Beginnings - VANILLA (8/15)
Title - Beginnings - VANILLA (8/15)
Author - unwritten_ideas
Beta - write_my_dreams
Rating - eventual NC-17, this part R
Word Count - 4,573 (69,000ish total)
Pairing - eventual Gackt x You
Characters - Gackt, You, Chacha, Junji, Chirolyn
Disclaimer - don’t own squat and if I did, I’d be posting this with pictures
Summary - Gackt and You are more than friends, closer than brothers and have a relationship that is hard to define. During the YFC tour, that relationship changes forever. Will it make them or break them?
Gackt goes for a late night stroll in Barcelona.
Barcelona, July 20th
The sheets felt too scratchy, and he didn’t like the smell of the detergent the hotel had used to clean them. The elevators were too noisy and the left one made this quiet squeaking sound whenever it came to rest on his floor. The wallpaper on the walls wasn’t bright enough, but the paint on the ceiling was too bright.
Gackt rolled over, those too scratchy sheets moving with him and lay on his back, staring at that too bright ceiling. It was 2:30AM. By his reckoning he’d been in bed for about an hour and sleep had, as expected, evaded him, but he now had a pretty good idea of all the things that were wrong with his hotel suite.
He was tired, so unbelievably tired, but his mind refused to switch off long enough for him to fall asleep. He had pushed his body all day and had fought against sleep so hard that now that he had the time in his schedule so that he could sleep, his body simply wouldn’t allow him to do so. Sometimes, he feared that he’d pushed against the pull of sleep so much that his body no longer remembered how to sleep, only how to fight it.
But, he knew, that theory wasn’t entirely true.
He couldn’t sleep because whenever he closed his eyes, those icy claws sank into his chest and refused to let him go. The nightmares were back and showing him visions of himself, alone, abandoned and unloved in some wide white room somewhere. Sometimes he’d have company in the guise of those boys and girls that had shared that hospital with him when he was a young boy, but hadn’t been lucky enough to leave and they would mock him, laughing at his isolation and how nobody had come to save him.
He called them nightmares, but sometimes he wondered if they were memories. Were the children fictional demons that haunted his dreams, or ghosts that had spent the first days of their deaths hovering around his hospital bed?
Usually the nightmares would be driven away by the warm and secure presence of You lying next to him. Those demons never came to taunt his loneliness when You was by his side, but thanks to his own stupidity, You was no longer there.
He took one long, lingering look at the left hand side, You’s side, of the bed and then got up, willing to admit defeat one more night.
He walked into the living area of the suite, the warmth of a July Spanish night ensuring that his naked skin felt no chill, and sat upon the sofa. His laptop was on the table before him, but he ignored that in favour of the pile of notebooks that sat alongside it. They were his ideas notebooks - even though his Mac had become an important everyday tool in his business and private lives, he still preferred to write down lyrics and concepts in notebooks. There was something about the act of actually writing, of his pen sweeping across the page to write the individual strokes of each kanji that fuelled his creativity in a way that typing away at keys never could.
The notebook on top of the pile contained the ideas he was currently working on, the logistics of asking fans to wear bikinis or three layers for the recently booked Tokyo shows next month and potential plans for another Camui Gakuen tour. He put this notebook to one side and instead starting flicking through the book underneath. It contained notes and hastily drawn sketches that Gackt immediately recognised as being for the Requiem et Reminiscence II tour last year.
As he continued flicking through the pages, a photo fell to the floor.
It was a Polaroid snap of him and You.
He could remember the day it was taken. Kazuya had, for some reason he still didn’t understand, bought a Polaroid camera and had insisted on taking photos of everyone and asking them to sign them. Gackt had, of course, managed to get his face into most of the photos taken and he distinctly remembered having photos taken with all of the band and dancers individually. The only photo he had, however, was the photo he held in his hands.
It had been taken after a training session and they were both sweaty and exhausted. They both wore tour T shirts and tired smiles as they had posed, You leaning back against Gackt so much that Gackt appeared to be the taller of the two. Gackt had his arm loosely draped around You’s neck and both of them were giving peace signs to the camera.
It was a cute photo, made even cuter by the simple message You had written underneath - “soul mates”.
Gackt reverently placed the photo back into the notebook as if it was a priceless historical document and in a way, to Gackt, it was. It was a reminder of years gone by and exactly what he’d lost due to his idiotic need to confess something that should have remained a secret.
He missed You. So much.
He sank back into the sofa and lay down, stretched out on his back again with the too bright ceiling staring down and taunting him. His mind drifted back to earlier that day, to the third show of the European tour and the huge success it had been.
He had always loved concerts and that unique adrenaline rush that only came from doing something he loved in front of a crowd of people who loved him for it. The smiles on the faces of the fans he could see and the screams and chants of the fans he couldn’t were fuel for his soul and the only reason why he kept subjecting himself to the harsh craziness of the music business and the never ending cycle of promotion and release.
But now, the lives were starting to become the only reason why he got up in the morning. The European fans were amazing in their dedication, love and devotion for him, and he felt honoured to be performing in front of them at last, but they were not his driving force anymore.
No, the reason why he was beginning to live for his lives was because for those two short hours he was on stage, he could pretend that everything was normal.
