Jealousy
What do I do? I see you texting on the phone and it is some girl and immediately I feel 19 again and at any minute I will see a text about you and her after a shower, kissing, etc.
But I am not 19, you are not that person. That is no longer my life. And I know that. I know that you are the most amazing person. And I absolutely trust you. This isn't fair to you or our relationship. So what do I do? How do I get past this? So far it is with a lot of teeth gritting, fake smiles and later apologies. Because even when I try to hide how I am feeling I know he sees right through me. It is nice to have him know me so well but it makes me feel guilty because I don't want him to feel like I don't trust him. He has never done that to me.
In other aspects of life, jealousy is something that I have really been able to get past. Growing up, I was jealous of everyone. Girls were thinner, prettier, smarter. Friends had relationships that were stronger with other people. I didn't matter enough, I was never good enough, why couldn't I be like someone else? That is something that doesn't seem to matter so much. People have what they have. I can't be anything I am not - I can only do the things I can do with energy and enthusiasm. If it is not good enough for someone else then that is that. It wasn't always easy. When you love someone and they choose other people over you, it is hard. But now I don't keep close relationships with people that can't commit the same friendship to me. And for those people that can't give me more, well you are happy to take what you can get and let it go.
So we will see. On the one hand jealousy is normal, natural and healthy. But I have had the jealous relationship and I love that now I have the trust relationship. That's all I have for now.
But I am not 19, you are not that person. That is no longer my life. And I know that. I know that you are the most amazing person. And I absolutely trust you. This isn't fair to you or our relationship. So what do I do? How do I get past this? So far it is with a lot of teeth gritting, fake smiles and later apologies. Because even when I try to hide how I am feeling I know he sees right through me. It is nice to have him know me so well but it makes me feel guilty because I don't want him to feel like I don't trust him. He has never done that to me.
In other aspects of life, jealousy is something that I have really been able to get past. Growing up, I was jealous of everyone. Girls were thinner, prettier, smarter. Friends had relationships that were stronger with other people. I didn't matter enough, I was never good enough, why couldn't I be like someone else? That is something that doesn't seem to matter so much. People have what they have. I can't be anything I am not - I can only do the things I can do with energy and enthusiasm. If it is not good enough for someone else then that is that. It wasn't always easy. When you love someone and they choose other people over you, it is hard. But now I don't keep close relationships with people that can't commit the same friendship to me. And for those people that can't give me more, well you are happy to take what you can get and let it go.
So we will see. On the one hand jealousy is normal, natural and healthy. But I have had the jealous relationship and I love that now I have the trust relationship. That's all I have for now.