Frustrated
I want to make people proud.
I am seriously struggling with this horrid scream that I can't let out.
I feel trapped inside the lives of everyone around me. Like I am a costar in everyone's lives.
but I do not star in my own.
It drives me insane. I love hearing about my friends and giving advice or what not, but I don't feel like I have anything of my own.
I can't do anything.
Okay, for example, I have a friend who does the singing/choir thing. I have friends who do sports. I have friends who even do cooking.
Some who are in bands. Some who did the drama thing.
I have nothing. I mesh in almost all of those categories, but I do nothing.
I want to do something competitive. Something that will make people proud. Something where my Aunt Linda can come and cheer me on and say, "wow, I'm proud of you."
I think that would mean more to me than winning thousands of dollars.
They don't give awards to the t.v. stars best friend.
They don't give awards to biggest fans.
No one cheers on the understudy who never gets her shot.
I'm not whining, it may sound like it but I'm not. I'm not complaining.
I'm frustrated about my current status. I'm frustrated that I can't think of a single thing I could do competitively.
I have such a huge competitive nature, it's going to waste.
I remember one time, I was in the school play. I wrote the music and melody to Shakespeare's songs and had a few very minor lines.
I was in the paper. It was amazing to see my name and "composed" next to it.
And afterward the band director of my school came up and said I should enter those pieces into a competition.
I of course thanked him and gave it no thought. I knew they weren't good enough, and that I didn't have the voice to perform them.
But it felt good. Not good enough.
Am I just being an attention whore?
It's not really about the attention as much as it is having something of my own. Something to make me unique in the bunch of my family and friends.
I was called an attention whore once. Maybe they're right. I mean, they may take it back now (doubt it).
I disagreed entirely.
But if they were right, I'm screwed.
Once a whore you're nothing more, I'm sorry, that'll never change.
I am seriously struggling with this horrid scream that I can't let out.
I feel trapped inside the lives of everyone around me. Like I am a costar in everyone's lives.
but I do not star in my own.
It drives me insane. I love hearing about my friends and giving advice or what not, but I don't feel like I have anything of my own.
I can't do anything.
Okay, for example, I have a friend who does the singing/choir thing. I have friends who do sports. I have friends who even do cooking.
Some who are in bands. Some who did the drama thing.
I have nothing. I mesh in almost all of those categories, but I do nothing.
I want to do something competitive. Something that will make people proud. Something where my Aunt Linda can come and cheer me on and say, "wow, I'm proud of you."
I think that would mean more to me than winning thousands of dollars.
They don't give awards to the t.v. stars best friend.
They don't give awards to biggest fans.
No one cheers on the understudy who never gets her shot.
I'm not whining, it may sound like it but I'm not. I'm not complaining.
I'm frustrated about my current status. I'm frustrated that I can't think of a single thing I could do competitively.
I have such a huge competitive nature, it's going to waste.
I remember one time, I was in the school play. I wrote the music and melody to Shakespeare's songs and had a few very minor lines.
I was in the paper. It was amazing to see my name and "composed" next to it.
And afterward the band director of my school came up and said I should enter those pieces into a competition.
I of course thanked him and gave it no thought. I knew they weren't good enough, and that I didn't have the voice to perform them.
But it felt good. Not good enough.
Am I just being an attention whore?
It's not really about the attention as much as it is having something of my own. Something to make me unique in the bunch of my family and friends.
I was called an attention whore once. Maybe they're right. I mean, they may take it back now (doubt it).
I disagreed entirely.
But if they were right, I'm screwed.
Once a whore you're nothing more, I'm sorry, that'll never change.