My stomache is twisted into knots.

Nov 05, 2006 02:07

October 2nd. I got in a car accident and hit two vehicles on a two lane highway. I was trying to pass a slower vehicle. My car was totaled. I went home with a major chemical burn on my chin/neck from the airbag...but other than that I was fine.

I thought that this would be the most difficult experience that I would ever live down. Knowing that I could've died...or killed someone.

Loosing sight of life. And hating every moment of it.

Instead of being grateful I became mortified that I came out fine. The BAD of the word finally became clear. I took off the rose colored glasses for a brief moment and saw life for what it was and I was not amused. It was depressing to say the least.

About a week later I was back at work and I learned how to become lively once again. which...wasn't too hard for me. And then I began taking things for granted again.

I just sort of forgot that anything had happened and somehow shoved it aside. Problem solved right?

Wrong.

A couple of weeks ago I was working out of town for a full week and staying with a friend in her town which is close to mine. She drove me to work with her everyday...until she wanted two days off and I told her I'd figure out what I would do because I wanted the hours and didn't want to intrude on her alone time with her kids. And well she didn't ask if I wanted to go stay with her at that time.

So I made it work. I found myself at barnes and nobles with a backpack full of clothes. I changed in the bathroom and tried to figure out what I was going to do. I have a friend there who will remain unnamed forever more. He promised to pick me up at 11:30 and didn't show up until 2:30am. Luckily I had made friends with this guy named derek who I still talk to. He was nice enough to take me around trying to look for a hotel or somewhere incase these other guys flaked on me, which at this point is what I thought had happened.

So...all of the hotels were booked. (there weren't very many)
And I was screwed.

So derek stuck with me until finally around 2 he finally called to say that he was on his way.

He showed up with 2 friends. He was drunk...and I was crammed in the back with this guy that I had met once before but was fond of. He was completely apologetic unlike the drunk asshole who left me for hours without word of where he was. Anyhow...we dropped off the nice guy and I was left with the sober driver and the drunk.

I was going to give more details but I'm just not sure what to say at this time.

Let's just say that I am no longer naive and the majority of men disgust me.

Let's leave it at that.

....

The next night after work I stayed with derek. I slept in a car as he slept inside. I got up early the next morning and went right back to day 6 of 10 hour days. I worked over 60 hours that week. And I would never do it again if it meant fending for myself and trying to find a random place to stay.

I don't trust like I used to.

And the last few months have really made me who I am now. Still care-free but a bit more cautious. Because you never know what could happen.

.....

And then you walk into the room and tell me all of your secrets. Play me like I'm a fool. And I'm giving into you for some reason that's beyond me. I guess I'm just a sucker for opening old wounds.

How can I possibly love as much as I do ...

I'm playing two seperate rolls. Deviding the lie and the truth.

Devoted. Broken. Inseparable. Alone. Love. Lust.

I'm so scared of loosing you.

Just make it go away.

Let's pretend the worlds a better place.

...

Today the world is a better place.
And when I awake I will swallow these pills of regret and bow my head in shame.

. . . .
goodnight.
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