(no subject)
I don't know why I'm update, but why the hell not? (and it's not going to be depressing. No promises on it not being ranty though >_> )
So, my birthday is about two weeks away. I'm going to be twenty-four. Now this isn't going to be one of those "oh no, I'm getting old! What a shocker!" type of rants, but I will say that my birthday coming around is having an impact on me.
I wanted to be published by now, and I realize this is a wide dream so I'm not devastated, but I will admit to being a bit downhearted that all of the NORMAL things in my life are the same. My life is so... basic. I can't say that I like that, at all.
I'm bored. Restless. I want to do things. I want to have things. I want to go someplace I've never been, look around, and fall in love with being naive all over again. I want to feel small...
Now anyone that knows me, knows that I grew up way too fucking fast. That's not to say that I'm always the most mature, not by any means, but there is something to be said about being child-like and in awe.
I want to be able to look at things without instantly seeing how off it could be. I want to see a child and not instantly wonder if he's abused by his parents. If he's sad. I want to wonder about my own life again, about what could be possible.
These past three months of living on my own have been very, very good for me... and something underlying is that this time period is the first time since I was extremely young that I haven't had even the smallest of suicidal thoughts. I'm in awe... but that also means that my eyes are open to how I normally see life.
I'm very often a pessimist. Everyone, everything, is a potential scar on my already jaded soul. Though I love many, I trust no one. Nothing. I live as though tomorrow I could lose my home, my sanity, my friends. It's something I grew used to from experience, but I don't want to be like that.
One day, maybe, I'll find my way. My dreams are simple, but they are mine. I want to publish my books... I want to drive around in my own RV or truckcamper. Me and Ipo. Maybe one day, I'd love to have a child. Just the one. I'd be happy with just the one.
...and that's it. That's all I ask for from life. Three dreams. Many have accomplished them, haven't they? So maybe I can too... I want this. I need this. How do I get this...?
There are so many road blocks. The biggest is monetary, of course. No one wants to hire me. I've been trying for a lot longer than I've told people, but I can't find a job. How can I move forward? What can I do? I WILL make this happen...
I WILL make this happen.
So, my birthday is about two weeks away. I'm going to be twenty-four. Now this isn't going to be one of those "oh no, I'm getting old! What a shocker!" type of rants, but I will say that my birthday coming around is having an impact on me.
I wanted to be published by now, and I realize this is a wide dream so I'm not devastated, but I will admit to being a bit downhearted that all of the NORMAL things in my life are the same. My life is so... basic. I can't say that I like that, at all.
I'm bored. Restless. I want to do things. I want to have things. I want to go someplace I've never been, look around, and fall in love with being naive all over again. I want to feel small...
Now anyone that knows me, knows that I grew up way too fucking fast. That's not to say that I'm always the most mature, not by any means, but there is something to be said about being child-like and in awe.
I want to be able to look at things without instantly seeing how off it could be. I want to see a child and not instantly wonder if he's abused by his parents. If he's sad. I want to wonder about my own life again, about what could be possible.
These past three months of living on my own have been very, very good for me... and something underlying is that this time period is the first time since I was extremely young that I haven't had even the smallest of suicidal thoughts. I'm in awe... but that also means that my eyes are open to how I normally see life.
I'm very often a pessimist. Everyone, everything, is a potential scar on my already jaded soul. Though I love many, I trust no one. Nothing. I live as though tomorrow I could lose my home, my sanity, my friends. It's something I grew used to from experience, but I don't want to be like that.
One day, maybe, I'll find my way. My dreams are simple, but they are mine. I want to publish my books... I want to drive around in my own RV or truckcamper. Me and Ipo. Maybe one day, I'd love to have a child. Just the one. I'd be happy with just the one.
...and that's it. That's all I ask for from life. Three dreams. Many have accomplished them, haven't they? So maybe I can too... I want this. I need this. How do I get this...?
There are so many road blocks. The biggest is monetary, of course. No one wants to hire me. I've been trying for a lot longer than I've told people, but I can't find a job. How can I move forward? What can I do? I WILL make this happen...
I WILL make this happen.