[5] Round. And Round. [Nichkhun/Jun.K | Nichkhun/Taecyeon]
Fic Title: Round. And Round.
Main Character: Nichkhun, Jun. K
Pairing: Khun. K | TaecKhun
Rating: PG - cursing
Warnings: N/A
Word count: 4,320
Prompt 1: “Can you imagine that, an itch too sensitive to scratch.” Crowded House - Fingers of Love
Prompt 2: http://25.media.tumblr.com/41398ec91df27ef7cc9cebe8e1d1b7e7/tumblr_n00g5lmZSY1sfhaelo2_250.gif
Prompt 3: Obsession
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전부 제자릴 찾으면
널 그리워할 수 조차 없을까봐
오늘도 이렇게 살아
[Because if I put everything back in place,
I’m afraid I won’t miss you.
So... again today, I live like this.]
It wasn't normal. It was spiraling itself out of control into an abyss of self-destruction or simply driving itself up a rocky path and off a high cliff. But Nichkhun thought it was nothing short of exhilaration for Minjun.
And then he was gone.
He thought he would be able to save him. He thought that he would be better than that - that he would be different from the others.
//
“Khun!”
Nichkhun turned to the source of the voice yet, he was still able to save the shuttlecock. Badminton prodigy, they call him.
Panting from the intense badminton session, Nichkhun walked towards Chansung who was waving his phone at him. Thanks, he mouthed as he received the phone call.
“Hello, is this B-Buck?” The voice sounded unsure and hesitant to say the word Buck.
Nichkhun moaned. Who is it this time? No one ever calls him Buck. No one.
“Yes?”
Nichkhun heard drunk whines from the background.
“Your friend Jun Kay is here -”
Right maybe there is this one person who would call him Buck. But never on a normal basis.
“Where do I find you?” Nichkhun cuts him off. He knew very well what the other party was going to say.
Each time, he promises himself it will be the last time he becomes Minjun’s knight and each time, he just couldn't bear to do it.
After a few loud, off-key shrill of Pharrell’s Happy and a few trash can visits, they made it to Nichkhun’s apartment and finally into his bedroom. It definitely isn’t easy to handle unsober Minjun throwing all kinds of teases and drunk tantrums at him.
“Alexandra, come on, let’s do it again...” Minjun gripped Nichkhun’s wrist just as he was about to leave the bed. “Just one last time, I promise, I promise, come here...”
Heavy feelings started arising in Nichkhun. Disappointment, anger, sadness, mostly conflicted emotions. The last time they had a discussion, that was what Minjun had promised. In fact, that is what he says all the time. He says it all the time Nichkhun started to believe it won’t ever happen.
Sometimes Nichkhun feels that maybe things aren’t worth salvaging anymore. He tries to reason it out all the time but he fails terribly. He peered at Minjun’s face. So young, so wasted.
“Jimi Hendrix?” Nichkhun remembered the gleam in his eyes that quickly shifted into suspicion as he flipped through the pages of the biography, “What are you trying to tell me, Khun-ah?” Nichkhun also remembered deflecting the accusation with a shrug, hoping that his best friend understood the parallel he was trying to hint at.
“He’s a legend. He changed music forever, Khun-ah.”
Ah, so you did read it, Nichkhun thought to himself a few months after as he tried his best to ignore the strong scent of liquor mixed with the remnants of whatever he had for dinner that was graciously regurgitated onto Nichkhun’s shoes.
“When will I ever be like him?”
Well at this rate, you’re closer than you think, Nichkhun thought as he rolled down the passenger window, letting the music of Seoul night traffic drown the incoherent mumblings.
They arrived at his apartment not long after where he dragged Minjun’s limp body up the stairs to his bedroom. “I’d rather you be nobody than end up like him, Minjun ah,” Nichkhun whispered as he rolled Minjun’s body onto the bed. He stopped in his track before closing the door and caught a glimpse of an innocent face that reminded him of the first time he met Minjun.