From the opening note of Zan to the closing note of Uncontrol, things were as they should be; just one band working together to make the best show they could. Gackt had long had a rule that personal problems, no matter how important or upsetting they were, should be left at the side of the stage and after years of practising this it meant that he and You could step out on stage as if the last couple of weeks had never happened.
You would smile at him and Gackt could smile back. They’d stand next to each other, united and strong just as they always had. For those two hours at least, Gackt had his You back.
It was still so easy on stage. At the end of Justified Gackt would walk over to You and lean on him while You would continue playing, smiling wide as if he had the most important person in the world using him as a leaning post. For the last chorus lines of Uncontrol they’d stand at the front of the stage alongside Chacha and Chirolyn, bouncing from side to side in time with the music, both equally shirtless and sweaty…
Gackt groaned. He really shouldn’t be thinking of a shirtless and sweaty You, not when he was stretched out naked on the leather sofa in his hotel room. The soft leather felt so good underneath him and he had always had a fondness for the feel of leather against his skin.
He knew that resorting to this for the second time in two days would make him hate himself when it was over, but while he lay there with thoughts of a naked You in his mind and the feel of leather against his skin, he couldn’t stop his hands from moving across his flesh.
He moved his right hand over his face and neck, down past his chest and stomach and quickly skipped over his hips before it came to rest on his upper thigh. Is that how You would touch him? Would he map out Gackt’s body, paying attention to every curve and muscle or would he move straight to the finish line, unable to wait and delay the pleasure?
Gackt took his hardening cock in hand and gave it a few light strokes, aiming to tease himself more than deliver pleasure. He was, by nature, a tease so it seemed only right that he would tease himself and he could feel his cock hardening in his hand with every light stroke. He licked his left thumb and forefinger and pinched his nipples, eyes closed as he imagined it was a wet mouth that was teasing those nubs with a pressure that bordered on pain.
Was You a biter? Gackt hoped he was. Despite his obsession with being perfect and flawless at all times, Gackt loved a little rough play and he was reminded of this when every tight pinch to his always sensitive nipples sent bolts of pleasure south to his hardening cock.
One of his long legs fell from the sofa onto the floor as the hand that had held his cock moved further back. He gave his balls a few teasing touches, lightly danced his fingertips over that patch of skin behind that always made him scream when teased correctly, and then found what he was looking for. He quickly sucked the fingers of his other hand before pushing one inside his entrance.
If it had been a long time since he’d last had sex, it had been even longer since he’d last done this... or had anyone do it to him. His body was screaming for more, but he took his time, pushing his finger further inside at a maddeningly slow pace so that he could feel every movement.
He hoped You would take things slow. Gackt liked to savour those last few moments before finally becoming one with his partner and he knew that with You, he’d want to commit every last second into his memory and revel in the anticipation of what was to come.
A second finger slipped inside as he took hold of his cock again, stroking it in time to the movements of his fingers. He had pulled his knees up to allow himself better access and he wondered what he looked like right now, lying on that cream leather sofa naked and with his legs spread as he pleasured himself in the most intimate of ways. Was it a sight You would want to see? Gackt could imagine what it would feel like to have You’s deep brown eyes fixed to his body as he teased himself and performed in a manner he had never done before. He hated to touch himself, but for You, he would.
For You, he currently was.
The more Gackt thought about it the more he could feel that honey stare on his flesh. If he concentrated enough, he could hear words of encouragement being said to him in You’s deep voice. They were telling him about all of the things You wanted to do to him and have him do back, and Gackt’s hands both sped up their motions, working in tandem to drive him insane.
When he finally came, his hips bucking up from the sofa as he emptied himself on his hand and stomach, it was You’s name on his lips.
It took a few moments for Gackt to come back down from his blissful high and when he did, his cheeks were flushed with shame. Jerking off, alone, in his hotel room to fantasies of someone so far out of his reach they may as well have been on a different planet? What was he? Twelve? He wondered, briefly, if his fans felt the same sense of shame whenever they masturbated to images or thoughts of him, but quickly dismissed those thoughts and headed for the bathroom to clean up.
As he washed his hands and stomach, he found that he couldn’t look at himself in the mirror. He didn’t want to see the reflection of the desperate man that he had become.
Gackt knew that there was no way he would be able to sleep now so he got dressed, grabbed his bag and hotel room key and headed out for a walk. A quick glance at the clock on his iPhone during the elevator ride showed that it was 3AM. It also showed that the phone was almost out of battery, but his preoccupied mind didn’t recognise that as he walked out onto the dark streets of Barcelona.
Alone.
*~*~*~
You was dreaming.
He knew he was dreaming because he was in Gackt’s hotel suite, laughing and sharing a joke with Gackt who was laughing so hard tears were rolling down his cheeks. He didn’t know what the joke was and didn’t know if it was funny or not, but it was making Gackt laugh and that was all You needed to laugh as well.
But then Gackt stopped laughing.
Gackt was unconscious on the floor, like he had been that morning in Osaka, and You was trying to reach him, trying to make sure that he was okay, but he couldn’t get close. There was a barrier stopping him from reaching out to Gackt, and he felt helpless. Gackt needed him and he couldn’t be there because this invisible force was wedged between them.
You didn’t know what it was. He punched and kicked the air and screamed and shouted until his voice disappeared, but still, he couldn’t break down that barrier. Gackt still lay beyond it, a motionless, pale figure on the floor and You had never felt so desperate in his entire life. He needed to be there for Gackt. He was the only one who could be.
