(no subject)
I keep doing this over and over. I keep coming back to him. I feel weak. I don't feel like me. I see him and it's like I see the beginning of the relationship. A period of happiness and elation that could never happen again with him or so I think. And then I hear his voice at times in my head or in reality and it just annoys the hell out of me how insensitive he can be. But before I know it I'm thinking about all the good things he's done for me and all the things he's been through and is going through and then I feel sorry for him. He also has this way of making me feel like less of a person when he opens his mouth sometimes. I mean I like his honesty and that he doesn't hold back his feelings but sometimes he's just too much, you know what I mean? Just shut up! Appreciate the silence. Just hold me and shut up! Appreciate our presence together. But I don't think he can handle me anyway. And I can't handle him. But, it's so weird. We have something. I have no idea what it is. It's like we made such a great impact on each other that it can't just be erased just because I want it to, so I could move on with my life. He was my first evrything. The first guy I trusted with my feelings and thoughts. And it blows up in my face. I don't think he listened to me. He didn't understand me and I'm so afraid that he never will. He's always asking me questions. But I'm the one who needs to ask him questions. Questions whose answers I fear the most. Do you still love me or care for me at all? If I die tomorrow, would you cry or even be sad? Do you think about me at all? Or am I just some fuck now that you can ask for money 200 times from without thinking twice about how you're affecting me? he says I need better communication skills. He doesn't understand. He never listened. I keep my feelings in and let them out either on paper or on someone who I trust my life with. I communicate with words on paper. Words on paper have more meaning to me. It has more life. It makes my feelings real, like I'm not just imagining them. He doesn't understand. He never listened. If he did, he'd know about how I communicate. He'd know who I was. He'd praise me. He wouldn't laugh at me. And you know what? If I knew him I shouldn't expect him to change overnight just to please me. He's a wonderfully unique person who enjoys constant interaction with his surroundings. I am a wonderfully unique person that lets her surroundings enjoy her. I do not need to interact with my surroundings constantly. I don't need to be entertained with constant action. I can be entertained with a pen and a book. He's entertained with dancing and talking to people. People who fall in love with his charisma. I fell in love with the life of the party. I fell in love with charisma. What did he fall in love with? I don't know anymore. I really don't know anymore. That sounds dramatic. I sound sensitive saying all this. I'm reading too much into everything. But, hey that's just me. If I wasn't like this, then I would be like everyone else. What is like everyone else you ask? I don't know. I'm not everyone else. lol. Of corse there are otheer things in my life that have been going on. Like, for example, the semester is over. My first college semester is over. And you know what I'm gonna do that I haven't done in months? Sleep till well till my eyes pop open. I hope I did well. I had six classes and so far I know I got two A's. i am proud of that, but they were easy to pass. I hope I did well or somewhat decent with the rest of my classes. Anyway, let's see, I think I've written enough for now, so until later.