//
“Hey! Can you please pass the ball back to us?” A boy with small eyes and bright smile shouted in the direction of the benches where he sees a figure sitting in the middle one. He jogs over at the same time in an attempt to retrieve the soccer ball back before it rolls too quickly and out of sight.
Nichkhun has already been watching their game for the past thirty minutes and was ready to fetch the ball for the group of guys even without the boy calling out to him. He stopped the ball with his right foot and reached to pick it up.
“You’re new, right?”
Nichkhun looked up to find a pair of curious eyes looking down at him. He had just moved to Daegu with his father a few weeks ago and today was his first day of fourth grade.
It took him a good three seconds to register and understand what the boy was saying. “Y… ye… yes,” he finally stuttered in English - his second mother language as he spent part of his childhood in Southern California before moving back to Thailand.
“Ah… you don’t speak Korean at all?” that same pair of eyes continued to examine Nichkhun, making him feel rather violated. “That’s okay. Hyung is gonna take care of you,” Nichkhun felt a reassuring pat on his back, “Owkay?” he added in an exaggerated English.
Nichkhun later found out that his name is Minjun and the two quickly became best friends. The two were inseparable as Minjun showed him the ropes of living in Korea. Nichkhun was an obedient and a quick learner as he integrated into the Korean society to the point where nobody would be able to tell that he’s Chinese Thai from first glance.
“Kim Nichkhun-ssi!” Minjun liked to say as he waited for Nichkhun to come out of his house so they can leave for school together.
“Minjun-ah, I got an offer to join a badminton club in Seoul,” Nichkhun began as they walked towards their high school.
“Whoa! That’s amazing!” Minjun attacked him with a hug, “In Seoul? Waaa… daebak.”
“It might lead to other things but I don’t know… should I accept it?” Nichkhun inquired, unsure. Moving to Daegu from Thailand was already a big move and he’s not sure if he wants to make another move on his own. Besides, he’s only visited Seoul a few times and it seems worlds apart from the life he has down here.
“Yah what are you even asking, you punk!” Minjun slapped the back of his head, “When a golden opportunity like that is being offered, you take it! No questions asked!”
Nichkhun and Minjun then began to plan their big move to Seoul after their high school graduation in between studying for the final exam. They spent nights cramming, which was more of Nichkhun studying and Minjun being distracted with his newest musical obsession. “Listen to this. Waaa… that beat is sick,” he’d often say as he shove his headphone towards Nichkhun’s often unwilling ears.
Life in Seoul was fast, moments were transient, and it seemed like things were moving in warp speed. Living away from the family meant more alone time but it also meant more responsibilities.
Nichkhun was faster at learning and adapting to the Seoul and the different accent, since he was accustomed to changing environments and learning new languages at a young age. Although he was more prone to mixing the dialects when he speaks, something that some girls - noonas, particularly - found incredibly cute. Minjun, on the other hand, tend to let his Daegu accent slip out. Many thought he was humorous.
They were mere teenagers, and naturally, they wanted to have the time of their lives and live their lives to the fullest, as cliche as that may sound. The two of them had strong urges to try everything.
Nichkhun was praised for many things he never thought he would be good at. The Thai boy made a name for himself in university by being a jack-of-all-trades. He earned scholarships and was able to spend all his time in his academics and extracurricular activities.
Minjun was devoted in his music. No one ever saw him without his headphones and statement fashion pieces. He was great with people and worked part time as a bartender. Initially, it was a way to earn him money to support his college, living expenses and to invest in music devices. Then, it became a way for him to buy status goods and network. Because to him, those two things come hand in hand.
And that was when things started to change.
“This is it man. You have to come with me. There’s nothing better than this.“ That was how he got Nichkhun to make his first visit to one of the most popular clubs in Seoul. That night, they went wild. It wasn’t the first time for Minjun, but it certainly was for Nichkhun and he had to admit that it was indeed exhilarating.
What Nichkhun didn’t know was that that was the day Minjun snorted his first cocaine.
