Why sometimes I wish my mom would be bit in the face by a kangaroo (aka the DnD life equivelency)
I am going to play DM here for a moment and based on happenings of this night I would like you to picture the scenario and ask yourself what you would do:
OK so, it is the night before thanksgiving and everyone is preparing food to be cooked for tomorrows feast. You end up at your mom's house because she has some ingredients for stuffing and a turkey she wishes you to prepare because even though the meal will be at our house, she does not want to have Thanksgiving without turkey and she would pray that the gods smite you if you somehow did not have turkey at your table or your oven broke. It is not know if her oven is superior to yours but she has just made a critical strike in nagging and you fail your saving rolls to leave before she opens another bottle of wine. Being already intoxicated, you both prepare the stuffing with minimal arguments aside from the occasional "you aren't chopping the (insert fruit or vegetable here) right".
During the last preparations of the food, she now has a handicap in all stats from the alcohol and takes an extra hit in INT, which is now at half it is normally.She decides that is is a great idea to now call a man she met online through a dating site although she has never met him IRL. The stats of this particular incounter are unknown other than this man most likely has a CD play full of Jimmy Buffet CDs next to a cooler of Landshark beer but it is very obvious that even with out the counts against her stats (if she weren't intoxicated) that this man is a few levels higher than she is. With the combo of having you in her party and way too much drinking she has now gained the bonus feat "talk like an asshole" which allows her to antagonize anyone without really making any sense and does not suffer a penalty if fear or fear related spells are cast (not enough int to recognize what has happened).
She begins talking to this higher level character with her new added bonus feat and make the mistake of CALLING HIM ON THE HOUSE PHONE. The man has a computer in his inventory and has +2 in googling people he does not know. Your mom continues to talk to the man and even answers the phone when he calls back. You cannot make out what he is saying but you hear her repeating over and over "why do you need to know my address, why do you care where I live?" her voice escalates and she casts intimidation but fails the roll. The man has now located you via the reverse phone dictionary online and you have grossly underestimated your mother's internet skill level. Turns out she hasn't put any skill points in knowledge of the internet, policy of the internet and general use of the internet and knows nothing of the higher ranking skills such as "sending pictures through email", "downloading music" and "knowledge of 4chan memes(lore)". Now you must prepare for a possible encounter within the night.
The area you are currently in is thick with woods and has a very small human population. Rarely do the Royal guard come through other that the outskirts of town, dolling out ridiculous speeding tickets on the Suncoast Parkway. The local reinforcements are spare and of lower rank than the average town and will not come in the case of a threatening phone call, only after, when you have been stabbed to death are you eligible for their services. They also respond at a rate of 3 hours within initial contact and your possible encounter could show up within an hour or two if he hurried. You mother, still inebriated, begins calling her friends to let them know what jsut happened, and is not using a joking and sarcastic tone about the matter. She tells them that if she calls in the middle of the night she is going to need them to show up as extra party members, but unfortunately they are all NPCs with no knowledge of anything but basic living skills.
You now must at least make preparations in case this encounter happens. You have already yelled at your mother for acting like a typical noobfag on the interwebs but as long as she is still intoxicated "talk like an asshole" is still in effect and you then get into an argument about how you do not open up your feelings enough to her. This promptly takes away from your prep time so you must decide quickly of your actions. You yourself are recovering from a three day illness(this being the 2nd day) and are taking hits in STR and CON as well as your HP being 15% less that normal. You do have sharp kitchen knives with a 1 to 5 damage on them or you can spend time looking in the messy fuck up of a garage for your 1 handed sword(yes it is there) but that may take a few hours for you have no clue of where it might be. Your mother decides that she doesn't give a shit what happens and promptly falls asleep; you are alone in your party and now have a sleeping NPC to protect (side quest). She refuses to leave you a companion animal, which would at least boost your party to two and give you and extra turn in a fight, but she is used to having the fucking dogs sleep with her, so you are fucking SOL.
You are unable to find other party members via your computing communication device even with your advanced skills. You are now regretting not buy a gun from the local weapons shop and putting all of those points into "marksmanship" (dumb ass). You decide the best weapon for now is the butcher knife and you decide to keep watch on the couch while watching adult swim. Unfortunately, Seth Green and Matthew Senreich have failed yes again to produce a new season of Robot chicken and the episode that is on you have seen 100 fucking times already. Yes, you really like Robot chicken and know that Seth Green is hot, but come on, Family guy shouldn't be that big of a project he is only a side character anyway; Stop sucking Seth McFarlanes millionaire dick.
You fall asleep.
The TV in the living room, although fancy and flat screen, its a POS from last years Black Friday sale and now has a habit of changing volume with the remote wielder's consent. The volume continues to rise, blocking out all noise but you continue to fail rolls on waking up. Your mother however, succeeds in hers and wakes up to the TV blasting loudly (she has pluses in hearing electronic activity while sleeping, which comes from an imbalance of negatives when it comes to ever fucking listening to you) She grabs the remote and looms over you in a stupor. You sense her proximity and which gives you just enough of a boost to successfully wake up but you do not immediately know where you weapon is and all you see is a dark shadowy figure holding a long object in there hand, looming over you.
This scares the goddamn living piss out of you but you are immobile from the blanket cocoon you wrapped yourself in earlier and are unable to move or speak. She says "it's too loud, I am turning it off" and then shuts off the television, uses the restroom and goes to bed.
You get up, groggy, paranoid and stupid with rage. The only thing you can do is what you always do. Use your invested skill points to write about the event in your fucking blog..and so you begin to weave your tale to other players, in order to vent and hopefully, you will get some sleep tonight and wake up in time to cook the motherfucking turkey...
