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Jan 28, 2007 19:43

I just want everything to stay away from me. I can't take it. It's like I'm going to explode. I have not been so close to killing myself in almost 3 years. I don't understand. I don't understand ( Read more... )

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greg_teh_great January 29 2007, 17:44:32 UTC
Jess.... I know I don't fully understand the magnitude of this Hell you're living in, I know we aren't exactly best of friends, and, yes, I know that I don't hold the key to your happiness. The truth of it is, Jess, is that you hold the key to your own happiness. I wish you wouldn't call yourself a whore or a monster these multitudes of other things I hate to know run through your mind and heart.

If concidering yourself a whoreish monster was a bullet to the brain, then it would take twenty nukes to even phaze me. I don't know what it is... I just tend to toss a mental coin or so-to-speak and do what feels right. My life is not a Hell. I may not ever fully understand why people put themselves in this situation.

You are not the only one who thinks like this, Jess. Another friend of mine, who I hold very dear, has been having similar thoughts run through her mind. When I say similar, I mean almost to the key specifics(she, too, had a 'Devin' far away). Only difference is, she doesn't even write these type of journals to let those who care about her know what she's going through. I had to practically lock her in my car to get her to talk to me. By the end of the conversation I made her promise me not to commit suicide. I had to essentially force her to say it. It was scary... knowing that my friend was so troubled that she thought about ending it.

My life is by no means a paradise, but when placed next to Hell it could be considered one. It sucks--being on paradise while who many people around me live through Hell. Even my girlfriend is having a few problems (she found out she is border-line diabetic, on top of some specifics I won't get into).

I want you to promise me you won't commit suicide, Jess. I want you to say it and mean it. Mean it to me--mean it to yourself, because there is no point to make a promise you are not willing to keep yourself. It sounds silly to say... Yes, I know. But if you can manage to make such a promise, then you have the strength to move on until the bad has disappeared.

Promise me I'll see you agian? =/

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