You nearly tripped over his feet when a message appeared, written in gold ink in the place that the invisible barrier was.
“You need to say the magic words.”
Magic words? What words? What words were there that would break down this barrier that existed between him and Gackt?
Just as the dream You was pondering this further, the real You was being woken by a frantic pounding on his door.
He shook his head free of the dream and stumbled out of bed, shuffling over to the door in only his boxer shorts. A quick glance at the clock next to his bed showed that it was 4:00AM and his sleepy mind instantly woke up to full alertness.
Being woken at 4:00AM was never good news.
He opened the door and saw Taka, Gackt’s current training partner of choice, standing in the hallway looking very agitated and slightly scared. A couple of the bodyguards were roaming the halls, and it didn’t take long for You’s glance to automatically go down the hall to Gackt’s suite and the open door.
“What’s going on, Taka?” You asked, not even attempting to hide the nervousness in his voice.
“Is Gackt with you?” Taka asked, “I know you guys sometimes share a room together.”
You closed his eyes. He didn’t need to be reminded of the things that he and Gackt used to do together. “He’s not here… wait… if you’re asking me where he is, does that mean that you don’t know where he is?!”
Taka nervously hopped from one foot to the other. “He’s not in his hotel room.”
“Have you tried the bar?”
Taka nodded. “Yes, and the gym, the lounge, the swimming pool, the hotel grounds and everywhere else we can think of.”
“Have you called him?”
“His phone is switched off,” Taka answered. “We were really hoping he’d be with you… Could he be with anyone else?”
You thought for a few moments. Gackt trusted Chacha, but he knew that there was only ever one person Gackt came to at night and that thanks to his stupidity, Gackt wouldn’t come to him anymore. “No, he would only ever be with me.”
“Damn,” Taka exclaimed. “We know he went to bed last night, but he’s disappeared…”
“You mean you’ve lost him,” You said sharply. “How could he leave without anyone noticing? What happened to the person on guard duty at the elevator?”
Taka looked even more nervous. “He fell asleep.”
You couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Whenever Gackt stayed in a hotel he would book the entire floor and have a bodyguard positioned by the elevator to ensure that only the people who should be there, were there. It was for both Gackt’s privacy and security, and You could easily remember those early days when the budget didn’t quite run to such measures and fangirls would be found stalking the halls outside Gackt’s room trying to break in.
It was an important job.
“He fell asleep?!” You exclaimed angrily. “Anything could have happened to Gackt!”
“I know,” Taka agreed, “he’s very sorry…”
“Sorry?! Sorry doesn’t explain what happened to Gackt does it?”
You shut the door in Taka’s face.
He stalked around his hotel room in an anger that he hadn’t felt for a long time. Gackt was missing and it was all due to a bodyguard falling asleep on the job. You felt so angry he could barely see straight. Gackt was having trouble sleeping and everybody knew this so they should have been on high alert for him to do something crazy, not sleeping on the job!
You hastily grabbed the first clothes he could lay his hands on and ran out of the door.
He’d made it down to reception before he was stopped by the senior bodyguard Chad and the news that the receptionist had seen a man matching Gackt’s description walk out of the hotel about an hour earlier. You wanted to join the small group of people who were out walking the streets trying to find Gackt, but he’d been talked into staying behind, just in case Gackt came back.
He claimed a seat in the reception area and began to wait. He was joined, shortly after by Chacha and Junji, both of whom had been woken by the noise in the hallway and in particular, You’s earlier outbursts. Chacha had tried to speak to him, to reassure him that Gackt was a big boy and knew what he was doing, but You had waved away the comfort. He didn’t feel like he deserved it, not when he knew it was the lack of sleep that had driven Gackt to do something as crazy as walking the streets of a foreign city at 4:00AM.
But Chacha had always been a mind reader. “It’s not your fault, You.”
You stayed silent.
“I told Gackt that if he couldn’t sleep he could always knock on my door and we could have a game of poker or something. He had options, he didn’t have to decide on walking the streets.”
You glared at Chacha. “Did you honestly think he’d ever take you up on that offer? Really?”
This time it was Chacha who remained silent.
“I can’t help but worry about him, Cha,” You said, “and not just because of how he’s been acting the last few weeks either. You only have to take one look at him to know that he has money, what if he bumps into the wrong person?”
“If I was a mugger I’d target him,” Junji nodded, “although I think we should be more worried about people traffickers.”
Chacha turned in his seat to face Junji. “What the hell are you talking about?!”
Junji sat forward in his chair, his enthusiasm for the subject obvious in spite of the circumstances. “I watched this TV show about it. They kidnap people and smuggle them abroad so that they can be put to work as slaves… Gackt could be tied up in some old woman’s sex dungeon right now.”
Chacha stared at Junji, not sure whether to hit him or hug him for trying to lighten the tone of the conversation. You, however, looked like he was ready to kill the drummer for offering such a flippant suggestion.
“That really isn’t helping, Junji,” Chacha said quickly, hoping to diffuse some of You’s anger, “I’m sure he’s fine. He probably just got lost, we all know that he doesn’t have the best sense of direction. They’ll probably find him sitting on a bench two blocks away staring at his iPhone in the hope that the dead battery will find some charge so he can use Google Maps and find his way back.”
