things had changed, but so many had stayed the same.
“I knew that if I stayed in Japan I’d always be Gackt from Malice Mizer and I didn’t think I’d ever be able to move on from that,” Gackt explained, “I didn’t chose to be kicked out of Malice Mizer and I didn’t chose to have my record contract taken from me, but they were the two things that had begun to define who I was. Here, I’m simply Ryota the bartender with a modest apartment and a taekwondo class that I teach on weekends and maybe that’s not as glamorous or important as you think my life should be, but I chose to be Ryota. I chose to be a bartender, I chose my apartment and I chose to teach taekwondo.
“I left Japan,” Gackt continued, “to get my life back and make it my own again. I wasn’t running from my past, I was running to my future.” He paused, and his next words were spoken in a softer and quieter voice. “You can’t run from your past You, it follows you wherever you go.”
“And the singing?” You asked, his voice taking on the same soft tone as Gackt’s, “why don’t you sing anymore?”
That sad and slightly bitter smile spread across Gackt’s lips again. “Okay, maybe I am still running a little.”
“I still can’t believe you don’t sing anymore,” You said. “Too painful?”
“Something like that,” Gackt said dismissively. “But what about you? You must have a wife, two kids, big house and a dog to go alongside your fancy job.”
You wasn’t ready to change the subject away from Gackt yet, but he knew better than to push. A part of him still expected Gackt to stand up and run away from him any second, and he would do anything to stop that from happening.
You had always thought that Gackt’s increasing depression and isolation in the days leading to him leaving Japan were due to him pining for a lifestyle that he no longer had. He’d never thought that maybe, Gackt had been missing having control over his life. Gackt had always been a proud man, one that tried his best in everything and usually succeeded. You couldn’t even begin to imagine how difficult it must have been for Gackt to have his failures following him everywhere.
No wonder Gackt left.
“No, sorry,” You said. “No wife, no kids, no big house or dog, just a time consuming job, a nice apartment and every stray cat in the neighbourhood seems to have adopted me.”
Gackt laughed lightly. God, You had missed that laugh. “You always did pick up the waifs and strays, didn’t you?”
You looked at Gackt with a force that nearly made Gackt look away. “Yes, I did.”
“I’m not going back to Japan.”
“I’d guessed that.”
“Now what?” Gackt asked. “Are you going to go back and tell everyone you found me and where I am? Will I have Ren banging on my door next week?”
You paused. “I doubt it.”
“Finally burned through the family money?” Gackt asked.
“I don’t know,” You answered honestly. “I haven’t spoken to him for nearly six years and I don’t even know where he is anymore.”
“What happened?” Gackt asked.
“He gave up on you.”
Gackt closed his eyes for a few seconds and when he opened them, he couldn’t raise his gaze any higher than the table. “The two of you threw away years of friendship because of me?”
“It was bound to happen anyway,” You lied, “he was still running around like a teenager and looking for his big break. I was working hard and had no time for things like that.”
“You’ve really…” Gackt paused for a few seconds, trying to think of the right word, “matured, since I last saw you.”
“Have I?” You asked honestly. “Maybe. I just tried to work hard and make something of myself. It’s given me a lot of opportunities I wouldn’t have had otherwise.”
Gackt looked up from the table. “Like walking into my bar in Manhattan?”
“Amongst other things,” You said. “Opportunities arise everywhere and all of the time.”
Gackt didn’t answer. It had been a long time since he’d found any opportunities.
“So, you’re definitely staying here?” You asked.
“I have no reason to go back, and a life here,” Gackt answered before adding, “no matter how disappointing you think it is.”
“I don’t think it’s disappointing, just…” You never finished his sentence. “I guess that makes things easier for me though.”
“What do you mean?”
You leaned forward in his seat. “An opportunity arose yesterday. I was sat in your bar tonight to think it through. Maybe it’s fate that of all the bars I could have been in, I happened to be in yours.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Things are going well with the American company and it looks like my company will have a very long working relationship with them,” You explained, “so, they want to place an employee in New York on a long term basis.”
Gackt picked up the business card that still sat before him, and read over the plain typeface that said ‘You Kurosaki’ until it was imprinted in his mind. “No prizes for guessing who they asked.”
“None at all,” You said.
“You were considering it before you met me,” Gackt said, “and now?”
“No wife, no kids, no mortgage and I think the stray cats of the neighbourhood can cope without me,” You said.
“You would seriously move to New York because of me?”
“I moved to Tokyo because of you and I hated Tokyo,” You said. “I quite like New York, from what I’ve seen of it. Besides, it’d be a new challenge.”
“Working and living in America will be a challenge for you,” Gackt agreed.
“I wasn’t talking about working or living here.”
“I’m not a challenge.”
“Really?” You said. “Then you really have changed. Being your friend was always the most challenging thing in my life.”
