(no subject)
The last time I wrote in here I was so out of my mind that I thought I would never recover. I'm not saying that I am fully recovered because its only been two months and what happened to me throughout the relationship and what happened at the end of it are like scars that bleed every time I pick at them, so right now, I try not to pick at them, but, I slip sometimes. I can never really dececribe what happened that day or what kind of relationship I really had because it is number one hurtful and second of all makes me angry because I could've avoided all this by going with my gut. I made the mistake of listening to my heart instead of my mind. I will not make that same mistake ever again. What I can say is that I hope wherever he is that he is suffering from hunger and from money pains..lol. I hope someday he becomes a better man, not only so he can become a normal member of society but because he has a spawn of himself on the way. I don't know how good of a father he can be when he wasn't a good man to begin with, but, someday maybe his eyes will be opened and he will realize that all the pain he caused to more than just me can be all changed when he gives his life to his child and molds him into what he could never be, a caring individual, who sees others not as objects to get to some kind of ends, but as people who deserve respect and empathy. I sounds so positive, but at the other end, I wish him so much emotional turmoil and legal troubles that you would not believe. I also hope that whatever he gets paid is not nearly enough to get the silly ass wants that he thought was important like a new fucking Northface down jacket. I want him to struggle and regret the day he was so fucking mean to me, so fucking cruel. He could've had it real good with me but instead he decides to mess it all up by getting with some random chick. Good for him. I hope he is having mind-blowing sex with her because that's all he has to offer. He ain't worth anything more. I no longer have to wait for him to grow-up and become a man, that girl he's with can do that, she still loves him and still with him because she don't want the child to grow up without a father, yeah, sure that's why you're around him because the baby inside of you needs him right now. I wish I didn't care that she's around him, but I truly do..it makes me worthless. Can't put it into a better word. But I am trying to date and I am currently talking to someone. He's nice. That's all I can say. I don't like him the same way I liked my ex after just a week, but we had a chemistry you couldn't deny, i don't expect anyone to match that first love.