It is my down day, I am going to vent and bitch below
I hate being sad and over thinking everything. No matter how hard I try, no matter what cbt tricks I use, I have these days that feel so empty. Like nothing I do matters really. I'm scared of failing and I hate feeling like this. I tried losing weight but I just have been beating myself up. I really think I have a problem. I think I enjoy hurting myself with food since I won't let myself cut. I pick scabs, create scars, and dig into my skin because I feel a release. I feel like I've messed up so much that I just want to start over. Move to a new city and be a new person. I feel like I take advantage of my friends. Their kindness has helped so much but I am always scared that they are going to leave.Get fed up.
I have more good days than bad. It is just the bad days that mess with my head. Most of me knows that my friends love me and care about me. I just hate having those thoughts in the tiny back corner of my mind that rear their heads.
I found out that I cannot join the peace corps, if you know me then you know that it has been a huge goal in my life to do that. My depression and anemia prevent me from passing the physical part. Well, that and my weight. Part of me thinks that my weight will never change. I am destined to only attract creepy guys with fetish for large women. They don't find me attractive, they see me as an object. Or its the guys that only want to get off. I'm scared about this.
I just want to be successful and happy but I really don't know what I want.
Just ignore this. I needed to get this off my chest.
I have more good days than bad. It is just the bad days that mess with my head. Most of me knows that my friends love me and care about me. I just hate having those thoughts in the tiny back corner of my mind that rear their heads.
I found out that I cannot join the peace corps, if you know me then you know that it has been a huge goal in my life to do that. My depression and anemia prevent me from passing the physical part. Well, that and my weight. Part of me thinks that my weight will never change. I am destined to only attract creepy guys with fetish for large women. They don't find me attractive, they see me as an object. Or its the guys that only want to get off. I'm scared about this.
I just want to be successful and happy but I really don't know what I want.
Just ignore this. I needed to get this off my chest.