been a long timeeee
Well I doubt anybody reads these things anymore..not that that many people ever did to begin with that I was friends with.
I just need to write. I mean I guess online probably isn't the best place to write everything you're thinking but whatever I don't feel like going old school and writing in a shitty notebook.
Life is just...so weird. Everything changes all the time, yet it 't the same. Even a few months ago I was in a different state of mind. If I only had a car, my license, people to hang out with, a job, a boyfriend, or anything at all to do outside of this house...things would better.
I haven't done any scholarships whatsoever, I still don't have my license, and I still don't have a job. I applied to tail gate but they didn't call me back when they said so I call back and the girl tells me they found somebody else with "more food experience." I mean it's not like I really want that job it's nothing great but I just need money so bad. I used to have no problems before with just taking money out of my banks to get stuff. But I have no income and it's finally all coming down. I have about 70 something in my regular checking account and then maybe 300 something in my savings...but I realllllyyyy don't want to start taking money out of there too. The thing is even having a job is complicated for me due to my family situations and other circumstances. Since I don't have my license I would have to either walk, run, ride my bike, or get an occasional ride to my job. Which means the place has to be really close to here, tail gate is about 3 miles away. And the thing is, even if I had my license I still won't have a car and I can't drive a standard which would be the only available car to use.
I don't have enough money to do anything. I hate money. It seems to always fuck with the actual important things in life. It has fucked up so many things in my life, and has caused almost every problem. It really is the root of all evil.
And more about getting a job, well now im starting to make dreads so i'm pretty sure nobody around these stupid towns will accept somebody working at their place with dreads. So whatever maybe i'll just wait till they get nice and then hopefully figuire out what to do after that. I just hate how things like this can limit everything. If you don't a job you can't get money to buy a car which means you have to rely on other people to give you rides places and if you don't know a lot of nice people or aren't friends with many..then you're basically stuck. I don't even have like a chance to practice backing up or parallel parking for my license test (since that's why I failed before), since my mom works all the time and my dad's always out when i'm home and available. It's just not easy to be able to practice, cause everybody else has their shit to do, everybody else has a life.
I really don't like my life during the week. A few of my classes are really fun and easy, actually pretty much all of them are. But after school...I get so bored and lonely. I spend so much time alone during the week. I just wanna be able to do something social cause I don't even have homework or anything else now cause my classes are so easy. So basically I have like 5 hours of free time. Maybe even more. And all I do is fiddle around on this computer or listen to music and occasionally draw.
But even when I think about it now..I just really need to get out of high school. I'm only have about 5 people here that I can say are actual close friends of mine that I would want to hang out with, and even then they have other plans and lives and jobs and stuff as well. The way that my life has come to be, I don't even know where I would go if I did have all the freedoms that everybody else has. They all like hang out with each other. I guess I just wish that I did have a car so then if I did want to do something or go to some place I needed to go, I could. I just wanna go to college now and hopefully meet a lot of new actual cool people in the art field and the psychology one as well. I wanna meet people that aren't dumb, like the majority of this school is. I wanna meet people who can actually think deeply and have an understanding of life and people, and listen to good music. I wanna meet people that I can share similiar experiences and thoughts with. I just want more, solid people in my life. There's just nobody who is totally constant, you know?
Maybe i'm still adjusting to the single life, or maybe it's just that my mind couldn't fully think about things last semester when I was totally stressed out all the time with my hard classes and stuff. Now it's so easy that I have sooo much time to think. I guess I just thought I would feel even better now, but I still have the limiting social things...
My weekends are usually pretty good, since I actually hang out with people then and can sleep the amount that I need.
I realize this is a huge blog, but i'm sure nobody is gonna read it anyways so oh well.
I talked to mariah for awhile today after school, which was nice cause I haven't had like a full out conversation with her in forever. We talked about so many things, and I just wanted to keep hanging out cause i'm just so lonely after school and I wish I could atleast have somebody to talk to...in person is so much better. I have a lot of like, online relationships. well not totally online or a lot but I talk to nicole and felicia online during the week or through texts a lot. But when I have days that I don't talk to them that much, it really hits me how lonely I feel. I haven't really been able to sleep the past couple days, even though I know that i'm SO exhausted underneath whatever the fuck is going on. I have been sick for basically 2 weeks straight. I'm trying to kill it off so i'm trying to cut back smoking. (weed that is) The thing is, I have so much fucking time and freedom now after school, and if I have bud too, why not do it? Atleast if i'm stoned I don't care if i'm not around people, and I can do whatever and still have fun and feel good. Like today for instance, I haven't smoked..which is like the first day in like weeks that I haven't.