Gackt had many angry retorts forming on his tongue, but they all died when he saw the genuine and teasing smile on You’s lips. He laughed despite himself, and his laughter only grew when You joined in. They attracted several unhappy looks from the bar’s other patrons who were after some silence and solitude, but neither Gackt nor You noticed or cared.
It had been nine long years since they’d laughed together, and neither man had realised how much they’d missed it.
“I don’t want you to move here because of me,” Gackt said once his laughter had finally finished.
“Ah, nice to see your ego is still there,” You grinned, “I have no more ties in Japan than you did when you left, and the bonus of having a good job lined up. You would just be another bonus.”
“Your parents won’t see it like that,” Gackt said, “they’ll hate me more than they already did.”
“They don’t need to know you’re here,” You said. “Nobody does, if you don’t want me to tell anyone.”
“I don’t.”
“Then I won’t,” You promised. “Maybe I’ll tell everyone that I met a girl while I was out here and she convinced me to take up the job offer and stay.”
Gackt laughed again. “Then you’ll have to provide photos of her.”
“What do you look like dressed up as girl these days?”
“Scary,” Gackt replied. “Too much exercise and weight training.”
“I’d noticed,” You smiled. “You look good. Healthy.” You didn’t add happy to the end of his sentence.
“You too,” said Gackt. “I guess I can’t change your mind on staying here?”
This drink with You and the ease with which they were speaking to each other despite so many years, miles and happenings separating them, only served to remind Gackt that despite his protests to the contrary, it had been an incredibly long and lonely nine years since he’d left Japan. Gackt had chosen his new name, his new career and his new life, but he hadn’t chosen for it to be as lonely as it had become.
And Gackt hadn’t realised exactly how lonely he was until he’d began speaking with You. He didn’t want to be that lonely again.
You shook his head. “I think you’d have as much success at that, as I would at dragging you back to Japan.”
Gackt didn’t want to consider why, but the thought of You being back in his life again made him fill with a happiness he hadn’t felt in years. All of his anger at seeing You and at having his past raked over again had disappeared as soon as he’d seen You smile at him again. Their old friends had always teased You for being so easily led and controlled by Gackt, the perfect little wife for the egotistical rock star Gackt had once been, but really, it had always been Gackt that had needed You the most.
Without Gackt, You could survive and thrive, he’d proven that. Without You, Gackt had simply been treading water. It had been You’s encouragement and support that had carried Gackt as far as he had travelled in the music business, and Gackt was only just beginning to realise how much the other man had made his life that little bit brighter and easier.
“I promise that I will never tell anyone you’re here unless you want them to know,” You repeated, “but I want one thing from you in return.”
“What?” Gackt asked. He put the business card back down onto the table and rested his hand upon it, his fingers unconsciously playing with the corners of the card.
“I want you to sing for me.” You could sense the argument coming from Gackt and quickly cut him off. “It doesn’t have to be today or tomorrow, just that someday, eventually, you will sing for me again like you used to.”
“I haven’t sung for…”
You leaned forward and gently brushed his fingertips across the back of Gackt’s hand. When Gackt didn’t flinch or move, You slowly covered Gackt’s hand with his own. “Maybe you haven’t, but you will again. I know you will.”
Gackt sat back into his chair again, the movement meaning that his hand was pulled out from underneath You’s, but he was smiling softly. This time, for the first time that night, the smile was reaching his eyes. “Somehow, I believe you.”
“So you should,” You responded, “I’m usually right on these things.”
“Sure,” Gackt replied sarcastically. “Do you want another drink? It’ll give me more time to talk you out of staying here.”
“Not happening,” You responded. “I think it’s my turn to buy, and I propose a toast.”
“A toast? To what?” Gackt asked.
Maybe welcoming You back so easily was a mistake and one Gackt would come to regret, but as he sat in the bar opposite You at the same table he usually sat at alone, he couldn’t see past how happy he was to hear You’s voice, see his face and simply see… You.
You had never expected when he’d left his hotel room that night, eager to find a nice quiet bar where he could consider the job offer he’d been presented with, that he’d make a decision on it so quickly. He’d never dreamed that he’d accidentally meet Gackt again, after so many years of looking. Maybe it was fate that had brought him to Gackt’s bar or maybe it was just the flukiest of coincidences. Either way, You knew that now he had Gackt back in his life again, he wasn’t going to let the other man disappear again.
You smiled. “To old friendships, and new beginnings.”
~owari
Notes
1) Sorry for the length!
2) Let's not think about the things Gackt had to do to get his American visa under a false name (I'm sure it was highly illegal)
Author - unwritten_ideas
Rating - PG
Word Count - 6,201
Characters - Gackt, You
Disclaimer - don’t own squat and if I did, I’d be posting this with pictures
Summary - it's been nine years since You last saw Gackt, but he hasn't stopped searching
Notes - set in a world where Gackt was most definitely fired from Malice Mizer, and You never joined Job
In those years that immediately followed, You realised he should probably have seen it coming.
