(no subject)
My heart hurts a lot right now.
Hearing my father's voice on the phone, I cried. I miss my daddy. I miss him so much. I don't like him since Gayla. I miss him when he's wonderfully sober. I miss passing the football with him and feeling like I'm awesome with all the praise he would give me and my brother for throwing spirals. Now if my brother doesn't catch the ball, it's a sin. He wants to pray for us in Jerusalam, he said. He said that we're going to hell for not believing in his God. He's no longer the father I once loved. I've seen traces, but that's it. I've never seen anything more than that... and it's always after he wakes up from an overly drunken night on the town with his girlfriend, but just before 11am when he starts to drink again.
I hate my mother's unbearable control-freak nature. I can do nothing... she actually referred to me today as 17. I don't think she realizes that I'm able to responsibly make my own decisions. Sure, I'm still young and I have a future... but I don't want her to be in it if she keeps up the charade that I'm still attached to her at the hip. I'm not, Mom. I can sustain my own life if I wanted to. You don't even feed me anymore. It's more like... an occasion if I eat dinner with you. I have my own money, I have my own life, I have my own heart... but it's breaking because of your insanity. It was so hard not to cry telling you the 1/1000 of the piece of me that hurt inside because of you --just to have you scream in my face that if I give up my future for Sean, that you'd put his head on a pike. I wasn't planning on giving up my future. I was scared to be so far from home for a while if I was to go to Florida... and now... I want to be as far from you as possible. I'm not going to come home anymore if you think that for some strange and deranged reason that I'm going to mack all over him while there are children home. I'm not like that -he's not like that. He just wants to hold my hand... I just want to hold his hand.
You are an alpha bitch. You think that your word is law. Your word is what will happen. CUT THE FUCKING UMBILICAL CORD. I hate you so much right now I'm tempted to scream in the middle of the library with whatever consequences. I could care less anymore if I rot. I found something beautiful in life and because you like to take over everything and anything, I'm not allowed to have it. You're like a weed. I can never uproot you because you're too stubborn to move. I can never spray you with pesticides because the people around me would suffer from the very poison I tried to condemn you with --just you. You'd be vicious toward everyone else other than just me. I'm coming close to never wanting to love you again.
I want to continue my rant but I need to get out of the library before my teacher assigns me a detention. I hate everything. Absolutely everything right now. And the only thing I wouldn't and won't hate, I can't have. Fuck you. Fuck you all.
Hearing my father's voice on the phone, I cried. I miss my daddy. I miss him so much. I don't like him since Gayla. I miss him when he's wonderfully sober. I miss passing the football with him and feeling like I'm awesome with all the praise he would give me and my brother for throwing spirals. Now if my brother doesn't catch the ball, it's a sin. He wants to pray for us in Jerusalam, he said. He said that we're going to hell for not believing in his God. He's no longer the father I once loved. I've seen traces, but that's it. I've never seen anything more than that... and it's always after he wakes up from an overly drunken night on the town with his girlfriend, but just before 11am when he starts to drink again.
I hate my mother's unbearable control-freak nature. I can do nothing... she actually referred to me today as 17. I don't think she realizes that I'm able to responsibly make my own decisions. Sure, I'm still young and I have a future... but I don't want her to be in it if she keeps up the charade that I'm still attached to her at the hip. I'm not, Mom. I can sustain my own life if I wanted to. You don't even feed me anymore. It's more like... an occasion if I eat dinner with you. I have my own money, I have my own life, I have my own heart... but it's breaking because of your insanity. It was so hard not to cry telling you the 1/1000 of the piece of me that hurt inside because of you --just to have you scream in my face that if I give up my future for Sean, that you'd put his head on a pike. I wasn't planning on giving up my future. I was scared to be so far from home for a while if I was to go to Florida... and now... I want to be as far from you as possible. I'm not going to come home anymore if you think that for some strange and deranged reason that I'm going to mack all over him while there are children home. I'm not like that -he's not like that. He just wants to hold my hand... I just want to hold his hand.
You are an alpha bitch. You think that your word is law. Your word is what will happen. CUT THE FUCKING UMBILICAL CORD. I hate you so much right now I'm tempted to scream in the middle of the library with whatever consequences. I could care less anymore if I rot. I found something beautiful in life and because you like to take over everything and anything, I'm not allowed to have it. You're like a weed. I can never uproot you because you're too stubborn to move. I can never spray you with pesticides because the people around me would suffer from the very poison I tried to condemn you with --just you. You'd be vicious toward everyone else other than just me. I'm coming close to never wanting to love you again.
I want to continue my rant but I need to get out of the library before my teacher assigns me a detention. I hate everything. Absolutely everything right now. And the only thing I wouldn't and won't hate, I can't have. Fuck you. Fuck you all.