(no subject)
Well, I don't even know why I'm updating this. It's not like A)I'm going to write anything worthwhile or B)It will matter to any of you... if there even is a "you" who is reading this. Umm. Fuck, I haven't updated since I went to Oregon, and that wasn't even an update. More of a notice. That wouldn't mean anything unless you knew prior that I was going. So then it was a reminder. Fuck. Well right now I'm kind of in a bad mood. Not really sure why, I think it's just because I've been really tired, a lot, lately, no matter how much I sleep. We'll see how this pans out tomorrow seeing as how I have a 3 or 4 hour Karate session starting at 3. Perhaps I should go to sleep soon to be sure I'm rested up for that. What else? School has been going well, I suppose. I really do not like my Biology class. I was never one for biological science and the only reason I'm taking it is because it fulfills a requirement. I'd much rather take Chemistry, but that's not a substitute and I've already fulfilled the Chem. requirement while in High School. I still remember cheating on that final. Regret? No. It wasn't an important class, at least not for my development. I think schools should offer Alchemy classes. Haha. That'd be great, right? No. Not very many people would appreciate it the way it's meant to be appreciated. I should read more on Alchemy, since it really interests me. Back to school. Right, I can't pay attention in my Bio class at all. Even if I genuinely try to, I find myself falling asleep or thinking of things completely unrelated to the science. Whatever. As long as I read the book (which I haven't yet), I'll be fine. There is a test coming up in that class in a week and a half. I'll start reading soon. The lab is really fun, though. There isn't much I feel like saying about it, just that I enjoy it a hell of a lot more than I enjoy the lecture. My Philosophy of Religion class annoyed the hell out of me the first few weeks. She would basically spend an entire class explaining one tenant of Philosophy. I don't like so sound conceited but honestly, I get the stuff she says the first time she says it and I don't need her to explain it over and over again like some of the other students may. However, it's started to pick up lately. We're actually discussing more about religion now, which is why I joined the class, so I'm happy. I wonder, sometimes, what the other students think of me. I look like a pretty anti-religious person with my Sargeist shirt (the logo has a fairly prominent inverted cross and "666" around it. Not uncommon at all in BM, but that shirt advertises it more than my others). I don't detract from that image since I don't really talk, yet. Eventually, I'll start to speak. I'm really not that anti-religions. I'm just really anti-religious people, since most people that follow religion without attempting to explore the esoteric/metaphorical/mystical aspects of it are, for lack of a better word, sheep. Not to say that they are all blind followers, but typically I find this to be true. Granted I've not spoken to every single Christian/Muslim/Jew in the world, but I'm willing to bet that a good chunk of them do not truly understand their religion past mindless recitals of their Church/Synagogue/Mosque teachings. I align myself with Satanism in the respects that they incorporate knowledge of the hypocrisies of followers of Judeo-christian religions into their religion but, there isn't much else I agree with. Oh yes, I've come a long way from the angry Satanist who roamed the halls of Culver City High School back in 9th/10th grade. Still, despite reading the wrong book on my way to enlightenment, I know for a fact that I had a much better grasp on the ideas which LaVey brought forth than the majority of people who have aligned themselves with that path. There is much more to it than meets the eye, if one follows it correctly. Unfortunately, it's overwhelming emphasis on the ego is where most people stop attempting to learn things and start acting as different and opposed as possible. I know Lucifer is the adversary and that ideal is an important part of Satanism but, if people are TRYING to be/look different without having a genuine and honest understanding of Satanism, then they are no better than those who TRY to be/look the way "God" wants them to without having a genuine and honest understanding of Xtianity. I don't know why I'm talking about that. I have not had much contemplation on Satanism since I renounced it some time ago. Haha, and I listen to Black Metal A LOT, too. Oh well. Orthodox Black Metal keeps "Satan" at bay, in some respects. Back to school. I have a project for PoR due October 5th. I have to find conflicted testimonies in the Bible, Talmuz and Koran, then try to see if it is logically possible to resolve the conflicts. Despite me being against Christianity (I know early I said I'm not anti-religious, but there are more religions out there than Christianity), I really have no desire to try to negate everything I possibly can. If I find a discrepancy that cannot be resolved, that's great. If I find one that can be resolved, that's great to. I'm secure enough in my beliefs to step outside of them and look at things I'm typically against in a non-biased light. Next class. German. I'm absolutely in love with that class. I love the language, I love the environment, I love the teaching method, etc. There is truly nothing about that class I do not enjoy. Well, at first I didn't like being called out in class to answer questions, but it's really a laid back class, so even if I do screw up, I have no reason to feel bad about it. I think I have convince Joey and Anthony to take the class too. That would be pretty cool. I've always thought it would be fun to be hanging around someone when we both know a language that other people around us probably don't. It'd be fun to just start talking in German whenever we are at a register or something, and see what the cashier's reaction is. So