Due to a lot of hard work, a lot of sleepless nights and so much compromise, Gackt had made it. He had been the singer of a successful band, Gackt was appearing on television, selling out arenas… Malice Mizer even had its own well-subscribed fan club. A fan club. Back in Kyoto, when a successful night had been a crowd of fifty people and enough yen to cover the gas, a fan club was an unobtainable dream.
Oh yes… every member of CAINS:FEEL had dreamed of becoming famous, of selling their music to the masses and having their own fan club. Only Gackt had made it.
Was it any wonder that later, Gackt’s life had fallen apart?
It had been twelve years since Gackt had been fired by Malice Mizer.
It had been eleven years since he’d finally found a solo record deal as none of the labels had initially wanted to take on a visual kei singer that didn’t have a band and was unproven on his own.
It had been ten years since Gackt had lost that record deal.
It had been nine years since You, Ren or anyone else in their social circle had last heard from Gackt.
The man had seemingly disappeared.
They had all searched for him. You would never forget that morning when he had visited Gackt’s tiny apartment on the outskirts of Tokyo and found that the spare key Gackt had given him no longer fit the lock. Gackt had been very subdued in the days leading up to that morning so You had taken a sick day from his job at the local bookstore in the hope of cheering his friend up. The take out coffee from the café down the block that You had bought for them both slowly cooled as You called the landlord and found out that Gackt had gone. Paid off next month’s rent with the proceeds from selling his beloved car and simply gone.
You had called Ren and the two of them had caught the first shinkansen out of Tokyo.
Nobody in Kyoto had seen Gackt. Ren had needed to physically remove You from at least three establishments after old friends had gloated over Gackt’s fall from fame. They spent three days, You and Ren, searching all of their old haunts in the hope of finding a sign of Gackt but it appeared that he hadn’t set foot in Kyoto for quite some time.
You caught the first plane to Okinawa. He remembered visiting the island once, during his and Gackt’s college days, and Gackt had quietly pointed out all of the places he’d played as a child, the US Army base where the soldiers had humoured the inquisitive child that he had been and taught him random bits of English, the beaches where he’d spent his weekends, simply playing and relaxing under the sun that he both loved and hated equally. You retraced all of those steps but again, there was no sign of Gackt.
He’d been back on the mainland for about an hour when he received a phone call from Gackt’s elder sister.
Yes, she had spoken to Gackt.
Yes, he was fine.
No, he didn’t want to talk to You.
No, he wasn’t in Japan anymore.
No, his sister didn’t know where he was either.
No, he wasn’t coming back.
Never achieving your dream was sad. Having it ripped from you when it’s all that you lived for was, however, downright cruel.
Without Gackt there to make the hustle and bustle of Tokyo that little bit more tolerable, You packed his bags and headed back to Kyoto and his family. He didn’t give up the search though. With the help of the ever growing internet and the endless supply of fansites, You continued to try and track Gackt down.
Gackt’s disappearance had become known only a couple of weeks after it had happened, the media always did love a fall from grace after all, and numerous theories had popped up on websites about what had happened. You ignored the sightings in Japan (he knew, deep down, that Gackt had been telling the truth when he’d said he wouldn’t come back), noted down the sightings abroad and closed his eyes to the rumours of Gackt’s death.
For the first few years it had been both him and Ren that had made those long trips abroad. You had, after his return to Kyoto, given up his own dreams of being a rockstar and had instead reapplied himself to his studies, landing himself a very well paying job in the process. Ren had still had dreams and had quickly worked his way through the family money and between them, they had travelled the world after their missing friend.
It had been six years ago when Ren had finally given up and come to the conclusion that if Gackt didn’t want to be found, then no amount of searching would ever find him.
It had been five years, three hundred and sixty three days since You had last spoken to Ren.
You couldn’t give up the search because he did, to a degree, feel guilty. Gackt’s ever worsening mental state after he had been dumped by his record company and forced to take a job as a pianist for a low rent cabaret club in the backstreets of Tokyo just so that he could afford to eat had been obvious. You would find him sometimes, staring into space as the TV blared the performances of the latest big thing to hit the music scene. Or sometimes, when he dropped by Gackt’s place on his way home from work, he’d find a 1998 issue of Fool’s Mate or Arena magazine hidden beneath the colourful pages of the local newspaper. Gackt would ignore their existence and You wouldn’t dare to question him.
Now, nine years since he’d last seen Gackt or heard the man’s voice, You knew that he really should have seen it coming.
