To Belong
Title: To Belong
Pairing: Joel/Benjiamin
Rating: NC17
Summary: There is knowledge in the flesh, memories and touches to comfort, guide, love. I committed your breath to my memory… beauty in perfect shattered heartbeats.
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction, not written for profit. All the events hereby described are of fictional nature and the author claims no connection with any member of Good Charlotte or their families and friends. No harm or slander was intended with this work of fiction.
Author's notes: This is a very, very old piece of mine. Please forgive the crappiness.
“Fuck! This room is HUGE!!!"
He makes me laugh. All the time. Even now, after all those hotels, after all the travelling and the money, he still retains this childish fascination for everything flashy and big.
I close the door behind us and he is still looking around, eyes soft and sparkling.
He truly is beautiful.
I have to tell him.
"Ben…"
"Man look at the size of this motherfucking bathroom!"
Guess I have to save that for later.
"Ben is a hotel room. It’s nice, don’t get me wrong, but you can’t get this excited about a hotel room."
I take out my jacket, throwing it on the nearby, overstuffed armchair, my back is turned but I can hear him rummaging through the free samples of the hotel. I don’t know how many bottles of mini shampoo he owns… not that he’s gonna use it anyway, I think last time he has washed his hair was 10 days ago. But you see? I don’t mind, I really don’t. I love him so much that I don’t care that I can’t run my fingers through his hair cause of the grease and the glue. I don’t care that he perpetually smells of sweat and sex.
I love it.
He bears my scent, our scent, upon his skin and the simple idea makes me warm, in a way that has everything and nothing to do with sex.
"Joel…"
I turn to see him looking at me with hooded eyes, his voice low and almost fearful.
"Yeah?"
"Joel are you tired of all of this? Tired of touring, travelling… tired of me?"
He sounds like the 8 years old Benji of my childhood, not the 24 years old Ben I am so fucking desperately in love with.
And it breaks my heart.
“NO! Of course no Ben, why are you asking me questions like that?"
“Call me a fucking pansy, but you sounded so jaded, so bored before! I am sorry if I act like a fucking 8 years old, but sometimes I still can’t believe that we can afford places like this and we are not gonna sleep on someone’ else couch!"
I made him unhappy, insecure. I am a fucker.
"Ben… Ben listen, I am sorry, I didn’t mean to bitch and I love when you get all excited. I love you. It’s just that I am a little tired and it’s 7 days to Christmas and I wanna go home and spend time with you. Just you and me. Behind closed doors, talking and being with each other… I want to go home with you, I wanna sleep in our bed, I wanna our bathroom, with your toothbrush and my razor. I wanna hold you while we are having breakfast in our kitchen and kiss you till you beg for air. I wanna be with you and you only."
My voice is ragged all of a sudden and I feel, for the first time in months, how tired I am and how much I miss home, how much I miss our being with each other, not only being together.
He moves quickly toward me, his arms folding around me with the gentleness and expertise of a million of embraces before, but my heart still jumps in my throat and his breath ghosting on my neck makes my skin so warm.
"Joel… I am with you. Always. I will never never leave. You are my home. This is my home. Being here with you. With you."
He presses the barest of kisses on my neck, still holding me, his voice sinking in my skin, slowly warming this winter spent on aeroplanes and countless hotels rooms, dissipating the fear I didn’t know I was feeling.
"We’ll be back in 3 days and I will buy you the biggest fucking tree and Cash will eat tons of pines needles and be sick on the carpet. And I will drink chocolate with you and wrap fairy lights all around our bed and watch you sleep and wake you up making love to you…"
I hold him more tightly and run my cold hands under his tick jumper, he shivers but doesn’t pull away, he is still murmuring something, but I can’t grasp the words, all I can feel is his soft, hot breath on my neck. He keeps whispering, his mouth pressed to my ear, words almost lost in the hot, wet tongue lapping, oh so sweetly, at my lobe.
"Joel… baby… I love you. I love you… you are my forever."
