(no subject)
Eric,
I feel so insane right now. There are five hundred things swimming in my head right now. A million questions an absolutely no answers.
My head and my heart are in two entirely different places. My head says "hey, are you listening? he doesn't love you. he wants to be alone. forget him."
Sometimes, I wish it was that simple. There have been so many times in the past where relationships didn't work out and while it hurt like fuck, I knew deep down, that it was right to just move on.
For some reason, my heart just doesn't believe it this time. I almost hate it because it makes the hurting that much worse. I think of all those times I looked into your eyes, and for the first time in my life I honestly believed that the person looking back at me loved me for who I was. And I can't forget it.
I was dying inside last night when you were talking. That hard exterior just looks like this is all so easy for you.
But I know, or maybe I just trying to comvince myself that somewhere deep down, you love me. Please God, let me be right.
This is all so complicated. And while I would like to say that I'd give my right arm to talk to you, if you were actually here, I don't know what I'd say. I think I'd like to just lean against your chest and stare at the wall.
What in the hell do I even want? I've asked myself that so many times over the past few months. But better than that, what do I need? Honestly, I just need someone right now that I can be friends with. That I can relax with and vent to. That understand how fucking stupid 99% of people in this work are. That I learn things from almost constantly. Somebody hot. That likes to snuggle and make out and have sex. I'm thinking, three times a week. No holding back, lots of random blow jobs and by god, hand jobs.
Lately, I felt like I had been holding back, and I hated it. And I had resolved to fuck your brains out this week.
(sidebar: I bought some fucking incredible lingerie AND finally a school girl outfit for you a few days ago and am kicking myself for waiting for this week to surprise you. So much for that idea. Now I'm just thinking about seducing you at the Brooks track. Would you be mad? lol, ever had sex on an infield before?)
I don't care if we have to start all over. I don't care if we have to be friends for awhile first. I don't care if I only see you once a week and we have sex eight times that day and the rest of the week you jack off in the shower and become a nomad. I fucking don't care. I'm to the point where I have to be patient no matter what, and that's cool.
Well, it feels good to get all this out. And hopefully, you aren't reading this in a few weeks and laughing your goddamn ass of at me. AHHHH.
If you need time, that's what I want you to have. It fucking sucks for me, but that's all just a part of loving someone - doing what's best for them when they need it. I make my OWN decision to be here and to take on shit. And its a small price to pay verses never being around you again. I want so badly for you to just take some time to yourself to think. To figure out some of the things in your head and I pray that eventually, you'll call.
(... and I can use that lingerie. No one appreciates it like you do.)
Fucking hell, I miss you Eric.