Home sweet home
Wow. Today was intresting. I think my sister is going through worse shit then I am, but I failed to realize it myself. I dont know how i could let something like could go undetected by my mind. It makes it worse that i also built up a hate an anger against her for something which she has no control over. Today was just *great* (sarcasim) my and my mom where sitting down together eating and my sister came in and for some reason or another lost it and had anyother episode, they are getting worse and worse, screaming at my mom that she is "A fuking bitch, a bad parent and that she fuking hates her" right in her face, through my school books at her, ripped off all of the pics of her on our frige and then stormed out of my house. God i hate seeing my mom cry. But wut makes me really feel bad is having all these negative feelings towards her when in her mind, she can not even comprehend the damage she is causeing and can't help it. After alot of thought i think she has manic depressive dissorder, or bio polar disorder. The only thing is that it took this long for me to realize this, and by this point i dont even know if i can help her and undo the damage that has been done bye years of this shit. Then having my parents blame me for her out breaks makes me feel even worse. But i take the blame, it is not her fault she feels and acts the way she does, just as it is not my fault how i feel so depressed for so long at times without turly being happy unless intoxicated. I just hope i can reach out to her intime. What scares me the most is that all my life i have promised and promised my self never to turn out like her, never to be dependten on other people to be able to live, to have no hopes and dreams. but the thing is, is that most of these kind of things are genetic and that i think i might be an earlyer verison of her, and how she is now is forsight on how i might turn out in several years. I just hope i can help her and myself intime. But i dont know how yet, I can never talk to her, she gets an episode if i try, but it is not her fault, she can't control herself, she needs help just as bad as i once did. This is the first time i've felt true love and compasion for her in a very long time. God let me help us both before it is too late and before the damaged can't be undone. But i will find a way, i dont care wut it takes, i dont care wut i must sacrifice, i will bring us both out of this fog.