And idk if it's just a concidence but I don't feel anywhere near as good..not like physically but emotionally I feel more towards shitty.
I mean i'm on lamictal and have been for months, and it has helped me a lot. lamictal and weed work pretty well for me. I just really prefer being stoned..even more so when I know i'm gonna be alone for hours on end.
I just hate the routine, repetition that school keeps going. I'm sick of having the same kinds of things going on every day, and having every week not be fun after school and then only have the weekend to do what I want and be able to sleep. I can't believe that whoever first decided to make a school system couldn't think of something more creative or convieniant to educate people. It doesn't need to be made into a system just like everything else. It's such bullshit. I can't believe that all of our lives are basically programmed for us as soon as were born into this world. There are so many things you have to do in order to live in society. And if you don't follow the laws and rules and guidelines given to you in both school and life outside of it..you get in deep shit. You can't just be free. You really can't do what you want, you're always having to adapt in some way to these laws or rules. It's just rediculous. Nobody else should have the authority or right to control the way that people live. I guess that's one thing that really gets me down. The raw reality of it all. Like, there's nothing I can do about it. I know people are always saying you can make a difference but I can't make the change that I want. I could do one small thing and that would make almost no difference. There's no way I could change the entire framework of the society that we all live in. No fucking way.
So yeah i'm all mixed up about some relationship things as well. I like Benoit, but it's all so complicated. If any of you at all just found that out for the first time you better not say anything to anyone else haha. It just sucks cause I feel like it's all right on the surface. We flirt a lot, and I feel like he does with me more than other people, and it's much different. I just wish I could figuire it out. I hate not knowing and having to risk shit to really find out. Like, I don't even know if he's still with his girlfriend from france. I don't think they really could be still since they haven't seen each other for like 7 months but I mean I don't wanna interfere with anything if I just go and tell him I like him. Plus he's leaving to go back to france in september. I don't even know how it would be, if it would be worth it, and how it would even work out. Obviously I wouldn't know that but I don't like having it totally up to questioning. Plus, I really don't want to tell him I like him and then find out that he doesn't feel the same and then have him probably feel awkward later and me feel like shit. Every single thing is so complicated. I'm just so afraid to even say it, cause I feel like i'd be violating so many things-and making myself very vulnerable too...which I really don't need to be hurt again.
I don't think I feel like deeply about him cause I probably still love mike underneath my mind trying to push it away...
But I do like him a lot and oh my god he is just so hott and cool and funny. There is like nobody else in this whole fucking school like that. Danny's the only other cool guy like that, and he's just a good friend of mine..and he's not hott lol.
I might tell benoit tomorrow since i'm supposed to go over his house to have him finish up my dreads and then him and felicia and I are supposed to go to a movie later. I also need time to be able to tell him if i'm going to, and i'm not going to obviously if she's right there too lol. I mean she knows all about it cause I told her but it would just be stupid to tell him with other people around. I'm just so scared. I don't know why I have to act so immature about this. I act like I have a little girl crush on him, the way I talk about it and the way that we flirt lol.
I just feel like he's out of my league, but then again I always feel that way. I have such low confidence. People probably think that I don't since i'm loud and say what I think a lot and do crazy stuff, but I still always feel like i'm not as pretty or cool as some other people. When it comes to guys I always feel like they would like somebody else who is prettier or has a better body or better style and is nicer or something. If I were only like 20 pounds lighter, had a skinnier face, a different eye color, a better nose, nicer hair, a proportional, good body..then maybe I would feel i'm actually attractable. Most of the time I just feel like I look like shit and that nobody would want me besides that horny desperate fuck that lives next door to me.
I just really don't know what to do. Like what am I gonna say/do if he just tells me he doesn't like me or shoots me down in some way. I guess i'll never find out unless I say it but I just like wish he would be the person to ask me or something. The thing is he is shy, but I don't know if he's still with his girl or not cause he sure didn't act like it before when he would flirt with channon like maddddd. And then how he is now with me and a few other people. With some people you can't tell if they are just big flirts or if they really like you. And even if he does, maybe he wouldn't want to make anything out of it? I would just like to have a nice little fling with him till he leaves, I really wouldn't want to get attached since he'll be gone forever soon, and i'll probably never see him again.
This is totally unrelated to everything, but I LOVE RADIOHEAD!
