(no subject)
I don't mind talking about what happened. What I hate is trying to talk about how it makes me feel and trying to figure out how exactly to deal with all of it. It makes me feel so impaired. I am so goddamn anxious about EVERYTHING and I have no clue why. It's not fair. I'm not afraid of him, I know I won't run in to him, but here I am all shaky because I am getting dressed to go out for my friends birthday dinner. I'll be in a restaurant with a group of people I trust and I can't even handle getting ready for it. And I hate hate hate talking to and crying in front of people I don't know. I made an appointment with the counseling center and they gave me that same woman from my freshman year WHO DIDN'T HELP ME AT ALL. She passed me off to the psychiatrist who put me on meds after ONE SESSION. Fuck that. I think I'm going to cancel it because I'm pretty sure it's just going to make me even more anxious and angry. I just want to deal with it on my own in the best way I can. By writing really melodramatic poems and essays and letters and stuff. I sort of just wish I could force Mal to read each and every one of them so he can really get a feel for how terrible he made me feel and for how fucked up he is. I can't stand anything right now. I am so angry. And the whole night when it happened sucked. How are you supposed to trust cops when they can't even let you stop hyperventilating before forcing you to write a report you didn't want to write in the first place and they told you that you didn't have to write if you didn't want to. I wish I knew a lawyer that knew how to deal with all this crap because they made it seem like I had no choice but to go to court, but i don't want to because I don't want to press charges, I just never want to see him again. Is that seriously too much to ask? I know who I'm dealing with, they don't. They think all of this is for my safety, but it's all just way too much fucking greif that's not even worth it. He won't come back here and he won't come after me. It's just done now and I just want to leave it like that. I hate being so angry. I'm not going to classes this week. I can't deal with this. Since when is this my life?