Is in moments like this that I can’t possibly question if what we have is actually right or wrong. In moments like this I know, with absolute clarity, that I would walk through hell for him and if I am already damned, so be it.
I move my head slightly to look at his eyes; I want to breathe him in, all of him.
"Ben… my fucking beautiful Ben…"
I kiss the corner of his mouth, I kiss the delicate skin at the bridge of his nose, I breathe over his dark eyelashes and he closes his eyes. I am in his arms and no other place can compare to this.
I brush my nose against his, soft Eskimo kisses, like we used to do when we were children, my hands tracing his name, over and over, on the skin of his back. He shivers a little, his arms sneaking around my neck, drawing me closer, pulling me flushed against his body.
"Joel… god… Baby kiss me…"
And I comply. I press my lips to his mouth in one fluid movement and I can feel him open under me, his jaw slack, the tip of his tongue teasing the ridge of my teeth and then all I can feel is hot and wet and familiar. His taste swirls in my mouth with his warm spit and I breathe him in my lungs, I breathe him in my soul and my body is on fire. Alight.
I keep plundering his sweet mouth, my tongue lazily stroking his and it’s so warm and wet and perfect.
I can’t get enough of him.
Never.
I cup his beloved face in my hands, making him looking at me. His eyes are a luscious brown, fogged with need and love. For me. Me. I’m blessed. I know I am.
"Ben… my… my beautiful. My one and fucking only…"
I re-attack his mouth almost violently and he whimpers, a sound that struck me like a bolt of lightning and my body is on fire more and more and more.
"I want you so badly baby…"
I swipe my tongue around the soft, pink shell of his ear, breathing heavily and he hasn’t even touched me yet.
"Than take me. Now. I am yours. Always been. Always will."
"Fuck Ben… I love you… I love you…"
I am feverish.
I am insane.
I am in love.
With him.
Forever.
There is no other. I want no other. I am his. It’s a bond stronger than blood, stronger than love.
I pull him even closer, rolling my hips against his and he mewls… there is no other word for it and it makes me harder than I thought I could possibly be.
"Ben… Ben… take this fucking jumper off…"
We disentangle from each other and his jumper is discarded on the floor in a matter of seconds. I move toward the bed still holding on him, licking his collarbone, biting softly; one hand pulling at his belt, the other in his hair, fingers playing with the short strands. I stop at the edge of the bed and sit down, pulling him on my lap, still nipping the soft flesh at the hollow of his throat, licking the flames of his tattoo, sucking on his Adam apple. He is panting slightly, the skin on his back already slick with sweat, he moves closer to me, locking his legs behind my waist, grinding his ass over my cock and it’s a pain so fucking sweet that it’s my turn to mewl.
"Baby… fuck… I love you, you are so hot. So. Fucking. Hot."
He laughs, a breathy chuckle and bends his head to whisper in my mouth, noses touching.
"More actions, less talking Madden…"
"Yes sir!"
I cup his ass through his trousers, squeezing and he arches his body, strong muscles flexing under his precious skin.
He is so beautiful, he leaves me without words.
I lick my way down his body, leaving red marks around his right nipple, biting the tender flesh till he’s sobbing my name over and over and I lick the injured flesh with lazy strokes, soothing and teasing at the same time.
I hold his body and I know that I hold all of him, his soul, his heart, his life and I wonder if I deserve this; if his absolute trust, his devotion, his love are matched by my worthiness.
I can’t help thinking that I can’t possibly be good enough for him, I can’t possibly be what he truly wants, but he is here with me and keeps telling me he loves me, keeps coming to me, keeps sleeping in my arms, keeps opening his body under my unholy hands and give me everything he is and more.
We are two in an impossible answer to why not one.
I am the negative number.
I am the shadow.
I am the one who wasn’t supposed to be but couldn’t leave him there alone.
Can’t leave him here alone.
"Joel… baby. Look at me…"
I snap out of it, having not realised that I had stopped touching him, my mouth pressed against his heart.