Nichkhun often wondered how it was like to be truly passionate about something as much as Minjun who would invest everything he has for a single love. He would often find himself going through the motion like a robot. Sure, he was good at badminton but it was just different, he liked it, was good at it but not to the extent of being obsessed with it. He was good at many things, in fact - almost like he has an inverted form of Midas’ touch where everything he touch, he masters almost immediately and without much effort. The question is not what Nichkhun is good at but what he’s not good at. He grew up with sports, so he took on music and quickly mastered piano and guitar. So he moved on to photography and filmmaking - he even won a competition where he won a bundle of expensive DSLR and the gears. And now he’s merely going around, keeping his many abilities in check while not feeling particularly passionate about one. It seemed like the more choices he had, the more tempting it was for him to change because the grass seem to always look greener on the other side.
“You’re like a Nomad, Khun-ah. You keep going round and round, round and round~” Minjun slurred one night when Nichkhun found him in the club, “Soon you’ll be dizzy and… boom….” he continued, “You’ll collapse. Eotteoke?”
I hope you’ll catch me when that day comes, Minjun-ah, Khun responded in his silence, feeling dejected as the lack of something in the middle of everything he has began to dawn on him.
//
Wasted is the word that comes to mind when Nichkhun reminisced upon the life of Kim Minjun. All those hopes and dreams - all the visions accumulated when they were young… wasted. Minjun just seemed so done with it, and Nichkhun tried to convince himself that he is so done with Minjun. People work very hard to get to Minjun’s level, yet that kid (yes he is older, still) does it so effortlessly. He was admirable in Nichkhun’s eyes. Was… and still is.
But what can Nichkhun do when the love he offers isn’t what Minjun wants to accept?
Talking to him was difficult. Minjun would complain about how Nichkhun doesn’t understand. Other times, he doesn’t mention say anything at all. It was heartbreaking. At least on Nichkhun’s part as the one who watches.
As for Minjun, maybe he is hurting from drinking and regurgitating the content of his stomach on a too-frequent basis. Or he is just too unsober for his brain to function or heart to feel anything else but booze, drugs, and girls.
Their relationship is definitely different now. Nichkhun can’t help but wonder if he is the only one who sees that despite numerous attempts to convince himself that it is still them against the world.
//
How many times has it been? Nichkhun had lost count.
“What the fuck Nichkhun?!” Jun. K yelled at the top of his voice when Nichkhun barged into the room and pulls the girl out of the house without saying a word. Minjun hadn’t returned home for days and when Nichkhun found his stash of cocaine tucked at the corner of his closet, he flushed it all down the toilet bowl without a single concern.
Of course the addict was mad when he found out. But so was Nichkhun. There is a limit to his tolerance.
“First you ruin my plans by destroying my stash of coke. Now you chase her away! Do you know how expensive those are? Do you know how hard I tried to get her?!”
“Don’t fucking yell at me!” I don’t deserve this, Nichkhun thought, you don’t deserve this.
“Oh yeah? Then whose fault is it?!”
“You’re blaming me now? If you want to continue this lifestyle, move out! I don’t want someone I don’t recognise in my house.”
“What’s wrong with how I live? At least I’m pursuing what I like.”
“How are all these drugs going to help you? I’d really like to know, Kim Minjun. Enlighten me,” Nichkhun struggled to control the air of utter annoyance and sarcasm in his words.
“Just because it’s not a lifestyle you want, doesn’t mean it’s wrong!” Minjun came right in front of him, waiting for a full on battle. “You really don’t know anything about the real world, do you? Never really been passionate about anything at all. All you do is go to school, practice badminton, try to fare well in everything but never decide what you actually really want to do with yourself, never ever been devoted to anything at all. You’re just a naive, lost kid who’s trying to play in the big leagues. Stop it. Stop trying to control me. You don’t even have your life figured out.”
So this was what his best friend really thought of him. It felt like a jab to his gut and a sting to his chest. Nichkhun tried to say something -- a witty comeback about how at least he’s not the one wasting his money on a small bag of white powder and girls who are about as safe as girls in Las Vegas. But no words came out, because he knew what Minjun said is partially true. And the ugly truth left him speechless.
