(no subject)
I feel selfish because I don't feel like I really should be unhappy with my life right now. Im not like really unhappy or anything but some things that are important to me aren't really going the way that they should be right now.
My mom.....
is breaking my heart like you wouldn't believe. My parents got divorced when I was in 5th grade and yeah things were rough but it was all good and my dad got remarried when at the end of my 7th grade year. My stepmom was cool and everything and got us everything we wanted ( maybe why we all loved her so much) but anyway, everything was really fine besides me being a constant headache to my family for getting in trouble and stuff and whatever. What I am getting at is my stepmom has truly turned into a horrible person. I mean seriously. My poor little sister. and my mom. My mom cannot at all keep up with financial things that my dad and stepmom can afford such as my little sisters dance and cheerleading. She can only help out with things that are a necessity. She does what she cans and i know that and i'll love her no matter what. ANYWAY stupid shit is happening now. Mackenzie is the only kid left at home and basically since my dad and stepmom say my mom cant afford to pay for kenzie and be a good parent that they are taking her to court and trying to take custody of my little sister away. WHAT THE FUCK. My mom has literally like nothing. The things she has are so important to her one of those things being her kids. She doesn't have a lot of family and for them to take her away is absolutely killing her. It hurt me sooooo bad to have my mom call me and break down to me on the phone and completely fall apart. You don't even understand what a solid person my mom is,she has been through SO much in her life and this is the last thing that she needed. I am so scared for what will happen to her if this ends badly. If this ends badly its only going to get worse. What am I suppose to do when i don't live at home and all I can offer her is my love and be there for her to listen to her vent. i couldn't live with myself if I allowed my stepmom to destroy my mother.
Another thing related to my dad and stepmom....
Money is fucking me so hard right now. Not in the sense that I'm really poor but I put like $300 in savings every month or $150 from each paycheck. But of course thats gotten to the point where thats not even good enough. Most kids my age aren't barely even working because they are a full time student like me and need time to do their homework LIKE ME which is why since I'm putting in almost 30 hours a week and going to school full time I'm not doing very well in school. Not nearly as good as I could beacuse i don't try because i don't have the time or energy to put forth the effort if I really put effort forth I could be doing like two letter grades better i should be getting A's and B's but this last quarter I got one B a C and a D and that D is going to do me absolutely no good. Meaning that class was a waste of time and money. Even if its not my money its still unacceptable to me. Who is going to want to hire someone who cant do shit in school. Easter will blow as this year as always. Its so pathetic how much i hate spending time with my family. When I went home with rachel i felt more comfortable there than i ever have being at home with my family. Its so awkward and I feel like i'm walking on eggshells everytime I go home because of what I might have done or not done. I'm 19 years old cut me a break I'm a kid still and I want to live life right now while i'm still young. i want to be spontaneous and care free and I don't feel like I can be.
When I get my tax money back this year I WILL get a tattoo, I'm doing something for myself for once.
I think that because I'm not even good enough for my family thats whats really hurting me socially right now. I don't feel like anyone likes me ever. I dont have that great of self esteem when it comes to relationships its not as easy as it use to be to makes friends and thats so not like me. Not only that but I haven't had a meaningful relationship since Ashley and thats so sad to me. I've liked some girls but I think i scare every one of them away and they never get to know me because i get too pushy and i ask to many questions and i'm totally aware of that and i have to stop myself sometimes. i want someone to think i am more beautiful than any other girl and want no one more I cant compete anymore. Angela is still hurting me to what the fuck am I thinking. i can't be in a race with someone else i cant sit here and try to make myself look better than some other girl. I just cant do that anymore. I should just start putting myself at a higher standard than what I make myself out to be.
My mom.....
is breaking my heart like you wouldn't believe. My parents got divorced when I was in 5th grade and yeah things were rough but it was all good and my dad got remarried when at the end of my 7th grade year. My stepmom was cool and everything and got us everything we wanted ( maybe why we all loved her so much) but anyway, everything was really fine besides me being a constant headache to my family for getting in trouble and stuff and whatever. What I am getting at is my stepmom has truly turned into a horrible person. I mean seriously. My poor little sister. and my mom. My mom cannot at all keep up with financial things that my dad and stepmom can afford such as my little sisters dance and cheerleading. She can only help out with things that are a necessity. She does what she cans and i know that and i'll love her no matter what. ANYWAY stupid shit is happening now. Mackenzie is the only kid left at home and basically since my dad and stepmom say my mom cant afford to pay for kenzie and be a good parent that they are taking her to court and trying to take custody of my little sister away. WHAT THE FUCK. My mom has literally like nothing. The things she has are so important to her one of those things being her kids. She doesn't have a lot of family and for them to take her away is absolutely killing her. It hurt me sooooo bad to have my mom call me and break down to me on the phone and completely fall apart. You don't even understand what a solid person my mom is,she has been through SO much in her life and this is the last thing that she needed. I am so scared for what will happen to her if this ends badly. If this ends badly its only going to get worse. What am I suppose to do when i don't live at home and all I can offer her is my love and be there for her to listen to her vent. i couldn't live with myself if I allowed my stepmom to destroy my mother.
Another thing related to my dad and stepmom....
Money is fucking me so hard right now. Not in the sense that I'm really poor but I put like $300 in savings every month or $150 from each paycheck. But of course thats gotten to the point where thats not even good enough. Most kids my age aren't barely even working because they are a full time student like me and need time to do their homework LIKE ME which is why since I'm putting in almost 30 hours a week and going to school full time I'm not doing very well in school. Not nearly as good as I could beacuse i don't try because i don't have the time or energy to put forth the effort if I really put effort forth I could be doing like two letter grades better i should be getting A's and B's but this last quarter I got one B a C and a D and that D is going to do me absolutely no good. Meaning that class was a waste of time and money. Even if its not my money its still unacceptable to me. Who is going to want to hire someone who cant do shit in school. Easter will blow as this year as always. Its so pathetic how much i hate spending time with my family. When I went home with rachel i felt more comfortable there than i ever have being at home with my family. Its so awkward and I feel like i'm walking on eggshells everytime I go home because of what I might have done or not done. I'm 19 years old cut me a break I'm a kid still and I want to live life right now while i'm still young. i want to be spontaneous and care free and I don't feel like I can be.
When I get my tax money back this year I WILL get a tattoo, I'm doing something for myself for once.
I think that because I'm not even good enough for my family thats whats really hurting me socially right now. I don't feel like anyone likes me ever. I dont have that great of self esteem when it comes to relationships its not as easy as it use to be to makes friends and thats so not like me. Not only that but I haven't had a meaningful relationship since Ashley and thats so sad to me. I've liked some girls but I think i scare every one of them away and they never get to know me because i get too pushy and i ask to many questions and i'm totally aware of that and i have to stop myself sometimes. i want someone to think i am more beautiful than any other girl and want no one more I cant compete anymore. Angela is still hurting me to what the fuck am I thinking. i can't be in a race with someone else i cant sit here and try to make myself look better than some other girl. I just cant do that anymore. I should just start putting myself at a higher standard than what I make myself out to be.