The skin so warm, under my papery lips.
"Joel… what’s wrong?"
How can I possibly answer him without tell him that I am afraid to lose him cause I love him too much? How can I tell him without sounding completely stupid? I can’t.
I decide to kiss him again instead, kiss him deeply, my mouth roaming over his burning lips, tugging at his rings, making him moan softly, making his hands pull at my shirt, trying to undress me, trying to get closer to my skin.
"Joel… Joel..."
I can’t stop now, I can’t lose him; I can’t bring words to my mouth or I will cry. I just want to hold him, make love to him, feel him real and warm in my arms.
" I want you…"
"Forever…"
"I am yours…"
I don’t really know who’s talking, it could be me, but his voice mingles with mine in his mouth and I don’t want to understand where I finish and he begins.
I have never been this frantic, this scared, not even the first time we had sex, when we were nothing but teenagers, confused, desperate, drunk and in love.
I can’t get enough of his kisses, his wet, soft lips, on mine. This is the most intimate of touches, more than when I am inside of him, more than anything; I want to breathe the air from his mouth, I want to feel him being alive with all my body.
"I love you Ben…"
He pushes the shirt of my shoulders and for a split second I wonder when did he manage to unfasten the buttons, but then his mouth presses against my pulse, sucking none too gently and I forget everything except the blood surging toward the surface of my skin, drawn by his lips, his tongue soothing the red welt.
"That will leave a mark…"
"Good… I-I want everyone to know you are mine…"
"You are mine…"
"Mine…"
Did you ever want something, someone so much you are physically in pain if you can’t have it? If you can’t touch it?
That’s how it is with him.
Always.
We are naked from the waist up and my chest moulds against him, flesh fusing together, his sweat seeping into my pores, I am taking all from him. I want all from him. I need all from him.
His mouth travels from my neck across my shoulder, sucking on my tendons, the muscle quivering, tensing up when he bites the soft flesh, over and over, till it burns, till it hurts, till I want him to do it again so it can bleed and I can cry out his name and he can cradle me in his arms.
My hands are cupping his ass, thumbs hooked in his belt loops, fingers splayed, massaging him through the fabric. He grinds down on my lap, pushing against my cock and he’s so impossibly beautiful like this that I can’t think, I can’t speak, I just feel.
"Joel… Joely… baby… FUCK ME…"
He stands up and I whimper, shamelessly, as his warmth leaves me, I look up at him and he is my fucking God and I don’t care about anything else but him. I don’t care. I don’t. He takes off his trousers and slips his boxers down in one go and then he’s naked, gloriously so. Bright tattoos and sinfully beautiful flesh.
He moves back towards me, pushes me down the bed and I, ungracefully, fall back, my hands empty without his body to hold. I close my eyes and I just let him take off my shoes, my socks, pull at my belt, undo the fastening of my trousers and take off them. I let him undress me; I let him touch me, his hands grasping my ankles, feeling the skin heating up under his fingertips. I pull my head up cause I need to see him; I need to see his eyes, to read his expression.
"Joel… "
That’s all he says before he takes me in his mouth. I fall back onto the bed, the comforter crisp and impersonal, a sharp contrast with the familiarity of his mouth on my cock, sucking softly and then releasing me with a soft popping sound, his tongue travelling the heated flesh, pushing gently against the engorged vein.
I am panting; air thick as molasses in my lungs, his mouth is the pulsating centre of my universe and if he stops now I am going to splinter from the inside. He caresses my balls with one hand, the other keeping my hips still, resuming his sucking with a slow pace that is driving me undoubtedly insane.
"Ben… God… Ben… Ben, more, more baby…Aaah"
He ignores my pleas completely, keeping it soft and slow, his tongue pressed against my slit, lapping at my precum, swirling around the head, his hand still fondling my balls. I am quivering and shivering and I need release, but I know he won’t grant me that and I know that I want to be inside him when I do.