//
Minjun
Sent 1:06am
Horvejkul I’m sorry. I m iss you. I nee d to talk to you
Minjun
Sent 1:10am
Don’t igno r e me ple ase.
Each time Nichkhun revisited those text messages, he felt like a wind is blowing through the hole in his heart -- like the spaces in between Minjun’s words. And the widening distance that cannot be made up for any longer.
//
“Are you trying to be like him?”
“W-What?” Nichkhun turns to his right. Oh. Blurry. Everything is blurry, he thought to himself as he struggled to open his eyes. All he could make out is a tall figure with his bangs combed back. He wondered if it’s the alcohol or he simply has just never seen this person before. What was he saying? Nichkhun squinted his eyes.
“I remember seeing you fuming when you were here to fetch your friend.” It was something like contained anger and it was obvious in his eyes, Taecyeon remembered clearly. Nichkhun has skin as white as snow and a pair of bright eyes. His face now is as red as how he had first saw him. His non-Korean Korean accent confirms it. This is how Taecyeon remembered.
“What’s the matter with you?” Nichkhun exploded. “Who are you talking about? What do you know?”
Taecyeon had not expected Nichkhun to share his story. I guess alcohol makes people do things, he shrugs. Most of all, he had not expected Minjun’s plight. At all. It was foreseeable, but it was such a pity, he thought.
“He pleaded for my help, and I- I wasn’t even there,” Nichkhun wiped a tear on his cheek with the back of his hand. “Didn’t make it in time.”
“I wanted so many times to do something for him. Do you know how horrible it is? To feel so powerless. With him on guard, on defense mode all the time. To know something like this was gonna happen to one of the most important person of my life. I just--”
“I knew it, I just knew it,” before Nichkhun could put the glass of alcohol to his lips, Taecyeon swiped it away.
“Enough,” Taecyeon said quietly, placing a hand on Nichkhun’s shoulder. Because he knows. He understands it so well.
//
Taecyeon reminds Nichkhun of Minjun in that he’s someone he is thankful for. Someone who has been through a similar experience. Maybe that’s one of the reasons he decided to open up to the bartender. He doesn’t know how Taecyeon pulled himself back on track. Sometimes Nichkhun thinks he doesn’t care to know because all he wants is to remember the time he had with Minjun when he was still around. And pulling himself together again would perhaps mean forgetting his best friend. He really doesn’t want that. It was part guilt, and part love.
Things reminded him of Minjun not just because he has shared most of his life with Minjun -- not just because Minjun has been there at every stage of his life so far. He had figured that it was Minjun’s obsession and devotion with music that led him to this state. Although he has to give it to him that it was definitely something admirable. He still thanks Minjun for being the inspirational figure for the most part of his life. It is something he has never been able to do. And now that things went it the wrong direction, it just makes it works.
Sometimes Nichkhun thinks it’s intriguing how the things that built up Minjun’s soul, made him a wonderful person, literally took his soul away. And now Nichkhun has to live with the void that’s left behind.
“You just have to look ahead,” Taecyeon answered when Nichkhun asked him how he moved on after losing his fiancee in a helicopter accident that took the life of his two best friends as well.
Taecyeon had just finished his shift at the bar and had stopped by Nichkhun’s apartment, wanting to grab dinner. He was not stunned to find a pale-faced, dark-circled Nichkhun coming out of the doors, but he had not expected Khun’s question. It had been nearly three months since Taecyeon rescued the distraught Nichkhun from the power of alcohol that his employers provided, and everyday, he made it his mission to help -- to be there for the guy who looked like lost puppy who fell into a ditch. When Nichkhun wasn’t zoned out, their conversations flowed naturally as they switch languages between English and Korean. He hadn’t expected to find a friend in the drunk guy at the bar, and yet here he was… answering a question about something that still felt sore even after all these years.
“I keep wondering why I wasn’t the one who sat by the door and why I let her be so vulnerable to the danger,” Taecyeon continued bitterly. “But I just have to keep going. It’s what she would want me to do, it’s what they would want me to do.”
