The Morrissey soundtrack in my head
Today in the shower I suddenly remembered some baggage I'd forgotten, and I've begun to unpack it, which meant crying so hard I gagged. I can't write about it. It's not physical or sexual abuse or anything, it's a weird thing that happened a long time ago and relates to my self-confidence, and the most disturbing thing about it is actually the fact that I'd repressed it.
I had myself a whine-fest on Twitter today about my lack of click-throughs on the $5 sale (psst, discount code "pswed" applied to Casualties digital album here). This never actually makes me feel better. Somehow seeing people's encouraging comments just makes me feel guilty and selfish for soliciting them. I thought I made a witty insight, though:
I don't know anyone who's as talented as I think I am and yet so unsuccessful, so I must not be as talented as I think I am.
I didn't mean it to be a pity party, but I got a lot of encouragement. Then Pam Shaffer (http://twitter.com/pamshaffermusic) (who will be my special guest at my August house recitals!) wrote: "being an artist takes a delusional amount of tenacity. right here with you."
I don't mean to say I'm not talented, and I think this ties in to my comments last week about successful artists being overrated -- and Pam's comment suggests maybe getting to be the kind of overrated that's successful starts with our own delusions of grandeur. I need to be unafraid of being accused of such delusions. I need to be OK with the fact that people might disagree that I'm amazing, and keep believing I am. Ultimately this is the only attitude that will win for me.
In a little while I will step out with my cello and find a place to play, steady my voice because I don't need to be laughed at, put a hat in front of me, and sing.
I had myself a whine-fest on Twitter today about my lack of click-throughs on the $5 sale (psst, discount code "pswed" applied to Casualties digital album here). This never actually makes me feel better. Somehow seeing people's encouraging comments just makes me feel guilty and selfish for soliciting them. I thought I made a witty insight, though:
I don't know anyone who's as talented as I think I am and yet so unsuccessful, so I must not be as talented as I think I am.
I didn't mean it to be a pity party, but I got a lot of encouragement. Then Pam Shaffer (http://twitter.com/pamshaffermusic) (who will be my special guest at my August house recitals!) wrote: "being an artist takes a delusional amount of tenacity. right here with you."
I don't mean to say I'm not talented, and I think this ties in to my comments last week about successful artists being overrated -- and Pam's comment suggests maybe getting to be the kind of overrated that's successful starts with our own delusions of grandeur. I need to be unafraid of being accused of such delusions. I need to be OK with the fact that people might disagree that I'm amazing, and keep believing I am. Ultimately this is the only attitude that will win for me.
In a little while I will step out with my cello and find a place to play, steady my voice because I don't need to be laughed at, put a hat in front of me, and sing.