You looked into the bottom of the drink in his hand, vodka and coke with a slice of lemon and no ice, just like Gackt liked it, and wondered where all of these thoughts were coming from. He was abroad again, by his count this was his eleventh trip to America since Gackt had left, but this time, he wasn’t chasing up internet rumours. This time, it was business. The company he worked for had just landed a very lucrative American deal and as the employee with the most experience of America and the best English (You raised his glass in a silent toast to Gackt - his disappearing act was the reason for both), You had been sent to New York to further charm his company’s new partners.
The last few days had been a whirlwind of meetings, sightseeing and cosy family dinners provided by those new partners that seemed more eager to impress than You was. Tonight, he’d gone out alone, his mind heavy with things to consider, and after jumping in a cab and simply asking for a “good, but quiet bar. Not too expensive but not too cheap” the driver had taken him halfway across the city to what had to be the quietest bar in all of Manhattan.
But, it was clean, quiet and it served good quality vodka. That was all You needed.
You had lost track of how long he’d been in that bar but he knew it wasn’t a good sign when the staff that had started their shifts when he’d first arrived were now finishing them and being replaced by the poor souls doing the twilight shift. He hadn’t drunk much though. He was only on his third? Fourth? Although the vodka was good, there wasn’t much of it so he was barely feeling the effects. His third (or fourth) glass was soon empty and he made his way to the bar, ready for the next.
The barman was busy, cleaning glasses and putting them away and there were a couple of patrons sat at the bar. The old man in the corner eyed You with wariness and suspicion but You suspected that any out of towner would be met with the same greeting. The other person was a woman - bleached blonde hair, heavy make up, short skirt… She smiled at You as she took a long drink from the straw in the lurid cocktail in her hands. You didn’t smile back.
The barman was still cleaning glasses. “Er, excuse me?” You said quietly, in slightly accented English and in the least demanding tone of voice he could manage.
The barman turned around and You’s world ground to a halt.
The hair was different, back to its natural black and shorter than You had ever seen it although still long enough to frame that face. There was softness to his features that had come with age although You was pleased to see that jaw line was as harsh as ever. You could see from the way the plain black shirt that was the bar’s uniform clung to the barman’s shoulders and chest that the body it covered had muscle and thickness than You had never expected to see.
And those eyes… those eyes that no matter how fake their colour was could always see right through You, they were exactly the same. Just sadder. Defeated almost.
“Gackt?” You asked, hesitantly.
The barman dropped the glass in his hand.
You placed his empty glass on the counter before he dropped his too.
“I can’t… it…” You stammered. “It is you.”
The look on Gackt’s face reminded You of a trapped but dangerous animal that was quickly weighing up its options and deciding whether to flee… or stand and fight. Gackt gripped one of the shelves that lined the wall behind him and You could see a slight shake in Gackt’s arms as he gripped the wood even tighter.
You didn’t know whether he should speak again or wait for Gackt to come back to his senses. He’d been searching for Gackt for nine long, painful and expensive years and now he’d found him. By accident. You wasn’t prepared for this. All of those questions and well rehearsed phrases that he’d thought of over those nine years had all been forgotten until You could only think of one thing to say.
It was the one thing he promised himself that he’d never say to Gackt.
“Come home,” You said quietly.
Gackt shook his head, his grip on the wood behind him tightening. “I can’t.”
“Come home,” You repeated, this time speaking the words in their native Japanese.
Gackt screwed his eyes closed. It had been a long time since anyone had spoken to him in Japanese. “I can’t,” he repeated, also in Japanese.
“Why not?” You had also promised himself that when he finally found Gackt, he wouldn’t push him.
Another promise broken.
“Japan isn’t my home anymore,” Gackt said quietly.
Home. You paused. Throughout all of those years of chasing Gackt, You had always assumed that Gackt was running… running… running. Simply running away from a past he hadn’t wanted to face. He’d never thought for even a second that maybe, Gackt wasn’t running and was instead creating a new life and a home somewhere else.
“Is New York your home now?” You asked, equally quiet.
Gackt didn’t answer, he merely turned his head and stared out of the sparkling glass window that looked out onto the street outside.
Maybe Gackt was still running.
“I’ve been looking for you,” You stated. “For ten years, I’ve been looking for you.”
“I wish you hadn’t found me.”
“I wish I’d found you sooner,” You answered sincerely.
“I wish you hadn’t tried.”
“I wish you hadn’t left.”
Gackt sighed. “We never get what we wish for.”
“No,” You agreed. “Somebody told me once that wishes are pointless and only actions count.”
“Oh yeah?” Gackt said. He remembered speaking those words to You as if it was yesterday. “Somebody once told me that good things happen to good people. Nothing good has happened to me in over ten years so I guess that explains what kind of person I am.”
You flinched. Those had been his words once and he could still remember speaking them to Gackt after a particularly bad relationship break down had left Gackt uncharacteristically depressed. Back then, Gackt had taken the words as the little golden shimmer of hope that You had intended them to be. Now, Gackt was using them to make the rain clouds in his mind even darker.