“Winston Churchill said--” Taecyeon began and Nichkhun couldn’t help but to laugh at the reference Taecyeon chose to use - how befitting of the history nerd that lied underneath the macho bartender facade, “--‘If you’re going through hell, keep going.’”
“Staying in hell would burn you up to ashes. Not scratching that itch that’s too sensitive to scratch won’t make it go away either. You just have to… keep going,” Taecyeon finished.
But it’s not easy, Nichkhun responded in his head.
“It’s alright, buddy. You’ll get there,” Taecyeon smiled, as if he read Nichkhun’s mind. “Let’s go get foooooooooooooooood~” he continued to chirp as he started the engine of his car and turned on the CD player, wanting to lighten the somber mood.
“In time I won't hear what you say.
In time, but time takes time you know.”
Ben Folds’ airy voice echoed through every corner of the car, all the way into Nichkhun’s innermost as he began to ponder if it’s time to scratch that itch and let it heal.
//
Tik… tok… tik… tok…
Nichkhun stared at the ceiling of his room, suddenly aware of the silence. No sound of Minjun humping some girl in the other room. No sound of Minjun singing his way through the day. No sound of Minjun experimenting with his music until dawn. No sound of Minjun regurgitating the contents of his stomach after Nichkhun dragged his drunk ass home.
No sound.
Nothing but the sound of the ticking analogue clock that Minjun had always loathed. “Khun-ah~ get a digital clock. Look at this one. It has a built-in iPod dock!” he’d say as he pointed to his laptop.
Nichkhun couldn’t help but to chuckle at the memory. Minjun-ah~ I miss you, he whispered.
He stood up and walked towards the room across the hall. He was greeted by a familiar musk that still lingered in the midst of the messy bed and the clutter in that room. It still looked the same. He had asked Minjun’s mom to let him be the one to clean up the room. It’s been almost four months and yet this is the first time he’s ever stepped foot in this room.
If everything in his life reminded him of Minjun, then this room is the epicenter of the memory. Minjun’s keyboard, synthesizer, iMac, clothes -- all of those goddamned patterned clothes that would often make Khun shiver. “Your hoodie is screaming at me,” he’d often jokingly complained when Minjun wore one of his crazy printed apparel.
“I think… I think it’s time for me to clean up, Minjun-ah…” Nichkhun began to speak out loud to the empty room as he sat down on the messy bed, taking in every last bit of Kim Minjun that he could get.
He sighed.
He stood up with the intention of walking out to the kitchen to fetch empty boxes but something finally snapped inside him and he began to silently cry.
Like a movie, memories of his time with Minjun began to play in his head. Their late night escapade to ddeokbeokki stalls followed by Minjun’s endless tirade about how much he wants to make his own ddeokbeokki shop - Daegu Smile Ddeokbeokki. Their first bus ride to Seoul together, followed by their first day living in Seoul. The first DJing gig that Minjun ever booked. The first badminton match that Nichkhun won for his university. The first day they moved into a new apartment followed by Nichkhun almost setting it on fire when he forgot to turn off his candles before he went to sleep. The nights they’d stay up to marathon a TV show. And the last night they spent together, when Minjun had blurted out those harsh truth and Nichkhun had left without goodbye.
I’m sorry, Minjun-ah, Nichkhun’s tears continued to fall as he allowed his head to rest on the pillow that smelled like a mix of hair gel and alcohol.
That night, the silence seemed so loud as Nichkhun allowed himself to be still and truly weep for the life that was Kim Minjun. Not the wasted life of Kim Minjun nor the extravagant life of Kim Minjun. But just… the life of Kim Minjun -- his best friend, the first person to approach him in that soccer field, and now the first person to leave.
I’m sorry, Minjun-ah…
//
Taecyeon
Sent 1:35 pm
I’m in the Colosseum, fufufu
Nichkhun couldn’t help but to laugh out loud at the text he just received. He typed a quick reply, telling his friend to get a haircut while he’s in enjoying his vacation in Italy.
“Khun-ah, another set?”
