For once I am using this as a journal...
No one remembers who I am on here & that's fine. I need to write & sort things out.
I'm not really sure how in two years my life has turned around so much, in good & bad ways. It started with Eric, who I am happily married to now. It started with shitty roommates who pushed me to be a more aggressive person who stands up for herself more.
I just have so many things I want to say, I need to say & I can't figure out how to get the words out. I have been reaching out to everyone I know these last few days because I have just been so overwhelmed & lost on how to turn things around & no one has been able to help me but I think that's because I need to figure this all out for myself.
To start, two years ago started a secret drug addiction, well I guess it's an addiction, that Eric & I are finally trying to overcome. I have always loved smoking weed, always. But when I got arrested & had to do my pretrial intervention I would have to start doing drug tests which meant no more drugs. Around the same time that happened spice/potpourri/synthetic weed became huge & easily accessible. We tried it, we liked it, we kept it up. We kept it up so much that we started going through six grams of the stuff every single day. We were spending thousands of dollars on it in a month & we didn't care. Eric quit two jobs so he could stay home & smoke that shit. I've became terribly antisocial & have lost contact with all of my friends. I started hating myself & my relationship. If I wasn't stoned I was bored & angry. For two years we did this every single day.
Now, the drug is so new we have no idea what the side effects are, short or long term, whether it actually is addictive, we don't really know anything about it. I can't believe I was stupid enough to let myself do this...to let Eric do this.
After two years of smoking that stuff every day last week we decided to quit. Eric still doesn't have a job & his money is running out. The only reason we stopped was because we can't afford it anymore. Well, & it was ruining our relationship. I haven't had any type of withdrawals that I know of besides just craving it & some bastard cold that kicked my ass the same week we stopped. But Eric, poor Eric, he got the same cold, plus mood swings, severe nausea & vomiting, he's lost almost twenty pounds, he can't get his head straight. That's what makes me think there's more to that drug than just nothing. Today his mom took him to the hospital because none of what's going on with him is getting better.
I'm afraid now though....most of our relationship, minus the first six months probably, has been based solely on getting stoned together & having fun & now we have to relearn how to be with each other while we're sober. I have to learn how to fill my time. I have no interests anymore, no more hobbies, no more friends, & I'm afraid without something I am just going to get sucked back into this whole thing, or he will. How do you retrain yourself? How do you remodel your whole life with no assistance? During this whole thing because Eric's been so sick I've had to be his nurse, wife, friend, his only support. & then I've been...doing my stuff by myself. I've had no one to cry to. No on to hold me while I think about how much I have messed up in two years. I am broken right now & for once I am fixing myself by myself. I tried reaching out & even my husband didn't come to my rescue. I can't let my family know about this, they would be so ashamed & disappointed.
I am also having some major money issues for myself. Luckily Eric can support our home life but my own bills, credit cards, paying back a university, a hospital bill, the IRS, I am drowning & I don't know how to get out. I grew up living like this & I swore I would never, ever be in this situation & here I am. I feel better about it today though. I'm still struggling with how to get this under control but I know I just have to take it one day at a time & even if it's twenty years down the road I know one day I will not be sitting under $10,000 I owe other people.
There are good things though. I am enrolled in school again, starting on the 14th & this time...I am doing it right. I am not going to fuck this up again. I also got Eric in school too which will help him feel better & like he has a chance for more success. & of course I am married to a wonderful man, even if he's kind of selfish sometimes & forgetful.
I'm not really sure how in two years my life has turned around so much, in good & bad ways. It started with Eric, who I am happily married to now. It started with shitty roommates who pushed me to be a more aggressive person who stands up for herself more.
I just have so many things I want to say, I need to say & I can't figure out how to get the words out. I have been reaching out to everyone I know these last few days because I have just been so overwhelmed & lost on how to turn things around & no one has been able to help me but I think that's because I need to figure this all out for myself.
To start, two years ago started a secret drug addiction, well I guess it's an addiction, that Eric & I are finally trying to overcome. I have always loved smoking weed, always. But when I got arrested & had to do my pretrial intervention I would have to start doing drug tests which meant no more drugs. Around the same time that happened spice/potpourri/synthetic weed became huge & easily accessible. We tried it, we liked it, we kept it up. We kept it up so much that we started going through six grams of the stuff every single day. We were spending thousands of dollars on it in a month & we didn't care. Eric quit two jobs so he could stay home & smoke that shit. I've became terribly antisocial & have lost contact with all of my friends. I started hating myself & my relationship. If I wasn't stoned I was bored & angry. For two years we did this every single day.
Now, the drug is so new we have no idea what the side effects are, short or long term, whether it actually is addictive, we don't really know anything about it. I can't believe I was stupid enough to let myself do this...to let Eric do this.
After two years of smoking that stuff every day last week we decided to quit. Eric still doesn't have a job & his money is running out. The only reason we stopped was because we can't afford it anymore. Well, & it was ruining our relationship. I haven't had any type of withdrawals that I know of besides just craving it & some bastard cold that kicked my ass the same week we stopped. But Eric, poor Eric, he got the same cold, plus mood swings, severe nausea & vomiting, he's lost almost twenty pounds, he can't get his head straight. That's what makes me think there's more to that drug than just nothing. Today his mom took him to the hospital because none of what's going on with him is getting better.
I'm afraid now though....most of our relationship, minus the first six months probably, has been based solely on getting stoned together & having fun & now we have to relearn how to be with each other while we're sober. I have to learn how to fill my time. I have no interests anymore, no more hobbies, no more friends, & I'm afraid without something I am just going to get sucked back into this whole thing, or he will. How do you retrain yourself? How do you remodel your whole life with no assistance? During this whole thing because Eric's been so sick I've had to be his nurse, wife, friend, his only support. & then I've been...doing my stuff by myself. I've had no one to cry to. No on to hold me while I think about how much I have messed up in two years. I am broken right now & for once I am fixing myself by myself. I tried reaching out & even my husband didn't come to my rescue. I can't let my family know about this, they would be so ashamed & disappointed.
I am also having some major money issues for myself. Luckily Eric can support our home life but my own bills, credit cards, paying back a university, a hospital bill, the IRS, I am drowning & I don't know how to get out. I grew up living like this & I swore I would never, ever be in this situation & here I am. I feel better about it today though. I'm still struggling with how to get this under control but I know I just have to take it one day at a time & even if it's twenty years down the road I know one day I will not be sitting under $10,000 I owe other people.
There are good things though. I am enrolled in school again, starting on the 14th & this time...I am doing it right. I am not going to fuck this up again. I also got Eric in school too which will help him feel better & like he has a chance for more success. & of course I am married to a wonderful man, even if he's kind of selfish sometimes & forgetful.