I want to touch him but he is kneeling too far way, I can barely brush his hair, but, I swear, the mere contact burns my fingers, makes me even more breathless and I am drowning and he has taken me deep in his throat and I can’t… I can’t take it and I think I am screaming his name and I think I am dying and I am so close…so close…
"No yet baby… not yet… I want you too much…I need you too much…Fuck me baby. Fuck me blind…"
He climbs on the bed, straddling me, pushing me up, towards the pillows, till my back is against the headboard and he looks at me with his lusty, burning brown eyes.
"I wanna ride you…"
I put my hands around his waist, pulling him on my lap, my fingers mapping the strong planes of his back, up and down, slowly and deliberately. He is kissing me again, his mouth devouring me.
"You have no idea how beautiful you are… How fucking much I love you…"
He kisses my temple, tracing my hairline with his fingers, his eyes a study in concentration and I feel him moving, carefully, over my cock. I stop him, holding him still.
"Baby, no… not like this… it’ll hurt too much… too much…"
I could go over the bathroom and get some lotion or just rummage in our suitcase, but I can’t move, I can’t leave him and I want him too much. Too much.
"I don’t care Joel… I don’t care… I want you… I need you…"
I caress his face, shaking my head; I would never hurt him, never. Cause this is so much more than sex, so much more than love. He is my life. My blood. My soul.
I live on the verge of his breath and I will never hurt him.
Ever.
I suck two fingers in my mouth, but he takes them and pushes them in his, slowly coating them with his spit, the rough side of his tongue rubbing at my fingertips. I press them against his opening, gently rubbing him and then pushing first one than the other inside; his eyes stay on my face, his mouth slightly open, panting and there is a look of absolute trust in his face, of absolute beauty and love.
I move my fingers inside him, opening him up, scissoring them back and forth, his eyes cloud with lust once again and his head falls back when I push against his prostate and he sobs my name.
"Joely…please baby…"
I hold him up, he moves his hands to my shoulder and then I lower him over my cock, slowly, carefully, because I don’t want to hurt him, I could never hurt him.
"Ben… I love you so much, so much…"
He gasps and moans, his eyes fall shut and I push all the way in. Do you know how beautiful he is? How incredible he is?
This is perfection.
This is unity.
This is the impossible one made of two.
I rock slowly, barely moving, I want to feel him around me, caressing me with all his body. His arms move to wrap around my neck and he pushes himself up and then slowly down, rippling around me with a sensuous grace and I am lost.
This is us.
Us.
Benjiamin and me.
And we are together.
I touch his soul and the flames of his love burn my flesh and we make love. We make. We create a reality made of our flesh, our bones and our souls. It’s slow and languid today, there are no shouts and no profanities, just his breath laboured and heavy against my mouth and the beating of his heart against my chest and his body, slick, hot, perfect, moving around me and I feel all that is him.
I pulse inside his body and I push my hips up to help him, to feel more of him. Sweat shimmers on his face, his mouth open like a flower, his rings glinting dully under the artificial light. I kiss him again and one of my hands wraps around his flank, helping him, while the other circles his cock, stroking him firmly.
"Joel… More more more more more… Please…"
"I have you... I have you… cum… now baby…now…"
And as he comes with my name on his lips, I push into him one more time shaking with exertion, my eyes drinking the beauty that is my brother coming, keening my name over and over and my orgasm hits me and all I know is him, all I want is him and I have him. His head rests on my shoulder, his body still trembling seems so much more fragile in my arms and I truly am amazed by his grace, by his beauty and by the fact that he wants me, that I am the one who can see him like this.
I try to move and lay him down on the bed, but he won’t let me, he holds on me tightly, showering tiny kisses on my neck, murmuring something that I can’t grasp.
”Ben…"
"Shhh… I love you... I love you… I just want to breathe you… want to keep you inside of me. You are my unity, my strength, you are beauty and purity… you are my brother and my lover… I am because of you…"
I don’t say a word, I burrow my face in his neck and tremble, my happiness silent and complete.
I am not afraid.
I am in his arms.