Happy Thanksgiving guys,
Harper
OK so, it is the night before thanksgiving and everyone is preparing food to be cooked for tomorrows feast. You end up at your mom's house because she has some ingredients for stuffing and a turkey she wishes you to prepare because even though the meal will be at our house, she does not want to have Thanksgiving without turkey and she would pray that the gods smite you if you somehow did not have turkey at your table or your oven broke. It is not know if her oven is superior to yours but she has just made a critical strike in nagging and you fail your saving rolls to leave before she opens another bottle of wine. Being already intoxicated, you both prepare the stuffing with minimal arguments aside from the occasional "you aren't chopping the (insert fruit or vegetable here) right".
During the last preparations of the food, she now has a handicap in all stats from the alcohol and takes an extra hit in INT, which is now at half it is normally.She decides that is is a great idea to now call a man she met online through a dating site although she has never met him IRL. The stats of this particular incounter are unknown other than this man most likely has a CD play full of Jimmy Buffet CDs next to a cooler of Landshark beer but it is very obvious that even with out the counts against her stats (if she weren't intoxicated) that this man is a few levels higher than she is. With the combo of having you in her party and way too much drinking she has now gained the bonus feat "talk like an asshole" which allows her to antagonize anyone without really making any sense and does not suffer a penalty if fear or fear related spells are cast (not enough int to recognize what has happened).
She begins talking to this higher level character with her new added bonus feat and make the mistake of CALLING HIM ON THE HOUSE PHONE. The man has a computer in his inventory and has +2 in googling people he does not know. Your mom continues to talk to the man and even answers the phone when he calls back. You cannot make out what he is saying but you hear her repeating over and over "why do you need to know my address, why do you care where I live?" her voice escalates and she casts intimidation but fails the roll. The man has now located you via the reverse phone dictionary online and you have grossly underestimated your mother's internet skill level. Turns out she hasn't put any skill points in knowledge of the internet, policy of the internet and general use of the internet and knows nothing of the higher ranking skills such as "sending pictures through email", "downloading music" and "knowledge of 4chan memes(lore)". Now you must prepare for a possible encounter within the night.
The area you are currently in is thick with woods and has a very small human population. Rarely do the Royal guard come through other that the outskirts of town, dolling out ridiculous speeding tickets on the Suncoast Parkway. The local reinforcements are spare and of lower rank than the average town and will not come in the case of a threatening phone call, only after, when you have been stabbed to death are you eligible for their services. They also respond at a rate of 3 hours within initial contact and your possible encounter could show up within an hour or two if he hurried. You mother, still inebriated, begins calling her friends to let them know what jsut happened, and is not using a joking and sarcastic tone about the matter. She tells them that if she calls in the middle of the night she is going to need them to show up as extra party members, but unfortunately they are all NPCs with no knowledge of anything but basic living skills.
You now must at least make preparations in case this encounter happens. You have already yelled at your mother for acting like a typical noobfag on the interwebs but as long as she is still intoxicated "talk like an asshole" is still in effect and you then get into an argument about how you do not open up your feelings enough to her. This promptly takes away from your prep time so you must decide quickly of your actions. You yourself are recovering from a three day illness(this being the 2nd day) and are taking hits in STR and CON as well as your HP being 15% less that normal. You do have sharp kitchen knives with a 1 to 5 damage on them or you can spend time looking in the messy fuck up of a garage for your 1 handed sword(yes it is there) but that may take a few hours for you have no clue of where it might be. Your mother decides that she doesn't give a shit what happens and promptly falls asleep; you are alone in your party and now have a sleeping NPC to protect (side quest). She refuses to leave you a companion animal, which would at least boost your party to two and give you and extra turn in a fight, but she is used to having the fucking dogs sleep with her, so you are fucking SOL.
You are unable to find other party members via your computing communication device even with your advanced skills. You are now regretting not buy a gun from the local weapons shop and putting all of those points into "marksmanship" (dumb ass). You decide the best weapon for now is the butcher knife and you decide to keep watch on the couch while watching adult swim. Unfortunately, Seth Green and Matthew Senreich have failed yes again to produce a new season of Robot chicken and the episode that is on you have seen 100 fucking times already. Yes, you really like Robot chicken and know that Seth Green is hot, but come on, Family guy shouldn't be that big of a project he is only a side character anyway; Stop sucking Seth McFarlanes millionaire dick.
You fall asleep.
The TV in the living room, although fancy and flat screen, its a POS from last years Black Friday sale and now has a habit of changing volume with the remote wielder's consent. The volume continues to rise, blocking out all noise but you continue to fail rolls on waking up. Your mother however, succeeds in hers and wakes up to the TV blasting loudly (she has pluses in hearing electronic activity while sleeping, which comes from an imbalance of negatives when it comes to ever fucking listening to you) She grabs the remote and looms over you in a stupor. You sense her proximity and which gives you just enough of a boost to successfully wake up but you do not immediately know where you weapon is and all you see is a dark shadowy figure holding a long object in there hand, looming over you.
This scares the goddamn living piss out of you but you are immobile from the blanket cocoon you wrapped yourself in earlier and are unable to move or speak. She says "it's too loud, I am turning it off" and then shuts off the television, uses the restroom and goes to bed.
You get up, groggy, paranoid and stupid with rage. The only thing you can do is what you always do. Use your invested skill points to write about the event in your fucking blog..and so you begin to weave your tale to other players, in order to vent and hopefully, you will get some sleep tonight and wake up in time to cook the motherfucking turkey...
Happy Thanksgiving guys,
Harper