Nichkhun looked up and nodded in response as he wiped the sweat on his forehead with a towel. He took a gulp of his water bottle and jogged back towards the court after putting his phone back in his bag.
It hasn’t been a walk in a park to get to where he is right now. He couldn’t pick up a racket for months, even with Taecyeon’s constant nagging and begging, citing that he wants to take up badminton to get fit. Nichkhun was a lifeless shell of a human soul for a while, afraid to return to badminton because it reminded him of what Minjun said -- that he doesn’t know what he wants. He continued to go through the motion of merely eating, breathing, and socializing when absolutely necessary until one day… he began to run. He ran along the Han River for miles until he couldn’t feel his legs and that’s when he knew -- he needed to return to his sport. Maybe badminton is what he truly wants and he figured that he’ll never know until he focuses and tries.
He moved to a smaller apartment, located within walking distance to the badminton court. He’s been practicing day in and day out, getting ready for a tryout in Thailand to be an official member of his country’s Olympic team. In between practice, Taecyeon has taken him around the world as the two traveled everywhere and anywhere their wallet allows. In fact, the giant is due to return to South Korea a few days before Nichkhun is leaving for Thailand for the tryout because Taecyeon wanted to experience the country with a native and also to provide moral support for Khun.
Nichkhun lifted his racket and took a deep breath.
I miss you, Minjun-ah~ you’ll cheer for me from up there, right?
And without waiting for an answer, he served.
Main Character: Nichkhun, Jun. K
Pairing: Khun. K | TaecKhun
Rating: PG - cursing
Warnings: N/A
Word count: 4,320
Prompt 1: “Can you imagine that, an itch too sensitive to scratch.” Crowded House - Fingers of Love
Prompt 2: http://25.media.tumblr.com/41398ec91df27ef7cc9cebe8e1d1b7e7/tumblr_n00g5lmZSY1sfhaelo2_250.gif
Prompt 3: Obsession
================================================================
전부 제자릴 찾으면
널 그리워할 수 조차 없을까봐
오늘도 이렇게 살아
[Because if I put everything back in place,
I’m afraid I won’t miss you.
So... again today, I live like this.]
It wasn't normal. It was spiraling itself out of control into an abyss of self-destruction or simply driving itself up a rocky path and off a high cliff. But Nichkhun thought it was nothing short of exhilaration for Minjun.
And then he was gone.
He thought he would be able to save him. He thought that he would be better than that - that he would be different from the others.
//
“Khun!”
Nichkhun turned to the source of the voice yet, he was still able to save the shuttlecock. Badminton prodigy, they call him.
Panting from the intense badminton session, Nichkhun walked towards Chansung who was waving his phone at him. Thanks, he mouthed as he received the phone call.
“Hello, is this B-Buck?” The voice sounded unsure and hesitant to say the word Buck.
Nichkhun moaned. Who is it this time? No one ever calls him Buck. No one.
“Yes?”
Nichkhun heard drunk whines from the background.
“Your friend Jun Kay is here -”
Right maybe there is this one person who would call him Buck. But never on a normal basis.
“Where do I find you?” Nichkhun cuts him off. He knew very well what the other party was going to say.
Each time, he promises himself it will be the last time he becomes Minjun’s knight and each time, he just couldn't bear to do it.
After a few loud, off-key shrill of Pharrell’s Happy and a few trash can visits, they made it to Nichkhun’s apartment and finally into his bedroom. It definitely isn’t easy to handle unsober Minjun throwing all kinds of teases and drunk tantrums at him.
“Alexandra, come on, let’s do it again...” Minjun gripped Nichkhun’s wrist just as he was about to leave the bed. “Just one last time, I promise, I promise, come here...”
Heavy feelings started arising in Nichkhun. Disappointment, anger, sadness, mostly conflicted emotions. The last time they had a discussion, that was what Minjun had promised. In fact, that is what he says all the time. He says it all the time Nichkhun started to believe it won’t ever happen.
Sometimes Nichkhun feels that maybe things aren’t worth salvaging anymore. He tries to reason it out all the time but he fails terribly. He peered at Minjun’s face. So young, so wasted.