I am home.
Pairing: Joel/Benjiamin
Rating: NC17
Summary: There is knowledge in the flesh, memories and touches to comfort, guide, love. I committed your breath to my memory… beauty in perfect shattered heartbeats.
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction, not written for profit. All the events hereby described are of fictional nature and the author claims no connection with any member of Good Charlotte or their families and friends. No harm or slander was intended with this work of fiction.
Author's notes: This is a very, very old piece of mine. Please forgive the crappiness.
“Fuck! This room is HUGE!!!"
He makes me laugh. All the time. Even now, after all those hotels, after all the travelling and the money, he still retains this childish fascination for everything flashy and big.
I close the door behind us and he is still looking around, eyes soft and sparkling.
He truly is beautiful.
I have to tell him.
"Ben…"
"Man look at the size of this motherfucking bathroom!"
Guess I have to save that for later.
"Ben is a hotel room. It’s nice, don’t get me wrong, but you can’t get this excited about a hotel room."
I take out my jacket, throwing it on the nearby, overstuffed armchair, my back is turned but I can hear him rummaging through the free samples of the hotel. I don’t know how many bottles of mini shampoo he owns… not that he’s gonna use it anyway, I think last time he has washed his hair was 10 days ago. But you see? I don’t mind, I really don’t. I love him so much that I don’t care that I can’t run my fingers through his hair cause of the grease and the glue. I don’t care that he perpetually smells of sweat and sex.
I love it.
He bears my scent, our scent, upon his skin and the simple idea makes me warm, in a way that has everything and nothing to do with sex.
"Joel…"
I turn to see him looking at me with hooded eyes, his voice low and almost fearful.
"Yeah?"
"Joel are you tired of all of this? Tired of touring, travelling… tired of me?"
He sounds like the 8 years old Benji of my childhood, not the 24 years old Ben I am so fucking desperately in love with.
And it breaks my heart.
“NO! Of course no Ben, why are you asking me questions like that?"
“Call me a fucking pansy, but you sounded so jaded, so bored before! I am sorry if I act like a fucking 8 years old, but sometimes I still can’t believe that we can afford places like this and we are not gonna sleep on someone’ else couch!"
I made him unhappy, insecure. I am a fucker.
"Ben… Ben listen, I am sorry, I didn’t mean to bitch and I love when you get all excited. I love you. It’s just that I am a little tired and it’s 7 days to Christmas and I wanna go home and spend time with you. Just you and me. Behind closed doors, talking and being with each other… I want to go home with you, I wanna sleep in our bed, I wanna our bathroom, with your toothbrush and my razor. I wanna hold you while we are having breakfast in our kitchen and kiss you till you beg for air. I wanna be with you and you only."
My voice is ragged all of a sudden and I feel, for the first time in months, how tired I am and how much I miss home, how much I miss our being with each other, not only being together.
He moves quickly toward me, his arms folding around me with the gentleness and expertise of a million of embraces before, but my heart still jumps in my throat and his breath ghosting on my neck makes my skin so warm.
"Joel… I am with you. Always. I will never never leave. You are my home. This is my home. Being here with you. With you."
He presses the barest of kisses on my neck, still holding me, his voice sinking in my skin, slowly warming this winter spent on aeroplanes and countless hotels rooms, dissipating the fear I didn’t know I was feeling.
"We’ll be back in 3 days and I will buy you the biggest fucking tree and Cash will eat tons of pines needles and be sick on the carpet. And I will drink chocolate with you and wrap fairy lights all around our bed and watch you sleep and wake you up making love to you…"
I hold him more tightly and run my cold hands under his tick jumper, he shivers but doesn’t pull away, he is still murmuring something, but I can’t grasp the words, all I can feel is his soft, hot breath on my neck. He keeps whispering, his mouth pressed to my ear, words almost lost in the hot, wet tongue lapping, oh so sweetly, at my lobe.
"Joel… baby… I love you. I love you… you are my forever."