“Have you tried to make good things happen, or have you just hidden yourself from the world?” You asked. “If you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything, remember?”
Gackt laughed, but it wasn’t a laugh of joy or mirth, but of sarcastic dismissal. “I was a fool, just a naïve dreamer who didn’t know what the real world was.”
“And what is the real world?” You asked. “A cocktail bar in Manhattan? Living half the world away from everyone who loves you? Running from your life because it doesn’t fit the plan anymore?”
Gackt’s response died in his throat when one of his colleagues, a man in his mid-forties in a shirt and tie, came walking over to him. “Friend of yours, Ryota?” the man asked Gackt as he gestured in You’s direction.
“Yes I am,” You said quickly, not giving Gackt a chance to deny it. “I’m You. Me and… Ryota,” You said with a pause, “have been friends for a long time.”
“Well, You,” the man said, “Ryota is all yours, because I’m giving him the night off.”
Gackt’s eyes widened as he turned to face his colleague. “Boss, you don’t need to do that.”
“You haven’t taken a day off in the four years you’ve worked here and there hasn’t been a single friend or family member who has called in to see you. Now that someone has, you’re taking the night off. No arguments.”
*~*~*~
There was another bar a couple of blocks away, and that’s where You found himself being led to. Gackt didn’t speak or even acknowledge his existence during the brief walk there and his anger was practically radiating from his skin.
But, he hadn’t told You to leave either, and You had to take that as a positive sign.
The bar wasn’t as nice as the one Gackt worked in. It had a lonely and cold atmosphere and struck You as the kind of bar people went to when they wanted silence and to be left alone. Gackt swiftly ordered two vodkas and sat down at a table in the corner of bar, again not waiting to see if You would follow him. As You made his way over to Gackt, talking his time in order to compose his thoughts but not taking too long because he still feared that Gackt would run away again, he realised that Gackt looked perfectly at home in such a depressing and distant place.
Gackt had once been the life and soul of any party he attended, the kind of light that could make a party start around him just by being there. Now, You thought that he looked like he didn’t have any light left in him.
“How did you find me?” Gackt asked as soon as You sat down.
“By accident.”
Gackt scoffed. “You accidentally walked into a bar in Manhattan? It’s a long way from Tokyo.”
“Kyoto, now,” You corrected. He smiled apologetically when Gackt’s eyes widened. “I never really did like Tokyo and it lost its shine after you left.”
Gackt stared at his vodka. “Manhattan is even further from Kyoto.”
“I’m here on business,” You explained. He paused for a few moments to pull out the slim business card holder he had in his pocket and placed a card in front of Gackt. Gackt stared at the card as if it was a bomb waiting to explode. “But, I really did stumble into your bar on accident.”
The card announced in simple English that You Kurosaki was the lead seller for a Kyoto based pharmaceutical company. Gackt continued to stare at it.
“My company is expanding into the American market and forging a working relationship with a company here in New York,” You explained. “I’m the most senior employee with the best English so I’m the one they shipped here.”
“You actually speak English?” Gackt asked quietly. “You couldn’t even say good morning when I last saw you.”
“I had to learn,” You said. “I’ve done a lot of travelling.”
Gackt looked at him. “You hadn’t even been on a plane. You always said that the only part of the world outside Japan that interested you was the food, and that most of that could be eaten in Japan.”
You sighed. “That attitude was never going to find you, was it? So, I had to change.”
For a few moments, Gackt was stunned. You, the least ambitious man in all of Japan, always happy to follow but never to lead, had learned a new language and travelled the word for him? “All this just to find me?”
“You don’t know the half of it,” You said, taking a long sip from his vodka.
Gackt found that he couldn’t even look at his own drink. “I don’t think I want to know.”
“It doesn’t matter anyway,” You said dismissively. “Not now.”
“Mission accomplished, huh?” Gackt said dryly.
“You were never a mission, Gaku,” You said softly, “just a friend that I thought might need me.” He paused. “And I think you do need me, even though I know you won’t admit it.”
Gackt sighed. “I’m settled here, You-kun. I don’t need you or my past coming back and disrupting it all again.”
“You’re happy here?” You asked. “Really? Serving drinks and washing glasses? That’s a great job for normal people but Gaku, you’ve never been normal, have you?”
“I like normal.”
“Please tell me that you’re in a band at least, that you still write, play and sing.”
Gackt said nothing, but he didn’t need to. The slightly sad look in his eyes and the harsh set of his jaw answered You’s question. He hadn’t even sung in the shower since arriving in America, nine years ago.
“That’s…” You had no words. “You don’t even sing anymore?”
“Who would want to hear it?”
