changing
By all accounts i have changed over the past year and not for the better according to the person i consider my best mate. although i hadnt seen it.
okay so i talk i like to drink and have a good time. okay perhaps i do go on about drinking and going to shows to much, but thats just me. i only kid most of the time when i say things, i thought my m8s would realise that. i didnt think they would actually think i was some kinda 'sad little alcoholic'. i thought they knew me better than that. obviously not. i dont drink all the time, i barely drink once a week. but when i do, i drink a fair bit i guess. nothing to the exteme of them being able to accuse me of being an alcoholic.
then it comes to the reason for my apparent change. i used to be a quiet and quite depressed person, i hated that person. i felt that the only time people took notice of me was when i was down, i felt all i did was moan and be upset. who wants to be like that? as my friend said 'People did love you before, when you have acted depressed or down, everyone has worried about you and have been willing to help' yes but i dont want people to only help me,its not nice just having people help me when i've been down. i always appreciated it but surely it must get annoying when your friend is constantly down or moaning. she then went on to say ' yet all you do is block people out. ' i block people out now because i dont want to upset them with my worries. if their happy in their lives or if they have enough on their plate already, then y bother them with my problems. its all been for their benefit not mine. why cant they just see that?
then theres this guy in college, that i like, we've kissed on a fair few occassions and ive only even considerd him to be after one thing.what else would you thinka guy was after that actually asked u for it (kidding and not)and then only really talks to u when ur both drinking. that was to begin with, but now recently we have started talking whilst in a sober state and i find i like him more than just someone to kiss now and then. but my friend has said 'You use Dave when you are drunk for attention and someone to get off with. Dave really liked you but you seem to be fucking him up. ' that's not at all true. i didnt get the impression he liked me until recently and since then we've been getting on well. anyway its not like he's so innocent, he flirts with other girls and stuff infront of me. thats what gave me the impression he wasnt that interested.
ow there is also the thing of me being a user towards my friends. i dont use people at all. there are alot of people within our group. i cant just stay with the same person day in day out im not that type of person i like to mingle with everyone. perhaps i get on better with some of them and hang out with them more, but its not to say i don't like the others. i just havent found i click aswell with the others. and the user thing, i can kind of see where that came from to an extent i can see why she may have said that from her point of view on one occasion. on the last day of college i was meant to be crashing at my m8s house. this m8 i kinda like alot. when we go out in the big group i often find that the two of us often end up together. on this one occasion mentioned before we hung around for a lot during the day, she was upset and i tried to cheer her up. not becuase i was staying at hers but because she was actually upset. however i can kinda see where my bessie got the whole using my m8 from. although my bessie just doesnt understand mine n my m8s relationship i guess.
i wish i had never got introduced to alcohol as its only the past year that my bessie and have moved apart. i know its not just me that has caused this split, she's not so the innocent party. but since she and her b/f got together i feel i have to schedule with her when we can hang out and stuff. she doesnt tell me anything but tells everyone else in the group. but ive tried not to make any big deal out of it. perhaps i shld have then things would have gone so far and i wouldnt have changed so much like i apparently have.
i dont know what to do now, should i just change become the unhappy person i used to be, or just continue as i am. a compromise perhaps i cld just stop going out with this group of friends, hang around with my other mates instead and perhaps stop drinking so much when i go out?i just dont know, i currently kinda like who i am, im not unhappy, i can meet new people easily and i have lots of fun. but obviously my bessie and some ot the others dont like who i am.
help!