Is in moments like this that I can’t possibly question if what we have is actually right or wrong. In moments like this I know, with absolute clarity, that I would walk through hell for him and if I am already damned, so be it.
I move my head slightly to look at his eyes; I want to breathe him in, all of him.
"Ben… my fucking beautiful Ben…"
I kiss the corner of his mouth, I kiss the delicate skin at the bridge of his nose, I breathe over his dark eyelashes and he closes his eyes. I am in his arms and no other place can compare to this.
I brush my nose against his, soft Eskimo kisses, like we used to do when we were children, my hands tracing his name, over and over, on the skin of his back. He shivers a little, his arms sneaking around my neck, drawing me closer, pulling me flushed against his body.
"Joel… god… Baby kiss me…"
And I comply. I press my lips to his mouth in one fluid movement and I can feel him open under me, his jaw slack, the tip of his tongue teasing the ridge of my teeth and then all I can feel is hot and wet and familiar. His taste swirls in my mouth with his warm spit and I breathe him in my lungs, I breathe him in my soul and my body is on fire. Alight.
I keep plundering his sweet mouth, my tongue lazily stroking his and it’s so warm and wet and perfect.
I can’t get enough of him.
Never.
I cup his beloved face in my hands, making him looking at me. His eyes are a luscious brown, fogged with need and love. For me. Me. I’m blessed. I know I am.
"Ben… my… my beautiful. My one and fucking only…"
I re-attack his mouth almost violently and he whimpers, a sound that struck me like a bolt of lightning and my body is on fire more and more and more.
"I want you so badly baby…"
I swipe my tongue around the soft, pink shell of his ear, breathing heavily and he hasn’t even touched me yet.
"Than take me. Now. I am yours. Always been. Always will."
"Fuck Ben… I love you… I love you…"
I am feverish.
I am insane.
I am in love.
With him.
Forever.
There is no other. I want no other. I am his. It’s a bond stronger than blood, stronger than love.
I pull him even closer, rolling my hips against his and he mewls… there is no other word for it and it makes me harder than I thought I could possibly be.
"Ben… Ben… take this fucking jumper off…"
We disentangle from each other and his jumper is discarded on the floor in a matter of seconds. I move toward the bed still holding on him, licking his collarbone, biting softly; one hand pulling at his belt, the other in his hair, fingers playing with the short strands. I stop at the edge of the bed and sit down, pulling him on my lap, still nipping the soft flesh at the hollow of his throat, licking the flames of his tattoo, sucking on his Adam apple. He is panting slightly, the skin on his back already slick with sweat, he moves closer to me, locking his legs behind my waist, grinding his ass over my cock and it’s a pain so fucking sweet that it’s my turn to mewl.
"Baby… fuck… I love you, you are so hot. So. Fucking. Hot."
He laughs, a breathy chuckle and bends his head to whisper in my mouth, noses touching.
"More actions, less talking Madden…"
"Yes sir!"
I cup his ass through his trousers, squeezing and he arches his body, strong muscles flexing under his precious skin.
He is so beautiful, he leaves me without words.
I lick my way down his body, leaving red marks around his right nipple, biting the tender flesh till he’s sobbing my name over and over and I lick the injured flesh with lazy strokes, soothing and teasing at the same time.
I hold his body and I know that I hold all of him, his soul, his heart, his life and I wonder if I deserve this; if his absolute trust, his devotion, his love are matched by my worthiness.
I can’t help thinking that I can’t possibly be good enough for him, I can’t possibly be what he truly wants, but he is here with me and keeps telling me he loves me, keeps coming to me, keeps sleeping in my arms, keeps opening his body under my unholy hands and give me everything he is and more.
We are two in an impossible answer to why not one.
I am the negative number.
I am the shadow.
I am the one who wasn’t supposed to be but couldn’t leave him there alone.
Can’t leave him here alone.
"Joel… baby. Look at me…"
I snap out of it, having not realised that I had stopped touching him, my mouth pressed against his heart.