You sighed. He had to admit that it did seem the most likely scenario, and certainly more likely than Junji’s, but he couldn’t shake that image of Gackt being mugged or assaulted for his overpriced sunglasses. “I guess you’re right, Cha.”
“Of course I am,” Chacha agreed. “We are talking about the man who managed to get lost in his own walk in closet once.”
“He did?” Junji asked. “Was he drunk…”
Junji’s question was interrupted by the sight of a tired and sheepish looking Gackt slowly walking into reception.
All three band members jumped to their feet and rushed to greet him. Gackt seemed taken aback at the sight of the three of them waiting for him in the reception area at, according to the clock in reception, 4:30AM.
“Why are you guys up?” Gackt asked.
“We’re up because of you!” You exclaimed. “Where the hell have you been?!”
Gackt looked at Chacha and Junji with confused eyes, but neither of them answered him. “I went for a walk…”
“Without telling anyone?!” You was nearly shouting now, but he didn’t care. Gackt had to know what the consequences of his actions were. “Half of the crew are out there looking for you!”
“Why?” Gackt asked. “I only went for a walk…”
“Gakkun,” Chacha said calmly, stepping in-between Gackt and the increasingly angry You, “we didn’t know that. All we knew was that your hotel room was empty and your phone was switched off. You’ve really worried us all this morning.”
“Oh,” Gackt answered. He tried to think of something else to say, but couldn’t find the words. He didn’t expect that his walk and the following hour he’d spent walking the streets trying to find his hotel again after becoming horrendously lost, would cause this much trouble.
It seemed that all he was doing lately was causing trouble for people.
You was incensed. “Is that all you can say? There’s no apology or ‘thanks for being concerned’?”
Gackt shifted uncomfortably on his aching feet. “I didn’t realise…”
“No, you never do,” You interrupted him. “You never think of anyone but yourself do you?”
“You,” Chacha said firmly, his voice full of warning.
“What do you care anyway?” Gackt asked. “You’ve done all that you can these past couple of weeks to drive me away and put distance between us. Don’t act like you care now.”
“How dare you say that to me…” Of course I care!
“Whatever,” Gackt said. “I’m not arguing with you here. I’m going to take a shower and then head for training.”
“Aren’t you going to sleep?” Junji asked meekly.
“I’m not tired,” Gackt lied. “I’ll see you all soon.”
“But before you do that, Gakkun,” Chacha said, “we’re going to have a chat.”
Gackt shook his head. “No, we aren’t…”
It wasn’t until You saw Gackt be forcibly marched away by Chacha against his will, the strength needed to fight Chacha simply not there, that You realised exactly how tired Gackt was. Gackt could normally fight Chacha off using only one hand but now, he couldn’t do it even when using his entire body weight. He felt all of the anger directed at Gackt leave him and turn inward.
He’d made it worse again, hadn’t he?
*~*~*~
“Cha, I really need to shower…”
“It can wait five minutes,” Chacha said as he pushed Gackt into the empty restaurant.
There were a few staff members there and they were beginning to get things ready for the breakfast rush, but one glare from Chacha immediately quelled any arguments. They’d all worked in this five star hotel long enough to know that the more money the guests had, the more likely they were to act crazy and it was best just to turn a blind eye.
“I know what’s happening between the two of you.”
Gackt scowled at him and leaned against a table. “Really? Why don’t you inform me…”
“You told You you’re in love with him and he doesn’t feel the same.”
Gackt stood still, simply staring at Chacha in shock that he knew what was happening. You must have told him. It was the only explanation. Gackt felt sick. How could You have done that? Who else had he told? Were they all laughing behind his back at how You had rejected him?
“He hasn’t told anyone else, Gakkun,” Chacha stated, his skills as mind reader coming into play again. “It’s just me and the two of you who know.”
Gackt couldn’t lift his eyes from the floor. He didn’t want to see the expression on Chacha’s face. He didn’t think he could cope if Chacha, the sensible, non-judgemental tower of strength, was looking at him with either mockery or pity in his eyes. Out of the two, he thought pity would be the worse and he knew from the tone in Chacha’s voice, that it was very possible that pity was what he would see.
“For what it’s worth I think you were right to tell him,” Chacha said. “You were right to take that gamble and maybe on another day with different stakes it would have paid off, but on that day it didn’t. Don’t hate yourself because you took a chance.”
“No, I don’t need to hate myself when You can do that for me,” Gackt said sadly.
“What? He doesn’t hate you! What makes you think that?”
“He doesn’t even want to be friends with me anymore, Cha. He must hate me,” Gackt answered.
Chacha sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. This really was a mess. Both You and Gackt were convinced of what the other thought and they were both wrong. If only he could get them to speak to each other without Gackt’s pride and insecurities and You’s deep rooted denial interfering.
“He doesn’t hate you,” Chacha said softly, “he just doesn’t know what to say or do in order to make things right between you again.”
“If he doesn’t know then I can’t tell him,” Gackt said. “Now I really do need to take a shower.”
Before Chacha could stop him, Gackt was running out of the restaurant and heading for the elevator, eager for the sanctity of his hotel suite. He didn’t care if the nightmares and demons wanted to stalk him as he would welcome them with open arms because they were familiar and constant. The real world was becoming far scarier and more difficult to deal with than any nightmare ever could be.
TBC...
Notes
1) I don't think Gackt is acting entirely rationally any more...
2) I also think You should probably stop talking.
3) Next part is in Germany… You can probably guess what it’s about.