Go listen to them all of their stuff is so fucking good
I just need to write. I mean I guess online probably isn't the best place to write everything you're thinking but whatever I don't feel like going old school and writing in a shitty notebook.
Life is just...so weird. Everything changes all the time, yet it 't the same. Even a few months ago I was in a different state of mind. If I only had a car, my license, people to hang out with, a job, a boyfriend, or anything at all to do outside of this house...things would better.
I haven't done any scholarships whatsoever, I still don't have my license, and I still don't have a job. I applied to tail gate but they didn't call me back when they said so I call back and the girl tells me they found somebody else with "more food experience." I mean it's not like I really want that job it's nothing great but I just need money so bad. I used to have no problems before with just taking money out of my banks to get stuff. But I have no income and it's finally all coming down. I have about 70 something in my regular checking account and then maybe 300 something in my savings...but I realllllyyyy don't want to start taking money out of there too. The thing is even having a job is complicated for me due to my family situations and other circumstances. Since I don't have my license I would have to either walk, run, ride my bike, or get an occasional ride to my job. Which means the place has to be really close to here, tail gate is about 3 miles away. And the thing is, even if I had my license I still won't have a car and I can't drive a standard which would be the only available car to use.
I don't have enough money to do anything. I hate money. It seems to always fuck with the actual important things in life. It has fucked up so many things in my life, and has caused almost every problem. It really is the root of all evil.
And more about getting a job, well now im starting to make dreads so i'm pretty sure nobody around these stupid towns will accept somebody working at their place with dreads. So whatever maybe i'll just wait till they get nice and then hopefully figuire out what to do after that. I just hate how things like this can limit everything. If you don't a job you can't get money to buy a car which means you have to rely on other people to give you rides places and if you don't know a lot of nice people or aren't friends with many..then you're basically stuck. I don't even have like a chance to practice backing up or parallel parking for my license test (since that's why I failed before), since my mom works all the time and my dad's always out when i'm home and available. It's just not easy to be able to practice, cause everybody else has their shit to do, everybody else has a life.
I really don't like my life during the week. A few of my classes are really fun and easy, actually pretty much all of them are. But after school...I get so bored and lonely. I spend so much time alone during the week. I just wanna be able to do something social cause I don't even have homework or anything else now cause my classes are so easy. So basically I have like 5 hours of free time. Maybe even more. And all I do is fiddle around on this computer or listen to music and occasionally draw.
But even when I think about it now..I just really need to get out of high school. I'm only have about 5 people here that I can say are actual close friends of mine that I would want to hang out with, and even then they have other plans and lives and jobs and stuff as well. The way that my life has come to be, I don't even know where I would go if I did have all the freedoms that everybody else has. They all like hang out with each other. I guess I just wish that I did have a car so then if I did want to do something or go to some place I needed to go, I could. I just wanna go to college now and hopefully meet a lot of new actual cool people in the art field and the psychology one as well. I wanna meet people that aren't dumb, like the majority of this school is. I wanna meet people who can actually think deeply and have an understanding of life and people, and listen to good music. I wanna meet people that I can share similiar experiences and thoughts with. I just want more, solid people in my life. There's just nobody who is totally constant, you know?
Maybe i'm still adjusting to the single life, or maybe it's just that my mind couldn't fully think about things last semester when I was totally stressed out all the time with my hard classes and stuff. Now it's so easy that I have sooo much time to think. I guess I just thought I would feel even better now, but I still have the limiting social things...
My weekends are usually pretty good, since I actually hang out with people then and can sleep the amount that I need.
I realize this is a huge blog, but i'm sure nobody is gonna read it anyways so oh well.
I talked to mariah for awhile today after school, which was nice cause I haven't had like a full out conversation with her in forever. We talked about so many things, and I just wanted to keep hanging out cause i'm just so lonely after school and I wish I could atleast have somebody to talk to...in person is so much better. I have a lot of like, online relationships. well not totally online or a lot but I talk to nicole and felicia online during the week or through texts a lot. But when I have days that I don't talk to them that much, it really hits me how lonely I feel. I haven't really been able to sleep the past couple days, even though I know that i'm SO exhausted underneath whatever the fuck is going on. I have been sick for basically 2 weeks straight. I'm trying to kill it off so i'm trying to cut back smoking. (weed that is) The thing is, I have so much fucking time and freedom now after school, and if I have bud too, why not do it? Atleast if i'm stoned I don't care if i'm not around people, and I can do whatever and still have fun and feel good. Like today for instance, I haven't smoked..which is like the first day in like weeks that I haven't.