The skin so warm, under my papery lips.
"Joel… what’s wrong?"
How can I possibly answer him without tell him that I am afraid to lose him cause I love him too much? How can I tell him without sounding completely stupid? I can’t.
I decide to kiss him again instead, kiss him deeply, my mouth roaming over his burning lips, tugging at his rings, making him moan softly, making his hands pull at my shirt, trying to undress me, trying to get closer to my skin.
"Joel… Joel..."
I can’t stop now, I can’t lose him; I can’t bring words to my mouth or I will cry. I just want to hold him, make love to him, feel him real and warm in my arms.
" I want you…"
"Forever…"
"I am yours…"
I don’t really know who’s talking, it could be me, but his voice mingles with mine in his mouth and I don’t want to understand where I finish and he begins.
I have never been this frantic, this scared, not even the first time we had sex, when we were nothing but teenagers, confused, desperate, drunk and in love.
I can’t get enough of his kisses, his wet, soft lips, on mine. This is the most intimate of touches, more than when I am inside of him, more than anything; I want to breathe the air from his mouth, I want to feel him being alive with all my body.
"I love you Ben…"
He pushes the shirt of my shoulders and for a split second I wonder when did he manage to unfasten the buttons, but then his mouth presses against my pulse, sucking none too gently and I forget everything except the blood surging toward the surface of my skin, drawn by his lips, his tongue soothing the red welt.
"That will leave a mark…"
"Good… I-I want everyone to know you are mine…"
"You are mine…"
"Mine…"
Did you ever want something, someone so much you are physically in pain if you can’t have it? If you can’t touch it?
That’s how it is with him.
Always.
We are naked from the waist up and my chest moulds against him, flesh fusing together, his sweat seeping into my pores, I am taking all from him. I want all from him. I need all from him.
His mouth travels from my neck across my shoulder, sucking on my tendons, the muscle quivering, tensing up when he bites the soft flesh, over and over, till it burns, till it hurts, till I want him to do it again so it can bleed and I can cry out his name and he can cradle me in his arms.
My hands are cupping his ass, thumbs hooked in his belt loops, fingers splayed, massaging him through the fabric. He grinds down on my lap, pushing against my cock and he’s so impossibly beautiful like this that I can’t think, I can’t speak, I just feel.
"Joel… Joely… baby… FUCK ME…"
He stands up and I whimper, shamelessly, as his warmth leaves me, I look up at him and he is my fucking God and I don’t care about anything else but him. I don’t care. I don’t. He takes off his trousers and slips his boxers down in one go and then he’s naked, gloriously so. Bright tattoos and sinfully beautiful flesh.
He moves back towards me, pushes me down the bed and I, ungracefully, fall back, my hands empty without his body to hold. I close my eyes and I just let him take off my shoes, my socks, pull at my belt, undo the fastening of my trousers and take off them. I let him undress me; I let him touch me, his hands grasping my ankles, feeling the skin heating up under his fingertips. I pull my head up cause I need to see him; I need to see his eyes, to read his expression.
"Joel… "
That’s all he says before he takes me in his mouth. I fall back onto the bed, the comforter crisp and impersonal, a sharp contrast with the familiarity of his mouth on my cock, sucking softly and then releasing me with a soft popping sound, his tongue travelling the heated flesh, pushing gently against the engorged vein.
I am panting; air thick as molasses in my lungs, his mouth is the pulsating centre of my universe and if he stops now I am going to splinter from the inside. He caresses my balls with one hand, the other keeping my hips still, resuming his sucking with a slow pace that is driving me undoubtedly insane.
"Ben… God… Ben… Ben, more, more baby…Aaah"
He ignores my pleas completely, keeping it soft and slow, his tongue pressed against my slit, lapping at my precum, swirling around the head, his hand still fondling my balls. I am quivering and shivering and I need release, but I know he won’t grant me that and I know that I want to be inside him when I do.