Previous part - THE NEXT DECADE
Next part - EVER
Author - unwritten_ideas
Beta - write_my_dreams
Rating - eventual NC-17, this part R
Word Count - 4,573 (69,000ish total)
Pairing - eventual Gackt x You
Characters - Gackt, You, Chacha, Junji, Chirolyn
Disclaimer - don’t own squat and if I did, I’d be posting this with pictures
Summary - Gackt and You are more than friends, closer than brothers and have a relationship that is hard to define. During the YFC tour, that relationship changes forever. Will it make them or break them?
Gackt goes for a late night stroll in Barcelona.
Barcelona, July 20th
The sheets felt too scratchy, and he didn’t like the smell of the detergent the hotel had used to clean them. The elevators were too noisy and the left one made this quiet squeaking sound whenever it came to rest on his floor. The wallpaper on the walls wasn’t bright enough, but the paint on the ceiling was too bright.
Gackt rolled over, those too scratchy sheets moving with him and lay on his back, staring at that too bright ceiling. It was 2:30AM. By his reckoning he’d been in bed for about an hour and sleep had, as expected, evaded him, but he now had a pretty good idea of all the things that were wrong with his hotel suite.
He was tired, so unbelievably tired, but his mind refused to switch off long enough for him to fall asleep. He had pushed his body all day and had fought against sleep so hard that now that he had the time in his schedule so that he could sleep, his body simply wouldn’t allow him to do so. Sometimes, he feared that he’d pushed against the pull of sleep so much that his body no longer remembered how to sleep, only how to fight it.
But, he knew, that theory wasn’t entirely true.
He couldn’t sleep because whenever he closed his eyes, those icy claws sank into his chest and refused to let him go. The nightmares were back and showing him visions of himself, alone, abandoned and unloved in some wide white room somewhere. Sometimes he’d have company in the guise of those boys and girls that had shared that hospital with him when he was a young boy, but hadn’t been lucky enough to leave and they would mock him, laughing at his isolation and how nobody had come to save him.
He called them nightmares, but sometimes he wondered if they were memories. Were the children fictional demons that haunted his dreams, or ghosts that had spent the first days of their deaths hovering around his hospital bed?
Usually the nightmares would be driven away by the warm and secure presence of You lying next to him. Those demons never came to taunt his loneliness when You was by his side, but thanks to his own stupidity, You was no longer there.
He took one long, lingering look at the left hand side, You’s side, of the bed and then got up, willing to admit defeat one more night.
He walked into the living area of the suite, the warmth of a July Spanish night ensuring that his naked skin felt no chill, and sat upon the sofa. His laptop was on the table before him, but he ignored that in favour of the pile of notebooks that sat alongside it. They were his ideas notebooks - even though his Mac had become an important everyday tool in his business and private lives, he still preferred to write down lyrics and concepts in notebooks. There was something about the act of actually writing, of his pen sweeping across the page to write the individual strokes of each kanji that fuelled his creativity in a way that typing away at keys never could.
The notebook on top of the pile contained the ideas he was currently working on, the logistics of asking fans to wear bikinis or three layers for the recently booked Tokyo shows next month and potential plans for another Camui Gakuen tour. He put this notebook to one side and instead starting flicking through the book underneath. It contained notes and hastily drawn sketches that Gackt immediately recognised as being for the Requiem et Reminiscence II tour last year.
As he continued flicking through the pages, a photo fell to the floor.
It was a Polaroid snap of him and You.
He could remember the day it was taken. Kazuya had, for some reason he still didn’t understand, bought a Polaroid camera and had insisted on taking photos of everyone and asking them to sign them. Gackt had, of course, managed to get his face into most of the photos taken and he distinctly remembered having photos taken with all of the band and dancers individually. The only photo he had, however, was the photo he held in his hands.
It had been taken after a training session and they were both sweaty and exhausted. They both wore tour T shirts and tired smiles as they had posed, You leaning back against Gackt so much that Gackt appeared to be the taller of the two. Gackt had his arm loosely draped around You’s neck and both of them were giving peace signs to the camera.
It was a cute photo, made even cuter by the simple message You had written underneath - “soul mates”.
Gackt reverently placed the photo back into the notebook as if it was a priceless historical document and in a way, to Gackt, it was. It was a reminder of years gone by and exactly what he’d lost due to his idiotic need to confess something that should have remained a secret.
He missed You. So much.
He sank back into the sofa and lay down, stretched out on his back again with the too bright ceiling staring down and taunting him. His mind drifted back to earlier that day, to the third show of the European tour and the huge success it had been.
He had always loved concerts and that unique adrenaline rush that only came from doing something he loved in front of a crowd of people who loved him for it. The smiles on the faces of the fans he could see and the screams and chants of the fans he couldn’t were fuel for his soul and the only reason why he kept subjecting himself to the harsh craziness of the music business and the never ending cycle of promotion and release.
But now, the lives were starting to become the only reason why he got up in the morning. The European fans were amazing in their dedication, love and devotion for him, and he felt honoured to be performing in front of them at last, but they were not his driving force anymore.
No, the reason why he was beginning to live for his lives was because for those two short hours he was on stage, he could pretend that everything was normal.
From the opening note of Zan to the closing note of Uncontrol, things were as they should be; just one band working together to make the best show they could. Gackt had long had a rule that personal problems, no matter how important or upsetting they were, should be left at the side of the stage and after years of practising this it meant that he and You could step out on stage as if the last couple of weeks had never happened.
