life in general
So the parents suck and stuff. this was bound to happen but it's kinda shit when it actually does.
life seems to enjoy shitting on me at the moment. haha. if i think about stuff, this year has been the best yet shittest year ever.
so many changes.... if i think about the shit things, yeah.. i dunno. but if i think about the good things too. and so many of them have come from the shit things.
my life was so standard before. so predicatable. i knew. i knew what was going to happen. no fucking variables. totally eliminated them. full time job, full time boy, full time life. full of nothing. full of repetition, system and cycle. all in place to bring safety, to make me feel secure. and only after i've lost all of that do i realise that it was just an illusion created by a feeble mind which is too small, too ignorant or too afraid to comprehend the reality of the situation... fuckall matters. everything i placed importance on was fabricated by myself to make me feel cosy and warm. take it away and that's all it was. meaningless peripheral shit that meant too much to me.
now that i've figured out that i really don't matter in the scheme of things, i can actually be myself. i didn't mean to strip this all away. i lost it. all of it. and suddenly, i feel free. everything i had put around me to keep me secure was suffocating me. it doesn't matter what happens now. i'm not saying this is a negative thing. i have no expectations, no time frame, no limits, no framework. i'm just seeing where these changes will take me. hopefully that's to a more positive place. and if not, then maybe i'll learn from whatever is in store.
i'm not happy, not sad... not expecting anything.
but for once in my life, i truly am curious.
xo
life seems to enjoy shitting on me at the moment. haha. if i think about stuff, this year has been the best yet shittest year ever.
so many changes.... if i think about the shit things, yeah.. i dunno. but if i think about the good things too. and so many of them have come from the shit things.
my life was so standard before. so predicatable. i knew. i knew what was going to happen. no fucking variables. totally eliminated them. full time job, full time boy, full time life. full of nothing. full of repetition, system and cycle. all in place to bring safety, to make me feel secure. and only after i've lost all of that do i realise that it was just an illusion created by a feeble mind which is too small, too ignorant or too afraid to comprehend the reality of the situation... fuckall matters. everything i placed importance on was fabricated by myself to make me feel cosy and warm. take it away and that's all it was. meaningless peripheral shit that meant too much to me.
now that i've figured out that i really don't matter in the scheme of things, i can actually be myself. i didn't mean to strip this all away. i lost it. all of it. and suddenly, i feel free. everything i had put around me to keep me secure was suffocating me. it doesn't matter what happens now. i'm not saying this is a negative thing. i have no expectations, no time frame, no limits, no framework. i'm just seeing where these changes will take me. hopefully that's to a more positive place. and if not, then maybe i'll learn from whatever is in store.
i'm not happy, not sad... not expecting anything.
but for once in my life, i truly am curious.
xo