I want to touch him but he is kneeling too far way, I can barely brush his hair, but, I swear, the mere contact burns my fingers, makes me even more breathless and I am drowning and he has taken me deep in his throat and I can’t… I can’t take it and I think I am screaming his name and I think I am dying and I am so close…so close…
"No yet baby… not yet… I want you too much…I need you too much…Fuck me baby. Fuck me blind…"
He climbs on the bed, straddling me, pushing me up, towards the pillows, till my back is against the headboard and he looks at me with his lusty, burning brown eyes.
"I wanna ride you…"
I put my hands around his waist, pulling him on my lap, my fingers mapping the strong planes of his back, up and down, slowly and deliberately. He is kissing me again, his mouth devouring me.
"You have no idea how beautiful you are… How fucking much I love you…"
He kisses my temple, tracing my hairline with his fingers, his eyes a study in concentration and I feel him moving, carefully, over my cock. I stop him, holding him still.
"Baby, no… not like this… it’ll hurt too much… too much…"
I could go over the bathroom and get some lotion or just rummage in our suitcase, but I can’t move, I can’t leave him and I want him too much. Too much.
"I don’t care Joel… I don’t care… I want you… I need you…"
I caress his face, shaking my head; I would never hurt him, never. Cause this is so much more than sex, so much more than love. He is my life. My blood. My soul.
I live on the verge of his breath and I will never hurt him.
Ever.
I suck two fingers in my mouth, but he takes them and pushes them in his, slowly coating them with his spit, the rough side of his tongue rubbing at my fingertips. I press them against his opening, gently rubbing him and then pushing first one than the other inside; his eyes stay on my face, his mouth slightly open, panting and there is a look of absolute trust in his face, of absolute beauty and love.
I move my fingers inside him, opening him up, scissoring them back and forth, his eyes cloud with lust once again and his head falls back when I push against his prostate and he sobs my name.
"Joely…please baby…"
I hold him up, he moves his hands to my shoulder and then I lower him over my cock, slowly, carefully, because I don’t want to hurt him, I could never hurt him.
"Ben… I love you so much, so much…"
He gasps and moans, his eyes fall shut and I push all the way in. Do you know how beautiful he is? How incredible he is?
This is perfection.
This is unity.
This is the impossible one made of two.
I rock slowly, barely moving, I want to feel him around me, caressing me with all his body. His arms move to wrap around my neck and he pushes himself up and then slowly down, rippling around me with a sensuous grace and I am lost.
This is us.
Us.
Benjiamin and me.
And we are together.
I touch his soul and the flames of his love burn my flesh and we make love. We make. We create a reality made of our flesh, our bones and our souls. It’s slow and languid today, there are no shouts and no profanities, just his breath laboured and heavy against my mouth and the beating of his heart against my chest and his body, slick, hot, perfect, moving around me and I feel all that is him.
I pulse inside his body and I push my hips up to help him, to feel more of him. Sweat shimmers on his face, his mouth open like a flower, his rings glinting dully under the artificial light. I kiss him again and one of my hands wraps around his flank, helping him, while the other circles his cock, stroking him firmly.
"Joel… More more more more more… Please…"
"I have you... I have you… cum… now baby…now…"
And as he comes with my name on his lips, I push into him one more time shaking with exertion, my eyes drinking the beauty that is my brother coming, keening my name over and over and my orgasm hits me and all I know is him, all I want is him and I have him. His head rests on my shoulder, his body still trembling seems so much more fragile in my arms and I truly am amazed by his grace, by his beauty and by the fact that he wants me, that I am the one who can see him like this.
I try to move and lay him down on the bed, but he won’t let me, he holds on me tightly, showering tiny kisses on my neck, murmuring something that I can’t grasp.
”Ben…"
"Shhh… I love you... I love you… I just want to breathe you… want to keep you inside of me. You are my unity, my strength, you are beauty and purity… you are my brother and my lover… I am because of you…"
I don’t say a word, I burrow my face in his neck and tremble, my happiness silent and complete.
I am not afraid.
I am in his arms.
I am home.