You would smile at him and Gackt could smile back. They’d stand next to each other, united and strong just as they always had. For those two hours at least, Gackt had his You back.
It was still so easy on stage. At the end of Justified Gackt would walk over to You and lean on him while You would continue playing, smiling wide as if he had the most important person in the world using him as a leaning post. For the last chorus lines of Uncontrol they’d stand at the front of the stage alongside Chacha and Chirolyn, bouncing from side to side in time with the music, both equally shirtless and sweaty…
Gackt groaned. He really shouldn’t be thinking of a shirtless and sweaty You, not when he was stretched out naked on the leather sofa in his hotel room. The soft leather felt so good underneath him and he had always had a fondness for the feel of leather against his skin.
He knew that resorting to this for the second time in two days would make him hate himself when it was over, but while he lay there with thoughts of a naked You in his mind and the feel of leather against his skin, he couldn’t stop his hands from moving across his flesh.
He moved his right hand over his face and neck, down past his chest and stomach and quickly skipped over his hips before it came to rest on his upper thigh. Is that how You would touch him? Would he map out Gackt’s body, paying attention to every curve and muscle or would he move straight to the finish line, unable to wait and delay the pleasure?
Gackt took his hardening cock in hand and gave it a few light strokes, aiming to tease himself more than deliver pleasure. He was, by nature, a tease so it seemed only right that he would tease himself and he could feel his cock hardening in his hand with every light stroke. He licked his left thumb and forefinger and pinched his nipples, eyes closed as he imagined it was a wet mouth that was teasing those nubs with a pressure that bordered on pain.
Was You a biter? Gackt hoped he was. Despite his obsession with being perfect and flawless at all times, Gackt loved a little rough play and he was reminded of this when every tight pinch to his always sensitive nipples sent bolts of pleasure south to his hardening cock.
One of his long legs fell from the sofa onto the floor as the hand that had held his cock moved further back. He gave his balls a few teasing touches, lightly danced his fingertips over that patch of skin behind that always made him scream when teased correctly, and then found what he was looking for. He quickly sucked the fingers of his other hand before pushing one inside his entrance.
If it had been a long time since he’d last had sex, it had been even longer since he’d last done this... or had anyone do it to him. His body was screaming for more, but he took his time, pushing his finger further inside at a maddeningly slow pace so that he could feel every movement.
He hoped You would take things slow. Gackt liked to savour those last few moments before finally becoming one with his partner and he knew that with You, he’d want to commit every last second into his memory and revel in the anticipation of what was to come.
A second finger slipped inside as he took hold of his cock again, stroking it in time to the movements of his fingers. He had pulled his knees up to allow himself better access and he wondered what he looked like right now, lying on that cream leather sofa naked and with his legs spread as he pleasured himself in the most intimate of ways. Was it a sight You would want to see? Gackt could imagine what it would feel like to have You’s deep brown eyes fixed to his body as he teased himself and performed in a manner he had never done before. He hated to touch himself, but for You, he would.
For You, he currently was.
The more Gackt thought about it the more he could feel that honey stare on his flesh. If he concentrated enough, he could hear words of encouragement being said to him in You’s deep voice. They were telling him about all of the things You wanted to do to him and have him do back, and Gackt’s hands both sped up their motions, working in tandem to drive him insane.
When he finally came, his hips bucking up from the sofa as he emptied himself on his hand and stomach, it was You’s name on his lips.
It took a few moments for Gackt to come back down from his blissful high and when he did, his cheeks were flushed with shame. Jerking off, alone, in his hotel room to fantasies of someone so far out of his reach they may as well have been on a different planet? What was he? Twelve? He wondered, briefly, if his fans felt the same sense of shame whenever they masturbated to images or thoughts of him, but quickly dismissed those thoughts and headed for the bathroom to clean up.
As he washed his hands and stomach, he found that he couldn’t look at himself in the mirror. He didn’t want to see the reflection of the desperate man that he had become.
Gackt knew that there was no way he would be able to sleep now so he got dressed, grabbed his bag and hotel room key and headed out for a walk. A quick glance at the clock on his iPhone during the elevator ride showed that it was 3AM. It also showed that the phone was almost out of battery, but his preoccupied mind didn’t recognise that as he walked out onto the dark streets of Barcelona.
Alone.
*~*~*~
You was dreaming.
He knew he was dreaming because he was in Gackt’s hotel suite, laughing and sharing a joke with Gackt who was laughing so hard tears were rolling down his cheeks. He didn’t know what the joke was and didn’t know if it was funny or not, but it was making Gackt laugh and that was all You needed to laugh as well.
But then Gackt stopped laughing.
Gackt was unconscious on the floor, like he had been that morning in Osaka, and You was trying to reach him, trying to make sure that he was okay, but he couldn’t get close. There was a barrier stopping him from reaching out to Gackt, and he felt helpless. Gackt needed him and he couldn’t be there because this invisible force was wedged between them.
You didn’t know what it was. He punched and kicked the air and screamed and shouted until his voice disappeared, but still, he couldn’t break down that barrier. Gackt still lay beyond it, a motionless, pale figure on the floor and You had never felt so desperate in his entire life. He needed to be there for Gackt. He was the only one who could be.
