painful blessing
what a painful, painful blessing grama lena's cancer is. so very, very much good out of so very, very much pain.
i visited her last night. took off as soon as i could after a long work day, used the drive down to collect myself. i took my time going into the house, catching up with my aunt and uncle, hugging on my dad--there are more lines in his face than there used to be-- helping unload the groceries i brought. dad disappeared while i talked with my aunt, then came out onto the porch saying, "she's awake. come see her." so i did.
i've heard it said that death carries with it some sort of an aroma. but what about inevitable death, like an impending storm? is it like the scent of rain, wafting in heavily until you're really breathing in the rain? because that's what it felt like. it's like now i've got some of death's vapors inside of me... some of her last vapors inside of me. death is hovering near us, with us, in us. it's made a final nest inside of grama lena, like some sad, lonely but tragically beautiful bird. i can't help but think of her as one of those silvery helium baloons, her faded and worn ribbon still tied to our wrists, the air leaking out slowly but it's still floating, waiting for release. it's all we can do to bring ourselves to release her. she's so tired.
her mind has been on/off. part of it is the extreme amount of medication, the rest is her body and brain shutting down. it was hard to see her lay there, her mouth slack and her eyes staring. she keeps having tiny tremors of seizures... she hasn't eaten in a few days and hasn't been able to hold down any medication but her morphine, which is a patch. i held her hand, humming songs i love to her. she "woke up" and looked over at me, her eyes really holding mine clearly. she asked me, "are you going to be a good girl?" and i tried hard not to cry as i said, "yes, i promise." then i tucked my head gently in the crook of her neck. she sighed, and i could swear she nestled into me. i stayed there for a while, comfortable. then i tucked her blanket a little tighter around her feet, and her arms were cool to the touch so i tucked them under it too. then i just sat there and looked at her.
left pretty late at night, drove home in silence. i couldn't cry. i was so sad, but at peace too. i know whose care grama lena is in. i know the Hands that hold her gently, that love her so much. i know who's eyes she will be looking into after she closes hers to us.
this song came on the radio on the way to work. and with it the tears i didn't cry last night... i'm so SO grateful. and i can only imagine...
"I can only imagine what it will be like, when I walk by Your side...
I can only imagine, what my eyes will see, when Your Face is before me
I can only imagine. I can only imagine.
Surrounded by Your Glory, what will my heart feel?
Will I dance for you, Jesus? Or in awe of You, be still?
Will I stand in Your presence, or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing 'Hallelujah!'? Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine I can only imagine
I can only imagine, when that day comes, when I find myself standing in the Son
I can only imagine, when all I will do, is forever, forever worship You!
I can only imagine I can only imagine
Surrounded by Your Glory, what will my heart feel?
Will I dance for you, Jesus? Or in awe of You, be still?
Will I stand in Your presence, or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing 'Hallelujah!'? Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine Yeah I can only imagine
Surrounded by Your Glory, what will my heart feel?
Will I dance for you, Jesus? Or in awe of You, be still?
Will I stand in Your presence, or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing 'Hallelujah!'? Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine Yeah I can only imagine
I can only imagine Yeah I can only imagine Only imagine
I can only imagine.
I can only imagine, when all I do is forever, forever worship You
I can only imagine."
i visited her last night. took off as soon as i could after a long work day, used the drive down to collect myself. i took my time going into the house, catching up with my aunt and uncle, hugging on my dad--there are more lines in his face than there used to be-- helping unload the groceries i brought. dad disappeared while i talked with my aunt, then came out onto the porch saying, "she's awake. come see her." so i did.
i've heard it said that death carries with it some sort of an aroma. but what about inevitable death, like an impending storm? is it like the scent of rain, wafting in heavily until you're really breathing in the rain? because that's what it felt like. it's like now i've got some of death's vapors inside of me... some of her last vapors inside of me. death is hovering near us, with us, in us. it's made a final nest inside of grama lena, like some sad, lonely but tragically beautiful bird. i can't help but think of her as one of those silvery helium baloons, her faded and worn ribbon still tied to our wrists, the air leaking out slowly but it's still floating, waiting for release. it's all we can do to bring ourselves to release her. she's so tired.
her mind has been on/off. part of it is the extreme amount of medication, the rest is her body and brain shutting down. it was hard to see her lay there, her mouth slack and her eyes staring. she keeps having tiny tremors of seizures... she hasn't eaten in a few days and hasn't been able to hold down any medication but her morphine, which is a patch. i held her hand, humming songs i love to her. she "woke up" and looked over at me, her eyes really holding mine clearly. she asked me, "are you going to be a good girl?" and i tried hard not to cry as i said, "yes, i promise." then i tucked my head gently in the crook of her neck. she sighed, and i could swear she nestled into me. i stayed there for a while, comfortable. then i tucked her blanket a little tighter around her feet, and her arms were cool to the touch so i tucked them under it too. then i just sat there and looked at her.
left pretty late at night, drove home in silence. i couldn't cry. i was so sad, but at peace too. i know whose care grama lena is in. i know the Hands that hold her gently, that love her so much. i know who's eyes she will be looking into after she closes hers to us.
this song came on the radio on the way to work. and with it the tears i didn't cry last night... i'm so SO grateful. and i can only imagine...
"I can only imagine what it will be like, when I walk by Your side...
I can only imagine, what my eyes will see, when Your Face is before me
I can only imagine. I can only imagine.
Surrounded by Your Glory, what will my heart feel?
Will I dance for you, Jesus? Or in awe of You, be still?
Will I stand in Your presence, or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing 'Hallelujah!'? Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine I can only imagine
I can only imagine, when that day comes, when I find myself standing in the Son
I can only imagine, when all I will do, is forever, forever worship You!
I can only imagine I can only imagine
Surrounded by Your Glory, what will my heart feel?
Will I dance for you, Jesus? Or in awe of You, be still?
Will I stand in Your presence, or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing 'Hallelujah!'? Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine Yeah I can only imagine
Surrounded by Your Glory, what will my heart feel?
Will I dance for you, Jesus? Or in awe of You, be still?
Will I stand in Your presence, or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing 'Hallelujah!'? Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine Yeah I can only imagine
I can only imagine Yeah I can only imagine Only imagine
I can only imagine.
I can only imagine, when all I do is forever, forever worship You
I can only imagine."