“I would!” You said a little too loudly as he attracted the attention of those on the tables next to them. You, however, didn’t care. “You used to love singing. You said it was the only time you felt complete and that it was what you were born to do.”
“You aren’t the only one who’s changed,” Gackt replied.
“So I can see,” You said sadly. “I think I’m the only one sat at this table who’s even slightly happy though.”
Gackt quickly knocked back the vodka in his hands. “What do you want, You? Do you think that if you make me realise how miserable I am that I’ll come back to Japan with you? Are you here to rescue me, is that it?”
For a few moments, You had no idea how to respond. When he had first started searching for Gackt nine long years ago, he had imagined that the story would always end with Gackt returning to Japan with him. Maybe, somewhere, a part of him did see himself as Gackt’s rescuer, as the person who could make everything better for Gackt and most of all, make Gackt smile again. That had always been his role when they’d been at college together and during Gackt’s time with Malice Mizer. You had been the always happy, always encouraging friend that Gackt could always turn to whenever things became that little bit tough.
The fact that Gackt had left Japan instead of turning to him nine years ago still pained You slightly.
“When I first started looking for you, I think that I did see myself as your rescuer,” You said.
“And now?” Gackt asked.
“I don’t know,” You admitted with a sigh. “I’ve had so long to think about what I would say to you and how I would act when I met you again. I had these wonderful speeches planned out that would make you come back to Japan with me.”
Gackt tapped a rhythm on his vodka glass. He quickly stopped when he noticed that You was intently listening to the rhythm. You had that same appreciative look on his face that he’d always had whenever he would watch Gackt play piano and it unnerved Gackt to see it here and now. “What happened to them?”
“They disappeared as soon as I saw you.”
“I’m glad,” Gackt said as he pushed the empty glass out of arm’s reach. He couldn’t tap on it if he couldn’t reach it. “I don’t want you to try and convince me to go back to Japan, because I don’t want to disappoint you again when I stay here.”
“You’ve never disappointed me,” You said softly, “not even when I arrived at your apartment that morning and found that you’d disappeared without telling me.”
Gackt ran his fingers through his hair. “If I’d have told you, you would have done everything you could to stop me.”
“True,” You said with a sad smile. “I don’t understand why you felt the need to run away though.”
“Is that what you think I did?” Gackt asked.
You looked at Gackt with a puzzled expression. “What else would you call it?”
“I was taking my life back,” Gackt answered simply.
“I don’t understand,” You said honestly. And he didn’t.
Gackt sighed and sank back into his chair. Nine years ago he’d come to America, drifting from state to state until he had found somewhere he could feel comfortable. Four years ago he’d come to New York and he’d stayed there ever since, working in that same little bar and living in the same apartment. He was settled, almost content even, and as the years and months had passed by, he’d thought of Japan and all he’d left behind less and less. It was always there in the back of his mind, but entire weeks could pass before it would come to the forefront again.
Now here was You, raking up all of the memories and feelings that he’d relegated to the corners of his mind.
He knew that he should have been angry. He hadn’t asked for You to come to Manhattan, walk into his bar and turn his life upside down. He had buried those memories and feelings because he didn’t want them to interrupt the life he had made for himself, yet here You was, asking him to relive things that Gackt had thought were better forgotten. Gackt thought that he had every right to be angry, or to have simply walked away from You and leave him behind in the bar he worked in.
But, maybe it was time Gackt thought about this all again. During the length of his friendship with You, Gackt really had never been able to deny You anything and Gackt was surprised to see that even now, after nine years of no contact, he still couldn’t say no to You.
“When I first started working at the cabaret club,” Gackt began, “the owner wanted to advertise that I played there. He was going to make flyers and posters saying that ‘Gackt from Malice Mizer’ was playing piano for him. It took me a week of arguing and accepting a pay cut for him to change his mind.”
“I remember that,” You said. “I didn’t know about the pay cut though.”
Gackt smiled sadly. “I didn’t tell you. I applied for a job in a recording studio, on the production side, a few months later and as soon as the interview started, I was asked questions about Malice Mizer and my solo career. None of it was about my skills as a song writer or a producer or anything else directly relevant to the job, just what went wrong with my career.”
“That must have been tough.”
“Ren set me up on a date with one of his work colleagues about a week before I left Japan. Halfway through the date she finally recognised me and then spent the rest of the evening talking about how her friends wouldn’t believe she went on a date with Gackt. She had zero interest in me as a person from that point, only as a former rock star.”
You sighed. “Ren didn’t explain who you were?”
“I asked him not to,” Gackt said. “I was sick and tired of people instantly labelling me as Gackt, ex-Malice Mizer or Gackt, ex-visual kei singer. I couldn’t escape from it no matter where I went.”
“That’s why you left Japan?” You asked. “That sounds like escaping to me.”