You nearly tripped over his feet when a message appeared, written in gold ink in the place that the invisible barrier was.
“You need to say the magic words.”
Magic words? What words? What words were there that would break down this barrier that existed between him and Gackt?
Just as the dream You was pondering this further, the real You was being woken by a frantic pounding on his door.
He shook his head free of the dream and stumbled out of bed, shuffling over to the door in only his boxer shorts. A quick glance at the clock next to his bed showed that it was 4:00AM and his sleepy mind instantly woke up to full alertness.
Being woken at 4:00AM was never good news.
He opened the door and saw Taka, Gackt’s current training partner of choice, standing in the hallway looking very agitated and slightly scared. A couple of the bodyguards were roaming the halls, and it didn’t take long for You’s glance to automatically go down the hall to Gackt’s suite and the open door.
“What’s going on, Taka?” You asked, not even attempting to hide the nervousness in his voice.
“Is Gackt with you?” Taka asked, “I know you guys sometimes share a room together.”
You closed his eyes. He didn’t need to be reminded of the things that he and Gackt used to do together. “He’s not here… wait… if you’re asking me where he is, does that mean that you don’t know where he is?!”
Taka nervously hopped from one foot to the other. “He’s not in his hotel room.”
“Have you tried the bar?”
Taka nodded. “Yes, and the gym, the lounge, the swimming pool, the hotel grounds and everywhere else we can think of.”
“Have you called him?”
“His phone is switched off,” Taka answered. “We were really hoping he’d be with you… Could he be with anyone else?”
You thought for a few moments. Gackt trusted Chacha, but he knew that there was only ever one person Gackt came to at night and that thanks to his stupidity, Gackt wouldn’t come to him anymore. “No, he would only ever be with me.”
“Damn,” Taka exclaimed. “We know he went to bed last night, but he’s disappeared…”
“You mean you’ve lost him,” You said sharply. “How could he leave without anyone noticing? What happened to the person on guard duty at the elevator?”
Taka looked even more nervous. “He fell asleep.”
You couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Whenever Gackt stayed in a hotel he would book the entire floor and have a bodyguard positioned by the elevator to ensure that only the people who should be there, were there. It was for both Gackt’s privacy and security, and You could easily remember those early days when the budget didn’t quite run to such measures and fangirls would be found stalking the halls outside Gackt’s room trying to break in.
It was an important job.
“He fell asleep?!” You exclaimed angrily. “Anything could have happened to Gackt!”
“I know,” Taka agreed, “he’s very sorry…”
“Sorry?! Sorry doesn’t explain what happened to Gackt does it?”
You shut the door in Taka’s face.
He stalked around his hotel room in an anger that he hadn’t felt for a long time. Gackt was missing and it was all due to a bodyguard falling asleep on the job. You felt so angry he could barely see straight. Gackt was having trouble sleeping and everybody knew this so they should have been on high alert for him to do something crazy, not sleeping on the job!
You hastily grabbed the first clothes he could lay his hands on and ran out of the door.
He’d made it down to reception before he was stopped by the senior bodyguard Chad and the news that the receptionist had seen a man matching Gackt’s description walk out of the hotel about an hour earlier. You wanted to join the small group of people who were out walking the streets trying to find Gackt, but he’d been talked into staying behind, just in case Gackt came back.
He claimed a seat in the reception area and began to wait. He was joined, shortly after by Chacha and Junji, both of whom had been woken by the noise in the hallway and in particular, You’s earlier outbursts. Chacha had tried to speak to him, to reassure him that Gackt was a big boy and knew what he was doing, but You had waved away the comfort. He didn’t feel like he deserved it, not when he knew it was the lack of sleep that had driven Gackt to do something as crazy as walking the streets of a foreign city at 4:00AM.
But Chacha had always been a mind reader. “It’s not your fault, You.”
You stayed silent.
“I told Gackt that if he couldn’t sleep he could always knock on my door and we could have a game of poker or something. He had options, he didn’t have to decide on walking the streets.”
You glared at Chacha. “Did you honestly think he’d ever take you up on that offer? Really?”
This time it was Chacha who remained silent.
“I can’t help but worry about him, Cha,” You said, “and not just because of how he’s been acting the last few weeks either. You only have to take one look at him to know that he has money, what if he bumps into the wrong person?”
“If I was a mugger I’d target him,” Junji nodded, “although I think we should be more worried about people traffickers.”
Chacha turned in his seat to face Junji. “What the hell are you talking about?!”
Junji sat forward in his chair, his enthusiasm for the subject obvious in spite of the circumstances. “I watched this TV show about it. They kidnap people and smuggle them abroad so that they can be put to work as slaves… Gackt could be tied up in some old woman’s sex dungeon right now.”
Chacha stared at Junji, not sure whether to hit him or hug him for trying to lighten the tone of the conversation. You, however, looked like he was ready to kill the drummer for offering such a flippant suggestion.
“That really isn’t helping, Junji,” Chacha said quickly, hoping to diffuse some of You’s anger, “I’m sure he’s fine. He probably just got lost, we all know that he doesn’t have the best sense of direction. They’ll probably find him sitting on a bench two blocks away staring at his iPhone in the hope that the dead battery will find some charge so he can use Google Maps and find his way back.”
You sighed. He had to admit that it did seem the most likely scenario, and certainly more likely than Junji’s, but he couldn’t shake that image of Gackt being mugged or assaulted for his overpriced sunglasses. “I guess you’re right, Cha.”
