(no subject)
I'm so tired of everything being so meaningless. Meaningless words, meaningless actions, meaningless kisses. This isn't who I am/ who I wanted to be. I miss when all that actually mattered to me. When kisses gave me butterflies in my stomach even though they were familiar. I miss the feeling of a familiar kiss, like you could melt into the other person, and it would be alright. Alright. Not some drunken fluke, not something that would be awkward the next day. Who am I? Why did I want this? This wasn't what I wanted.
I'm biting the clock, I want to fast forward, I want to rewind, I want to be anywhere but here.
I want to get out of this rut. I want to regain hope, regain some direction cause I've lost these things somewhere, and I feel like I'm stranded in limbo or something. I feel like I'm sad all the time and I never feel like talking, like everything is wrong and I really shouldn't be here. I have nothing to be sad about, I know my life is really amazing and I'm really lucky but something is just missing or so out of place, and I just need to leave here.
I never feel right here in the city, but on monday I was at Oxbow and I went to the paddock, took out Dylan and Merlin and I let them go free to eat grass on the lawn. I decided to lay down on the lawn. It was only 15 degrees but I felt so warm. The sun was shining on my face and my two favorite things were standing right beside me on either side eating grass, and it felt just right. I need the grass, I need the sun, I need the stars, I need natural colors. I didn't have to think about love, or sex or being insecure or not good enough for anyone, because right then at that moment I was good enough, I knew I was good enough. Not only for those horses or the grass or the little bugs that were probably crawling on me, but I was good enough for myself. And that's really all I've ever wanted to feel.
I'm starting to hate drinking/smoking/parties in general. It's all so dumb, but I'm glad I've learned these lessons myself, otherwise I never would have believed it.
Anyway so
last week was alright.
Valentines day was really funny/cute. Joejoe, Maihtab and Jano's 7 year old cousin, Santi were my valentines. Haha Santi wrote me a card that said "To Dominique. I get you a peris(supposed to be prize)" but the r looked kind of like an n. Haha. Joejoe and Maihtab are so smooth with the ladies. Then I went sledding.
Friday I smoked a little with Greg, Danny, Harry and Arman and then Harry, Greg and I planned on going to some party but by the time I got on the train I was feeling absolutely terrible like I couldn't even talk I just wanted to go to sleep, but I went to this party anyways. But when I got there I was like wtf is going on so I left really soon after I got there. I told them I had to go home but I really was just feeling like shit and had no idea what was going on so I left. That sucked.
Saturday I rode Journey still not okay and we jumped really huge stuff and I was scared I wouldn't be able to ride but I ended up doing the best. Haha good thing Journey is good. Then at night we went over Marion's for a bit and then Mike, Sarah, Lynsey and I went over this house and oh god. Diva fluff and Moosie shots. Lynsey said I looked like Stephen Hawkings. STEPHEN HAWKINGS! Thanks girl, he's cute.
Sunday and Monday I stayed at Oxbow being a Diva. Haha "I am a fucking Diva". Mike is so funny.
I love Oxbow. I'm definitely going to miss Oxbow the most when I leave for college.
I'm biting the clock, I want to fast forward, I want to rewind, I want to be anywhere but here.
I want to get out of this rut. I want to regain hope, regain some direction cause I've lost these things somewhere, and I feel like I'm stranded in limbo or something. I feel like I'm sad all the time and I never feel like talking, like everything is wrong and I really shouldn't be here. I have nothing to be sad about, I know my life is really amazing and I'm really lucky but something is just missing or so out of place, and I just need to leave here.
I never feel right here in the city, but on monday I was at Oxbow and I went to the paddock, took out Dylan and Merlin and I let them go free to eat grass on the lawn. I decided to lay down on the lawn. It was only 15 degrees but I felt so warm. The sun was shining on my face and my two favorite things were standing right beside me on either side eating grass, and it felt just right. I need the grass, I need the sun, I need the stars, I need natural colors. I didn't have to think about love, or sex or being insecure or not good enough for anyone, because right then at that moment I was good enough, I knew I was good enough. Not only for those horses or the grass or the little bugs that were probably crawling on me, but I was good enough for myself. And that's really all I've ever wanted to feel.
I'm starting to hate drinking/smoking/parties in general. It's all so dumb, but I'm glad I've learned these lessons myself, otherwise I never would have believed it.
Anyway so
last week was alright.
Valentines day was really funny/cute. Joejoe, Maihtab and Jano's 7 year old cousin, Santi were my valentines. Haha Santi wrote me a card that said "To Dominique. I get you a peris(supposed to be prize)" but the r looked kind of like an n. Haha. Joejoe and Maihtab are so smooth with the ladies. Then I went sledding.
Friday I smoked a little with Greg, Danny, Harry and Arman and then Harry, Greg and I planned on going to some party but by the time I got on the train I was feeling absolutely terrible like I couldn't even talk I just wanted to go to sleep, but I went to this party anyways. But when I got there I was like wtf is going on so I left really soon after I got there. I told them I had to go home but I really was just feeling like shit and had no idea what was going on so I left. That sucked.
Saturday I rode Journey still not okay and we jumped really huge stuff and I was scared I wouldn't be able to ride but I ended up doing the best. Haha good thing Journey is good. Then at night we went over Marion's for a bit and then Mike, Sarah, Lynsey and I went over this house and oh god. Diva fluff and Moosie shots. Lynsey said I looked like Stephen Hawkings. STEPHEN HAWKINGS! Thanks girl, he's cute.
Sunday and Monday I stayed at Oxbow being a Diva. Haha "I am a fucking Diva". Mike is so funny.
I love Oxbow. I'm definitely going to miss Oxbow the most when I leave for college.