life
It's been two days since the show I was working on closed. In the 48 hours since I left the theatre, I've been snippier at work and quietly stressed out at home. As I sit here the chicken is broiling in the kitchen and some very non-descript mid-nineties music is drifting rather loudly from my brother's computer and I'm simply unhappy. I don't even know if unhappy is the right word...discontent sounds better. It has a similar meaning, but somehow it doesn't seem as blunt. I'm not bluntly unhappy...I'm restlessly unhappy. I don't even know if that makes sense.
I'm filled with an increasing desire to live alone. I love my sister and brother dearly but I am finding that despite my love, and perhaps because of it, it's becoming harder and harder to live with them. My brother more so than my sister. I've known my sister literally from the womb and am perfectly aware that I can yell and vent my frustrations on her. I can say awful things to her in the midst of fighting (or just in normal conversation) and I know that our relationship will never be irreparable. We'll always be close and I cannot imagine a situation that would cause an estrangement between us.
The relationship I have with my brother is much different. I've known him only five years. I did not grow up with him and gain the frankness that comes with a long-term relationship. I'm tentative with him and hesitate to bring up serious subjects because I'm totally unsure (despite living with him for over a year now) how he will react, if he will react and if addressing these subjects will have any effect. I feel like what I know of him, what I've learned about him in the past year does not help me in any way in actually talking to him about anything more than trivialities. There are several things I want to talk about with him and I'm afraid. Not of him, but of what I should say, what I need to say will do to our relationship. I don't deal well with people I love being mad at me, and I do just about everything I can to avoid that (and that's a huge problem for me, isn't it?). The three of us have at least 10 more months of living here and I don't want that time to be filled with animosity. I also don't want it to continue in this same vein. What do you do when you don't know what to do or how to do it? And you have no way of learning what you need to know in order to do it?
Perhaps to avoid the magnanimous situation at home, I was thinking about going down to the Alma Mater this weekend. About two hours ago, life got in the way of those by-no-means-solid plans. And what aspect of life might have gotten in the way, you might ask? ...Family. I love my family so much, but they always seem to need me at the precise moments that I want to get away from them. That sounds disgustingly selfish and I'm disgusted with myself for feeling it.
I know that life shouldn't be easy, but sometimes I wish that it was a little bit easier than this. I also wish that I was not as deeply affected (effected? crap, I never get that right) by things as I am.
I'm filled with an increasing desire to live alone. I love my sister and brother dearly but I am finding that despite my love, and perhaps because of it, it's becoming harder and harder to live with them. My brother more so than my sister. I've known my sister literally from the womb and am perfectly aware that I can yell and vent my frustrations on her. I can say awful things to her in the midst of fighting (or just in normal conversation) and I know that our relationship will never be irreparable. We'll always be close and I cannot imagine a situation that would cause an estrangement between us.
The relationship I have with my brother is much different. I've known him only five years. I did not grow up with him and gain the frankness that comes with a long-term relationship. I'm tentative with him and hesitate to bring up serious subjects because I'm totally unsure (despite living with him for over a year now) how he will react, if he will react and if addressing these subjects will have any effect. I feel like what I know of him, what I've learned about him in the past year does not help me in any way in actually talking to him about anything more than trivialities. There are several things I want to talk about with him and I'm afraid. Not of him, but of what I should say, what I need to say will do to our relationship. I don't deal well with people I love being mad at me, and I do just about everything I can to avoid that (and that's a huge problem for me, isn't it?). The three of us have at least 10 more months of living here and I don't want that time to be filled with animosity. I also don't want it to continue in this same vein. What do you do when you don't know what to do or how to do it? And you have no way of learning what you need to know in order to do it?
Perhaps to avoid the magnanimous situation at home, I was thinking about going down to the Alma Mater this weekend. About two hours ago, life got in the way of those by-no-means-solid plans. And what aspect of life might have gotten in the way, you might ask? ...Family. I love my family so much, but they always seem to need me at the precise moments that I want to get away from them. That sounds disgustingly selfish and I'm disgusted with myself for feeling it.
I know that life shouldn't be easy, but sometimes I wish that it was a little bit easier than this. I also wish that I was not as deeply affected (effected? crap, I never get that right) by things as I am.