there really isn't much I can say about that class except that I really enjoy it. Does anyone else find it interesting that people can write lengthy descriptions of why they don't like something, but when they say they do like something, the explanation is considerably shorter? I'm sure there is some psychology to explain that. Probably something like people are more concerned and preoccupied with allowing themselves to be bothered with negative things than they are with allowing themselves to be enveloped in positive things. I'll let you all know in 10 years, when I have my Ph.D. Dr. Levine. It has a nice ring to it. Don't worry though, I'm not pretentious enough to make everyone I know call me Doctor. By the time I acquire the title, I'm sure I'll still want to keep it as an office-only title, if even that. I've become much more humble, by the way. What else has been going on? Well, I suppose if I really want to do an update, then I can't leave it without one of the more important events that didn't even happen to me, but I was affected by, ultimately in the positive. Sarah found herself a boyfriend with whom she is enamored. It goes without saying that at first I was extremely upset by it. I said some things I should not have and felt some ways which should have been abandoned many moons ago. However, ultimately, with the help of the Oregonian adventure, I've shed most, if not all, of my negative aspects and have become a much better, and overall happier person. Granted it has taken a while to be rid of a lot of my feelings, which all admit are all but gone, I don't think I would have learned had it happened any other way. So in the end, I very happy for Sarah, that she has found someone whom she feels so strongly for. She's still my bestfriend, and I see no reason to change that, and nor does she. However, for reasons that I don't need to get into right now, I do not like her boyfriend at all. I do not doubt he is good to her and as such have no qualm with her being happy with him. I just, personally, do not like him, for honest reasons. However, I am not bothered too much by it, so long as he keeps his comments to himself. I try not to, but I admit that I can get angry about the things he says, mainly because he can be extremely childish, but I understand his reasons for, and as a result hold no ill-wishes toward him, and especially not toward their relationship. That's done. Oh, the last thing that is pretty important. The other day on the shuttle to school, I saw a woman lying dead in the street. She had just been hit by a car and her lifeless body was bleeding from the head while lying. Though I know that was not the worst thing I could have seen, it made me realize something about my feelings toward others. All the times I have said that I hate the common man, I meant it. I was absolutely serious that I find most of you (not those reading this, but a general "you" referring to the population of the world) disgusting, stupid, egotistical, etc. However, my reasons for hating all these people truly made itself known to me after I saw her. I hate you all because of a deep, unwavering compassion for every single one of you. I hate you because you all have so much potential, so much you can do with your lives, and yet I see squandering. I see people wasting their lives in front of television, searching for the next Golden Calf to worship. I see people so involved with what society expects from them that they forget what they expect from themselves and abandon ambition, love, happiness, etc., all in the name of the next trend, looking cool, being accepted by a mass society and marketing campaign that they'll never realize cares absolutely nothing for them. I see you all trying to be something you are not, and ruining your lives because of it. Honestly, I'm starting to believe the book Fight Club should be included in religious sermons. It may give an overwhelmingly doomy perspective on society but, when you take into account all the things it tells you by not saying them directly, it can make you realize the stupidity of the market of which millions find themselves a part of. Anyway, seeing that dead woman made me realize how these things make you all so stupid. Life gives you some pretty basic rules to follow, and your body does not ask that much of you in order to keep it healthy. Yet you all still smoke cigarettes, eat fast food, do harmful drugs and generally don't take care of yourselves. After I saw the dead woman, I wanted to scream at everyone I saw at school smoking a cigarette. Yeah, yeah, yeah I know, it won't necessarily kill you but, if you know it's not healthy, why do it? Also, I know I used to smoke, but I learned not to. Fuck, I can't even think straight. I'm tired but I want to keep writing my thoughts on this, even though they may not completely make sense. What really pisses me off is that it's not enough for you people to just listen to your bodies. Society has given you some pretty basic rules as well. One of which is to not jaywalk. This lady was far enough away from a corner that it was obvious she was jaywalking when she got hit. However, she was probably 50 feet from an intersection with a crosswalk. I guarantee you all that there is very little in this world that cannot wait the extra 2 minutes it would take to ensure your safety. -Sigh-. It also made me realize something about religion. How much you all need it. If you did not have your idea of God, with its laws and its covenant, you would run around like chickens with your heads cut off. It's truly sad that so many of you need that in order to survive. I've exhausted myself on this topic. I'm spent. You all know my screenname if you have something you want to say to me about any of this. For now though, I'm done. I suppose I was wrong when I said there would be nothing worthwhile written in this journal. Whatever. I've been wrong before and I'll be wrong again. That goes for everything I've mentioned in this entire thing. Cheers.