And now these three remain: Faith, Hope and Love.
Today, I thought about my grandma. She lives with us. She's getting old. I think she's unhappy, and has been for awhile. I tend to alternate between feeling extreme heartbreak and the shared disgust/irritation of much of my family, for which I am deeply ashamed. It's just the hygiene stuff that really gets to me. The messes in the toilet that sometimes get carried to the rest of the house, the digging of fingers into food that is not hers alone (made worse by the thought of the toilet messes that she is unaware of and can hence get anywhere), the often rancid breath... I know, terrible. I got peed on by a girl with autism today and thought nothing of it. I wonder if it would be the same if it was my grandma. I think a large part of my disgust/irritation is a defense mechanism, an attempt to prevent me from feeling the full blast of heart pain. I have an extremely soft spot for the elderly. Extremely soft. Tofu soft, to borrow a friend's terminology. But when the pee or whatever gets directly on you, you can't really run anymore. Maybe that's why I had no undesired reaction today.
I was sitting at my desk, using the computer in my room when I sensed this figure hovering in my doorway. Sure enough, it was my grandma. She doesn't like to be home alone, and she likes it when I'm home. Like the good Asian she is, she doesn't express this very much, and instead hovers in the doorway to observe me silently for a bit before turning to rest on her bed, content to know that I am home. I caught her as she was leaving, and called out to her: "Hi Por Por!". She asked if I was going out that night, and after I said no, she said something I didn't catch. I asked her to repeat what she said and a smile broke out on her face as she said, "I said, 'That's good!'", followed by a little laugh. Strike one. I didn't know me being home had such an impact on her... She rarely smiles or laughs, so that was something huge.
After that, I asked her how her day was, and what she did. I asked if she had had a good day. She gave the most heartbreaking response: "What is there to be good about it? You go out with all your friends and enjoy, but here...it's quiet on the Western front." Wah strike two, and enough for strike three, man.
I asked her, "Why don't you find something to do?", which was answered by a "Like what?". Then I said, "I don't know...What do you like to do?". Strike three... "Nothing", she said, with that funny smile of hers, and walked off.
I've always had a soft spot for the elderly. When praying about how I should use this summer, God led me to think about what I could do, being home, that I can't do while I'm away. Things like practicing music and stuff can be done pretty much no matter where I am, but things like spending time with the family are circumstantially and geographically restricted to here. Hence, I'm trying to be home for dinner at least twice a week, and home during the day, if I can. Giving that extra push to overcome the tempting option to just feel disheartened but resigned at the familiar, less-than-ideal situations that occur at home and doing what I can to change that. Sometimes that means putting a smile on my face even though all I wanna do is sulk, sometimes that means volunteering to do the dishes, sometimes that means saying no to friends and spending time going grocery shopping (and even toilet seat shopping) with my mum, sometimes it means confronting the grumpiness that often shows up in my mum and trying to fight that with smiles.
And then there's her. It's always infuriated me, the way I see my mum and her siblings treat her. I know I'm not that much better, though. Cos knowing the right thing to do but being too afraid to do it is still not doing it. I know, too, that they're just tired and jaded, and it's just a coping mechanism. But I'm not content to just cope, I want to change things. It's hard, though. Sometimes I forget that determination, sometimes I forget why it's worthwhile, why I should, sometimes I think it wouldn't be so bad to just not do that one thing because I'm not making it worse, I'm just leaving things at status quo. But that's not how God measures things. So help me, Lord. Give me the strength and the courage to do what I must. I get scolded sometimes and shot dirty looks for simply asking her if she wants more food, for offering an extra portion to her... It gets hard being caught in between two people I love. But I believe it'll be worth it if I go through with it...
So... Anyone have any ideas about what activities I could try to do with a grandma whose eyesight is failing, whose walk isn't that stable, who feels abandoned and unloved and tries not to show it but inevitably does, whose soul is crying out for love and affection and just a little bit of attention? Let me know...
to live a child in awe of You, to live to love You...
I was sitting at my desk, using the computer in my room when I sensed this figure hovering in my doorway. Sure enough, it was my grandma. She doesn't like to be home alone, and she likes it when I'm home. Like the good Asian she is, she doesn't express this very much, and instead hovers in the doorway to observe me silently for a bit before turning to rest on her bed, content to know that I am home. I caught her as she was leaving, and called out to her: "Hi Por Por!". She asked if I was going out that night, and after I said no, she said something I didn't catch. I asked her to repeat what she said and a smile broke out on her face as she said, "I said, 'That's good!'", followed by a little laugh. Strike one. I didn't know me being home had such an impact on her... She rarely smiles or laughs, so that was something huge.
After that, I asked her how her day was, and what she did. I asked if she had had a good day. She gave the most heartbreaking response: "What is there to be good about it? You go out with all your friends and enjoy, but here...it's quiet on the Western front." Wah strike two, and enough for strike three, man.
I asked her, "Why don't you find something to do?", which was answered by a "Like what?". Then I said, "I don't know...What do you like to do?". Strike three... "Nothing", she said, with that funny smile of hers, and walked off.
I've always had a soft spot for the elderly. When praying about how I should use this summer, God led me to think about what I could do, being home, that I can't do while I'm away. Things like practicing music and stuff can be done pretty much no matter where I am, but things like spending time with the family are circumstantially and geographically restricted to here. Hence, I'm trying to be home for dinner at least twice a week, and home during the day, if I can. Giving that extra push to overcome the tempting option to just feel disheartened but resigned at the familiar, less-than-ideal situations that occur at home and doing what I can to change that. Sometimes that means putting a smile on my face even though all I wanna do is sulk, sometimes that means volunteering to do the dishes, sometimes that means saying no to friends and spending time going grocery shopping (and even toilet seat shopping) with my mum, sometimes it means confronting the grumpiness that often shows up in my mum and trying to fight that with smiles.
And then there's her. It's always infuriated me, the way I see my mum and her siblings treat her. I know I'm not that much better, though. Cos knowing the right thing to do but being too afraid to do it is still not doing it. I know, too, that they're just tired and jaded, and it's just a coping mechanism. But I'm not content to just cope, I want to change things. It's hard, though. Sometimes I forget that determination, sometimes I forget why it's worthwhile, why I should, sometimes I think it wouldn't be so bad to just not do that one thing because I'm not making it worse, I'm just leaving things at status quo. But that's not how God measures things. So help me, Lord. Give me the strength and the courage to do what I must. I get scolded sometimes and shot dirty looks for simply asking her if she wants more food, for offering an extra portion to her... It gets hard being caught in between two people I love. But I believe it'll be worth it if I go through with it...
So... Anyone have any ideas about what activities I could try to do with a grandma whose eyesight is failing, whose walk isn't that stable, who feels abandoned and unloved and tries not to show it but inevitably does, whose soul is crying out for love and affection and just a little bit of attention? Let me know...
to live a child in awe of You, to live to love You...