It's time.
You know the saddest, happiest thing in my whole life? I still cry for my Grandma. For how much she was loved, for how much she is missed, for how quickly life took her, for how scared and alone I still feel sometimes knowing she isn't there. I don't mean a sad smile and a little tear although I do get those enough in her name. I mean gut wrenching sobfests that feel like your soul is being shredded. And it is awful. But if there comes a time when I don't feel that awful, just every now and then, I think that would be worse because I don't want her memory or love to ever fade. And lately I have been thinking it never will.
Lisa has been so great lately. Which is strange because in August her selfishness almost tore us apart. She actually didn't go to Missy's bridal shower because she didn't want to. Plain and simple and not how a family acts. So I called her on her bullshit. Which a) Felt great b) was much more productive and c) has lead to her calling me at least once a week - But that has a lot to do with the loneliness. I think my family is really worried about me being here alone. Which at first was probably fair but actually I have seen my parents once a week for the last three weeks. Significantly more than a certain someone!
I mean, honestly, how do you not do anything for my birthday for THREE YEARS IN A ROW???? And how do I still put up with it? Well I guess it is a little like this: I realized a long time ago I settle for being treated less than I should probably because I have an obsessive need to see the good in people and believe they will grow. Additionally, he makes me feel very special and loved almost all of the time. So it is kind of like a trade off. I used to have extravagant, wonderful celebrations of any event that may need to be celebrated but on a day to day basis felt ... unappreciated. Now, I feel very lucky on an everyday level but get no extravagance...Ever.
School is not impossible. It is less than fun and it is more effort than I have put into anything in a long time. I think that is why I love it. I missed caring about something, and wanting to learn. I had been very wrapped up in the idea of just get through and get a job. Now I have something much better. And will also have a stable and hopefully fruitful career.
Ohio is still the worst state ever. I get a little teary at Pure Michigan commercials. I miss the mitten. But I make the best of it and have even made lots of friends. Shocking, I know. But, alas, Like always- it is time to study.
Lisa has been so great lately. Which is strange because in August her selfishness almost tore us apart. She actually didn't go to Missy's bridal shower because she didn't want to. Plain and simple and not how a family acts. So I called her on her bullshit. Which a) Felt great b) was much more productive and c) has lead to her calling me at least once a week - But that has a lot to do with the loneliness. I think my family is really worried about me being here alone. Which at first was probably fair but actually I have seen my parents once a week for the last three weeks. Significantly more than a certain someone!
I mean, honestly, how do you not do anything for my birthday for THREE YEARS IN A ROW???? And how do I still put up with it? Well I guess it is a little like this: I realized a long time ago I settle for being treated less than I should probably because I have an obsessive need to see the good in people and believe they will grow. Additionally, he makes me feel very special and loved almost all of the time. So it is kind of like a trade off. I used to have extravagant, wonderful celebrations of any event that may need to be celebrated but on a day to day basis felt ... unappreciated. Now, I feel very lucky on an everyday level but get no extravagance...Ever.
School is not impossible. It is less than fun and it is more effort than I have put into anything in a long time. I think that is why I love it. I missed caring about something, and wanting to learn. I had been very wrapped up in the idea of just get through and get a job. Now I have something much better. And will also have a stable and hopefully fruitful career.
Ohio is still the worst state ever. I get a little teary at Pure Michigan commercials. I miss the mitten. But I make the best of it and have even made lots of friends. Shocking, I know. But, alas, Like always- it is time to study.