Gackt moved forward in his seat and rested his arms on the table. You could see that Gackt was picking at the skin on his fingers and had to suppress a smile. That had been a bad habit of Gackt’s when he was younger, an unconscious action he’d resort to whenever he was stressed and You had lost count of the number of times Gackt would pick his fingers and nails until they bled.
So many things had changed, but so many had stayed the same.
“I knew that if I stayed in Japan I’d always be Gackt from Malice Mizer and I didn’t think I’d ever be able to move on from that,” Gackt explained, “I didn’t chose to be kicked out of Malice Mizer and I didn’t chose to have my record contract taken from me, but they were the two things that had begun to define who I was. Here, I’m simply Ryota the bartender with a modest apartment and a taekwondo class that I teach on weekends and maybe that’s not as glamorous or important as you think my life should be, but I chose to be Ryota. I chose to be a bartender, I chose my apartment and I chose to teach taekwondo.
“I left Japan,” Gackt continued, “to get my life back and make it my own again. I wasn’t running from my past, I was running to my future.” He paused, and his next words were spoken in a softer and quieter voice. “You can’t run from your past You, it follows you wherever you go.”
“And the singing?” You asked, his voice taking on the same soft tone as Gackt’s, “why don’t you sing anymore?”
That sad and slightly bitter smile spread across Gackt’s lips again. “Okay, maybe I am still running a little.”
“I still can’t believe you don’t sing anymore,” You said. “Too painful?”
“Something like that,” Gackt said dismissively. “But what about you? You must have a wife, two kids, big house and a dog to go alongside your fancy job.”
You wasn’t ready to change the subject away from Gackt yet, but he knew better than to push. A part of him still expected Gackt to stand up and run away from him any second, and he would do anything to stop that from happening.
You had always thought that Gackt’s increasing depression and isolation in the days leading to him leaving Japan were due to him pining for a lifestyle that he no longer had. He’d never thought that maybe, Gackt had been missing having control over his life. Gackt had always been a proud man, one that tried his best in everything and usually succeeded. You couldn’t even begin to imagine how difficult it must have been for Gackt to have his failures following him everywhere.
No wonder Gackt left.
“No, sorry,” You said. “No wife, no kids, no big house or dog, just a time consuming job, a nice apartment and every stray cat in the neighbourhood seems to have adopted me.”
Gackt laughed lightly. God, You had missed that laugh. “You always did pick up the waifs and strays, didn’t you?”
You looked at Gackt with a force that nearly made Gackt look away. “Yes, I did.”
“I’m not going back to Japan.”
“I’d guessed that.”
“Now what?” Gackt asked. “Are you going to go back and tell everyone you found me and where I am? Will I have Ren banging on my door next week?”
You paused. “I doubt it.”
“Finally burned through the family money?” Gackt asked.
“I don’t know,” You answered honestly. “I haven’t spoken to him for nearly six years and I don’t even know where he is anymore.”
“What happened?” Gackt asked.
“He gave up on you.”
Gackt closed his eyes for a few seconds and when he opened them, he couldn’t raise his gaze any higher than the table. “The two of you threw away years of friendship because of me?”
“It was bound to happen anyway,” You lied, “he was still running around like a teenager and looking for his big break. I was working hard and had no time for things like that.”
“You’ve really…” Gackt paused for a few seconds, trying to think of the right word, “matured, since I last saw you.”
“Have I?” You asked honestly. “Maybe. I just tried to work hard and make something of myself. It’s given me a lot of opportunities I wouldn’t have had otherwise.”
Gackt looked up from the table. “Like walking into my bar in Manhattan?”
“Amongst other things,” You said. “Opportunities arise everywhere and all of the time.”
Gackt didn’t answer. It had been a long time since he’d found any opportunities.
“So, you’re definitely staying here?” You asked.
“I have no reason to go back, and a life here,” Gackt answered before adding, “no matter how disappointing you think it is.”
“I don’t think it’s disappointing, just…” You never finished his sentence. “I guess that makes things easier for me though.”
“What do you mean?”
You leaned forward in his seat. “An opportunity arose yesterday. I was sat in your bar tonight to think it through. Maybe it’s fate that of all the bars I could have been in, I happened to be in yours.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Things are going well with the American company and it looks like my company will have a very long working relationship with them,” You explained, “so, they want to place an employee in New York on a long term basis.”
Gackt picked up the business card that still sat before him, and read over the plain typeface that said ‘You Kurosaki’ until it was imprinted in his mind. “No prizes for guessing who they asked.”
“None at all,” You said.
“You were considering it before you met me,” Gackt said, “and now?”
“No wife, no kids, no mortgage and I think the stray cats of the neighbourhood can cope without me,” You said.
“You would seriously move to New York because of me?”
“I moved to Tokyo because of you and I hated Tokyo,” You said. “I quite like New York, from what I’ve seen of it. Besides, it’d be a new challenge.”