“Of course I am,” Chacha agreed. “We are talking about the man who managed to get lost in his own walk in closet once.”
“He did?” Junji asked. “Was he drunk…”
Junji’s question was interrupted by the sight of a tired and sheepish looking Gackt slowly walking into reception.
All three band members jumped to their feet and rushed to greet him. Gackt seemed taken aback at the sight of the three of them waiting for him in the reception area at, according to the clock in reception, 4:30AM.
“Why are you guys up?” Gackt asked.
“We’re up because of you!” You exclaimed. “Where the hell have you been?!”
Gackt looked at Chacha and Junji with confused eyes, but neither of them answered him. “I went for a walk…”
“Without telling anyone?!” You was nearly shouting now, but he didn’t care. Gackt had to know what the consequences of his actions were. “Half of the crew are out there looking for you!”
“Why?” Gackt asked. “I only went for a walk…”
“Gakkun,” Chacha said calmly, stepping in-between Gackt and the increasingly angry You, “we didn’t know that. All we knew was that your hotel room was empty and your phone was switched off. You’ve really worried us all this morning.”
“Oh,” Gackt answered. He tried to think of something else to say, but couldn’t find the words. He didn’t expect that his walk and the following hour he’d spent walking the streets trying to find his hotel again after becoming horrendously lost, would cause this much trouble.
It seemed that all he was doing lately was causing trouble for people.
You was incensed. “Is that all you can say? There’s no apology or ‘thanks for being concerned’?”
Gackt shifted uncomfortably on his aching feet. “I didn’t realise…”
“No, you never do,” You interrupted him. “You never think of anyone but yourself do you?”
“You,” Chacha said firmly, his voice full of warning.
“What do you care anyway?” Gackt asked. “You’ve done all that you can these past couple of weeks to drive me away and put distance between us. Don’t act like you care now.”
“How dare you say that to me…” Of course I care!
“Whatever,” Gackt said. “I’m not arguing with you here. I’m going to take a shower and then head for training.”
“Aren’t you going to sleep?” Junji asked meekly.
“I’m not tired,” Gackt lied. “I’ll see you all soon.”
“But before you do that, Gakkun,” Chacha said, “we’re going to have a chat.”
Gackt shook his head. “No, we aren’t…”
It wasn’t until You saw Gackt be forcibly marched away by Chacha against his will, the strength needed to fight Chacha simply not there, that You realised exactly how tired Gackt was. Gackt could normally fight Chacha off using only one hand but now, he couldn’t do it even when using his entire body weight. He felt all of the anger directed at Gackt leave him and turn inward.
He’d made it worse again, hadn’t he?
*~*~*~
“Cha, I really need to shower…”
“It can wait five minutes,” Chacha said as he pushed Gackt into the empty restaurant.
There were a few staff members there and they were beginning to get things ready for the breakfast rush, but one glare from Chacha immediately quelled any arguments. They’d all worked in this five star hotel long enough to know that the more money the guests had, the more likely they were to act crazy and it was best just to turn a blind eye.
“I know what’s happening between the two of you.”
Gackt scowled at him and leaned against a table. “Really? Why don’t you inform me…”
“You told You you’re in love with him and he doesn’t feel the same.”
Gackt stood still, simply staring at Chacha in shock that he knew what was happening. You must have told him. It was the only explanation. Gackt felt sick. How could You have done that? Who else had he told? Were they all laughing behind his back at how You had rejected him?
“He hasn’t told anyone else, Gakkun,” Chacha stated, his skills as mind reader coming into play again. “It’s just me and the two of you who know.”
Gackt couldn’t lift his eyes from the floor. He didn’t want to see the expression on Chacha’s face. He didn’t think he could cope if Chacha, the sensible, non-judgemental tower of strength, was looking at him with either mockery or pity in his eyes. Out of the two, he thought pity would be the worse and he knew from the tone in Chacha’s voice, that it was very possible that pity was what he would see.
“For what it’s worth I think you were right to tell him,” Chacha said. “You were right to take that gamble and maybe on another day with different stakes it would have paid off, but on that day it didn’t. Don’t hate yourself because you took a chance.”
“No, I don’t need to hate myself when You can do that for me,” Gackt said sadly.
“What? He doesn’t hate you! What makes you think that?”
“He doesn’t even want to be friends with me anymore, Cha. He must hate me,” Gackt answered.
Chacha sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. This really was a mess. Both You and Gackt were convinced of what the other thought and they were both wrong. If only he could get them to speak to each other without Gackt’s pride and insecurities and You’s deep rooted denial interfering.
“He doesn’t hate you,” Chacha said softly, “he just doesn’t know what to say or do in order to make things right between you again.”
“If he doesn’t know then I can’t tell him,” Gackt said. “Now I really do need to take a shower.”
Before Chacha could stop him, Gackt was running out of the restaurant and heading for the elevator, eager for the sanctity of his hotel suite. He didn’t care if the nightmares and demons wanted to stalk him as he would welcome them with open arms because they were familiar and constant. The real world was becoming far scarier and more difficult to deal with than any nightmare ever could be.
TBC...
Notes
1) I don't think Gackt is acting entirely rationally any more...
2) I also think You should probably stop talking.
3) Next part is in Germany… You can probably guess what it’s about.
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