And idk if it's just a concidence but I don't feel anywhere near as good..not like physically but emotionally I feel more towards shitty.
I mean i'm on lamictal and have been for months, and it has helped me a lot. lamictal and weed work pretty well for me. I just really prefer being stoned..even more so when I know i'm gonna be alone for hours on end.
I just hate the routine, repetition that school keeps going. I'm sick of having the same kinds of things going on every day, and having every week not be fun after school and then only have the weekend to do what I want and be able to sleep. I can't believe that whoever first decided to make a school system couldn't think of something more creative or convieniant to educate people. It doesn't need to be made into a system just like everything else. It's such bullshit. I can't believe that all of our lives are basically programmed for us as soon as were born into this world. There are so many things you have to do in order to live in society. And if you don't follow the laws and rules and guidelines given to you in both school and life outside of it..you get in deep shit. You can't just be free. You really can't do what you want, you're always having to adapt in some way to these laws or rules. It's just rediculous. Nobody else should have the authority or right to control the way that people live. I guess that's one thing that really gets me down. The raw reality of it all. Like, there's nothing I can do about it. I know people are always saying you can make a difference but I can't make the change that I want. I could do one small thing and that would make almost no difference. There's no way I could change the entire framework of the society that we all live in. No fucking way.
So yeah i'm all mixed up about some relationship things as well. I like Benoit, but it's all so complicated. If any of you at all just found that out for the first time you better not say anything to anyone else haha. It just sucks cause I feel like it's all right on the surface. We flirt a lot, and I feel like he does with me more than other people, and it's much different. I just wish I could figuire it out. I hate not knowing and having to risk shit to really find out. Like, I don't even know if he's still with his girlfriend from france. I don't think they really could be still since they haven't seen each other for like 7 months but I mean I don't wanna interfere with anything if I just go and tell him I like him. Plus he's leaving to go back to france in september. I don't even know how it would be, if it would be worth it, and how it would even work out. Obviously I wouldn't know that but I don't like having it totally up to questioning. Plus, I really don't want to tell him I like him and then find out that he doesn't feel the same and then have him probably feel awkward later and me feel like shit. Every single thing is so complicated. I'm just so afraid to even say it, cause I feel like i'd be violating so many things-and making myself very vulnerable too...which I really don't need to be hurt again.
I don't think I feel like deeply about him cause I probably still love mike underneath my mind trying to push it away...
But I do like him a lot and oh my god he is just so hott and cool and funny. There is like nobody else in this whole fucking school like that. Danny's the only other cool guy like that, and he's just a good friend of mine..and he's not hott lol.
I might tell benoit tomorrow since i'm supposed to go over his house to have him finish up my dreads and then him and felicia and I are supposed to go to a movie later. I also need time to be able to tell him if i'm going to, and i'm not going to obviously if she's right there too lol. I mean she knows all about it cause I told her but it would just be stupid to tell him with other people around. I'm just so scared. I don't know why I have to act so immature about this. I act like I have a little girl crush on him, the way I talk about it and the way that we flirt lol.
I just feel like he's out of my league, but then again I always feel that way. I have such low confidence. People probably think that I don't since i'm loud and say what I think a lot and do crazy stuff, but I still always feel like i'm not as pretty or cool as some other people. When it comes to guys I always feel like they would like somebody else who is prettier or has a better body or better style and is nicer or something. If I were only like 20 pounds lighter, had a skinnier face, a different eye color, a better nose, nicer hair, a proportional, good body..then maybe I would feel i'm actually attractable. Most of the time I just feel like I look like shit and that nobody would want me besides that horny desperate fuck that lives next door to me.
I just really don't know what to do. Like what am I gonna say/do if he just tells me he doesn't like me or shoots me down in some way. I guess i'll never find out unless I say it but I just like wish he would be the person to ask me or something. The thing is he is shy, but I don't know if he's still with his girl or not cause he sure didn't act like it before when he would flirt with channon like maddddd. And then how he is now with me and a few other people. With some people you can't tell if they are just big flirts or if they really like you. And even if he does, maybe he wouldn't want to make anything out of it? I would just like to have a nice little fling with him till he leaves, I really wouldn't want to get attached since he'll be gone forever soon, and i'll probably never see him again.
This is totally unrelated to everything, but I LOVE RADIOHEAD!
Go listen to them all of their stuff is so fucking good