“Working and living in America will be a challenge for you,” Gackt agreed.
“I wasn’t talking about working or living here.”
“I’m not a challenge.”
“Really?” You said. “Then you really have changed. Being your friend was always the most challenging thing in my life.”
Gackt had many angry retorts forming on his tongue, but they all died when he saw the genuine and teasing smile on You’s lips. He laughed despite himself, and his laughter only grew when You joined in. They attracted several unhappy looks from the bar’s other patrons who were after some silence and solitude, but neither Gackt nor You noticed or cared.
It had been nine long years since they’d laughed together, and neither man had realised how much they’d missed it.
“I don’t want you to move here because of me,” Gackt said once his laughter had finally finished.
“Ah, nice to see your ego is still there,” You grinned, “I have no more ties in Japan than you did when you left, and the bonus of having a good job lined up. You would just be another bonus.”
“Your parents won’t see it like that,” Gackt said, “they’ll hate me more than they already did.”
“They don’t need to know you’re here,” You said. “Nobody does, if you don’t want me to tell anyone.”
“I don’t.”
“Then I won’t,” You promised. “Maybe I’ll tell everyone that I met a girl while I was out here and she convinced me to take up the job offer and stay.”
Gackt laughed again. “Then you’ll have to provide photos of her.”
“What do you look like dressed up as girl these days?”
“Scary,” Gackt replied. “Too much exercise and weight training.”
“I’d noticed,” You smiled. “You look good. Healthy.” You didn’t add happy to the end of his sentence.
“You too,” said Gackt. “I guess I can’t change your mind on staying here?”
This drink with You and the ease with which they were speaking to each other despite so many years, miles and happenings separating them, only served to remind Gackt that despite his protests to the contrary, it had been an incredibly long and lonely nine years since he’d left Japan. Gackt had chosen his new name, his new career and his new life, but he hadn’t chosen for it to be as lonely as it had become.
And Gackt hadn’t realised exactly how lonely he was until he’d began speaking with You. He didn’t want to be that lonely again.
You shook his head. “I think you’d have as much success at that, as I would at dragging you back to Japan.”
Gackt didn’t want to consider why, but the thought of You being back in his life again made him fill with a happiness he hadn’t felt in years. All of his anger at seeing You and at having his past raked over again had disappeared as soon as he’d seen You smile at him again. Their old friends had always teased You for being so easily led and controlled by Gackt, the perfect little wife for the egotistical rock star Gackt had once been, but really, it had always been Gackt that had needed You the most.
Without Gackt, You could survive and thrive, he’d proven that. Without You, Gackt had simply been treading water. It had been You’s encouragement and support that had carried Gackt as far as he had travelled in the music business, and Gackt was only just beginning to realise how much the other man had made his life that little bit brighter and easier.
“I promise that I will never tell anyone you’re here unless you want them to know,” You repeated, “but I want one thing from you in return.”
“What?” Gackt asked. He put the business card back down onto the table and rested his hand upon it, his fingers unconsciously playing with the corners of the card.
“I want you to sing for me.” You could sense the argument coming from Gackt and quickly cut him off. “It doesn’t have to be today or tomorrow, just that someday, eventually, you will sing for me again like you used to.”
“I haven’t sung for…”
You leaned forward and gently brushed his fingertips across the back of Gackt’s hand. When Gackt didn’t flinch or move, You slowly covered Gackt’s hand with his own. “Maybe you haven’t, but you will again. I know you will.”
Gackt sat back into his chair again, the movement meaning that his hand was pulled out from underneath You’s, but he was smiling softly. This time, for the first time that night, the smile was reaching his eyes. “Somehow, I believe you.”
“So you should,” You responded, “I’m usually right on these things.”
“Sure,” Gackt replied sarcastically. “Do you want another drink? It’ll give me more time to talk you out of staying here.”
“Not happening,” You responded. “I think it’s my turn to buy, and I propose a toast.”
“A toast? To what?” Gackt asked.
Maybe welcoming You back so easily was a mistake and one Gackt would come to regret, but as he sat in the bar opposite You at the same table he usually sat at alone, he couldn’t see past how happy he was to hear You’s voice, see his face and simply see… You.
You had never expected when he’d left his hotel room that night, eager to find a nice quiet bar where he could consider the job offer he’d been presented with, that he’d make a decision on it so quickly. He’d never dreamed that he’d accidentally meet Gackt again, after so many years of looking. Maybe it was fate that had brought him to Gackt’s bar or maybe it was just the flukiest of coincidences. Either way, You knew that now he had Gackt back in his life again, he wasn’t going to let the other man disappear again.
You smiled. “To old friendships, and new beginnings.”
~owari
Notes
1) Sorry for the length!
2) Let's not think about the things Gackt had to do to get his American visa under a false name (I'm sure it was highly illegal)