My life is to survive, and be alive for you
Wowwww where the fuck did summer go. I don't even want to think about it but school is in like 2 fucking weeks. BLOWWWWSSSS. I wish that I could just be done with school type shit and just be able to get the job i'm gonna have for the rest of my life. I don't want to have to go back to the routine of stupid school 5 days a week all the way from september to may. The whole setup is retarded and draining as all hell. Plus it makes me not be able to see mike like ever. And now i'm even more attached to him than before and I can't go like a few days without seeing him. So I can't imagine how it's going to be when it goes back to like, almost a week before I see him from the last time I did. And he's gonna be in college now, and hes gonna have a job, so hes going to be a lot busier too. He's not gonna have as much gas to come see me, since hes gonna be using a lot of it to drive to school and back everyday. I wish he just lived here and then he could just take the bus to umass like my brothers do. And then hed be here everyday so I could atleast have him in my prescence. That would make things a hell of a lot easier. But would obviously never happen. I don't know what it is exactly that happened, but at some point this summer I started getting really really attached to him, like obsessive how I was during my last relationship. And i've basically still been this way ever since then. I feel bad for him because I rely on him so much and its probably annoying having somebody thats wants to be attached to your hip. So ever since I got attached I started feeling that I loved him more than he loved me and ive been getting all paranoid thinking hes getting sick of me or he wants space or some shit like that. And I cant stop myself from thinking it. I feel like he never assures me enough. He knows and ive told him how insecure ive been getting about this but I dont know I dont ever feel reassured. I hate how some days he shows how much he feels for me, and really makes me not so worried anymore. And then like a day later he seems like he doesn't want to be around me at all, or atleast really wouldn't give a shit either way if I was there or not. Like when I go over his house. He doesn't just stay with me and like lay down and cuddle or whatever. He busies himself and does all this other shit while i'm there. And then for like 5 minutes he comes over to me and then its back to whatever he was doing before. I dont know if its just me or what but I feel like hes losing his feelings for me. I feel like because Im attached to him now its like it reversed the way he feels. Why do things always work like that? It's like the more you see how somebody is less interested in you than than you are of them, the more you want to be with them, and vice versa. Why can't things ever be equal? Wouldn't the normal reaction be that you leave the person alone or be pushed away from them if you feel they don't want to see you? Why would that make you want to be even closer? How does that make any sense? Sometimes I feel like things are competitive between him and I as well. Like the other day we are both bored of just laying around at one of our houses so we just keep driving around trying to find something to do. And then I get this idea, oh lets see what danny is up to and we'll hang out with him. And then idk if it was in my head or what but I felt like right after I said that he got kind of pissed off, or jealous or something of the sort. And then im thinking just wait now hes gonna say something about asking mj to hang out. So fucking like 1 minute later he goes hmm lets see what mj is up to. And im like wow suprise suprise. And I just felt like we were both trying to piss each other off, trying to make the other one jealous or something. But like not completely intentionally, but almost like a test or something. I don't know what I think of what he was thinking is probably all in my head but whatever. I think so many things are going on that most of the time arent. This is what i'm saying, im super paranoid. And I dont know when it started. I just feel like hes getting sick of always being around me. And it really bothers me that he couldnt just lay around with me for that night, that he didnt have to keep driving around calling all these people up trying to find something to do, like he really couldnt stand one more night of just laying around with me. Like that was way too fucking boring and repetitive for him to handle. I just don't get it, thats why I think he loves me less. Because I really dont give a shit if we have nothing to do, I love being in his arms and kissing him, I could do it for hours. But its like he doesnt have that romantic kind of need. And I thought he was different. I thought he was more sensitive than most guys, that he loved stuff like that as much as I do. But now I feel like the only way he can express his love to me is through sex. And I'm sick of guys thinking thats the only way you can. Sex is so physical to guys. And girls think of it as a much more emotional thing. I just dont get why he cant just lay around with me. Why can he only do that if we are doing something? What is so horribly hard and boring about laying around and relaxing with the person you are in love with? Why the fuck would you not want to do that? The thing that scares me as well is that he is passive, so im thinking ok when he has a problem hes not gonna say anything about it. Just like the last time he ditched me, didnt say ANYTHING to me about his other plans. I had to basically track him down to find out what was going on, had his mom fucking telling me where he is and like she doesnt know where he is because he doesnt have his phone. So I find mjs number and call her to get to him, and then he fucking tells me then what was going on, in this tone like "how could you not know that" How could I not know that? Because you didnt tell me thats how! God why is communication so hard for people! You could avoid soooo many problems if you would just talk!! And then hes telling me well I didnt want to say anything because I knew youd be mad because mj was there. And im like ok well if you dont tell me than that makes me even more suspicious about it because you are hiding it! Than it really seems like something is going on. And then the other day he fucking goes I just had this weird idea but I dont know if it would be good. ANd im like what and hes like to call up my ex and see if she wanted to hang out. And then hes like but that probably wouldnt be good because your my new girlfriend and that would piss her off. And im thinking UHHH YOU THINK MAYBE ME BEING WITH YOU AND YOUR EX MIGHT PISS ME OFF? Not her! shouldnt he be more concerned about how id feel about it, considering im the current girlfriend! Than that scared the shit out of me because im thinking omg hes thinking about her maybe he wants her back or something. He was saying the good things about her and im like wow are you even thinking right now about how insecure this is making me feel. Im seeing him tomorrow since hes getting back from new york. I wonder which way hes gonna be to me then. If we have to like run around again and not just relax with each other im gonna be like ok seriously what is up with you? I just wish he could friggen talk to me. I want to know whats going on in his head I want to know how he really feels about me, honestly. Id rather know the truth than have to keep making shit up in my head because I dont know so I assume the worst because yes, I am a pessimist. I just don't get it! Why are guys like this? Why does everybody seem so perfect at first and then start fucking up later? gahhh. im not even tired and ive had 2 really bad nights of sleep in a row. I woke up like a billion times, didnt have any deep sleep. Idk why I had that either because I smoked both those days, so I shouldnt been able to sleep really well. But what the fuck I dont know. I dont know much except that I wish everything could be clear and upfront. I wish everybody would be straight forward with me, tell me their real, honest opinion of me. And not be fake at all. Show me their true self. That would be nice.