what's a girl to do?
Well it's 1:40 am on a Sunday & I cannot sleep. My little firefighter is out cold in bed next to me, however I can't seem to catch a wink. & I have to be up in 6 hours for a long day of school & work. I know part of my sleep troubles are due to way too many thoughts on the brain. As of late I have had numerous things on my mind, in which I selectively keep a lot of it inside & sometimes it becomes too much. The major issue at hand is, as always, my future. Something I have been stressing since the middle of my senior year of high school & still have not fulfilled. Freshman year of college was really rough for me. I spent the first semester depressed & very unhappy, & the second semester living in Atlanta & stalling. I came back to Pembroke Pines refreshed & with a new plan - to earn my A.A. at BCC & then off to a state university. Simple. But nothing can ever be that simple. A young man came into my life that July & turned my world upside down. After years of being the single gal, it was finally my turn. Steven & I began dating & now we're very much in love. This is where my problem unfortunately occurs. My big plan of going off to college now doesn't quite make sense. Before I was set & ready to venture off into a new place with new people & hope for the best. Now I'm not so sure. I was accepted to FSU Summer Term, but not accepted into the School of Communication so that was the first crossed off my list. Along with a few other factors like distance & least fave college town. UCF, I am deferred until an official A.A. Degree is obtained (August), & I STILL have not heard back from UF. So although I see myself most likely ending up in Orlando...I feel very very torn. This would require a long distance relationship between Steven & I. This thought crossed my mind back in September while I was applying but I never thought it would get to this point, even though I secretly wished it would (him being my first serious relationship). I used to be very very set on moving out, moving away & obtaining the full university experience. It just felt like what was meant to be. However, throughout the month of January, as it became more apparent how close that transfer time was coming, I was starting to become very depressed. There were days where I could not stop crying. Sobbing my eyes out at the thought of leaving Steven & not being together whenever we wanted, living streets away from each other. I felt numerous emotions. I was already heartbroken at just the thought of what it would feel like to be apart. I felt extremely guilty for being selfish & not changing my plans for a boy. But this isn't any boy. Steven is my BEST FRIEND. He is my world. I see myself with no one else. He is the perfect one for me & I could honestly share my life with him. These thoughts run through my head every single day. I don't cry as much any more because I keep telling myself everything will work out. But I worry about it tremendously. I am so very happy with Steven every day but it's sad how much these thoughts go through my head. I've now started to reconsider. I have never ever had any interest in going to a local school like FIU or FAU in South Florida. But love changes things. When someone changes your world so much you begin to not care as much about everything else as long as you have that person by your side. Yes, my family, best friends, & boyfriend are all here. I have a great job that I love here. I would most likely move back here anyway after I graduate to be with Steven...all these factors tell me...Gina, reconsider. Unfortunately we also do not have the option of Steven ever moving away to be with me. For right now he is here working for the Hallendale Beach Fire Department. Firefighters rarely change stations because it is a lot of work to get hired & he just went through so much to finally be working, he will not be looking into other cities for a while. Point being, unlike other people my age he is no longer a college student & cannot transfer to the same school as me which makes it even harder. Although I have a many factors of why I do not wish to make this my ultimate destination, I continually tell myself, this is how much he means to me...this is real & I just want to be happy. Often people don't understand why I don't wish to settle for a South Florida school & honestly I just really don't think it could be as fun of an experience. However, no matter what happens I will make the best of it. It's just a lot of pressure on my shoulders. So I think I might apply to FIU to definitely have as a back up. I am honestly very very very torn & could use some answers. I want this awful cycle of not knowing my collegiate future to finally end & I want to be satisfied. I have worked really hard & have been very patient. I really wish I knew what to do. I'm very scared & unsure. What's a girl to do.