“Jimi Hendrix?” Nichkhun remembered the gleam in his eyes that quickly shifted into suspicion as he flipped through the pages of the biography, “What are you trying to tell me, Khun-ah?” Nichkhun also remembered deflecting the accusation with a shrug, hoping that his best friend understood the parallel he was trying to hint at.
“He’s a legend. He changed music forever, Khun-ah.”
Ah, so you did read it, Nichkhun thought to himself a few months after as he tried his best to ignore the strong scent of liquor mixed with the remnants of whatever he had for dinner that was graciously regurgitated onto Nichkhun’s shoes.
“When will I ever be like him?”
Well at this rate, you’re closer than you think, Nichkhun thought as he rolled down the passenger window, letting the music of Seoul night traffic drown the incoherent mumblings.
They arrived at his apartment not long after where he dragged Minjun’s limp body up the stairs to his bedroom. “I’d rather you be nobody than end up like him, Minjun ah,” Nichkhun whispered as he rolled Minjun’s body onto the bed. He stopped in his track before closing the door and caught a glimpse of an innocent face that reminded him of the first time he met Minjun.
//
“Hey! Can you please pass the ball back to us?” A boy with small eyes and bright smile shouted in the direction of the benches where he sees a figure sitting in the middle one. He jogs over at the same time in an attempt to retrieve the soccer ball back before it rolls too quickly and out of sight.
Nichkhun has already been watching their game for the past thirty minutes and was ready to fetch the ball for the group of guys even without the boy calling out to him. He stopped the ball with his right foot and reached to pick it up.
“You’re new, right?”
Nichkhun looked up to find a pair of curious eyes looking down at him. He had just moved to Daegu with his father a few weeks ago and today was his first day of fourth grade.
It took him a good three seconds to register and understand what the boy was saying. “Y… ye… yes,” he finally stuttered in English - his second mother language as he spent part of his childhood in Southern California before moving back to Thailand.
“Ah… you don’t speak Korean at all?” that same pair of eyes continued to examine Nichkhun, making him feel rather violated. “That’s okay. Hyung is gonna take care of you,” Nichkhun felt a reassuring pat on his back, “Owkay?” he added in an exaggerated English.
Nichkhun later found out that his name is Minjun and the two quickly became best friends. The two were inseparable as Minjun showed him the ropes of living in Korea. Nichkhun was an obedient and a quick learner as he integrated into the Korean society to the point where nobody would be able to tell that he’s Chinese Thai from first glance.
“Kim Nichkhun-ssi!” Minjun liked to say as he waited for Nichkhun to come out of his house so they can leave for school together.
“Minjun-ah, I got an offer to join a badminton club in Seoul,” Nichkhun began as they walked towards their high school.
“Whoa! That’s amazing!” Minjun attacked him with a hug, “In Seoul? Waaa… daebak.”
“It might lead to other things but I don’t know… should I accept it?” Nichkhun inquired, unsure. Moving to Daegu from Thailand was already a big move and he’s not sure if he wants to make another move on his own. Besides, he’s only visited Seoul a few times and it seems worlds apart from the life he has down here.
“Yah what are you even asking, you punk!” Minjun slapped the back of his head, “When a golden opportunity like that is being offered, you take it! No questions asked!”
Nichkhun and Minjun then began to plan their big move to Seoul after their high school graduation in between studying for the final exam. They spent nights cramming, which was more of Nichkhun studying and Minjun being distracted with his newest musical obsession. “Listen to this. Waaa… that beat is sick,” he’d often say as he shove his headphone towards Nichkhun’s often unwilling ears.
Life in Seoul was fast, moments were transient, and it seemed like things were moving in warp speed. Living away from the family meant more alone time but it also meant more responsibilities.
Nichkhun was faster at learning and adapting to the Seoul and the different accent, since he was accustomed to changing environments and learning new languages at a young age. Although he was more prone to mixing the dialects when he speaks, something that some girls - noonas, particularly - found incredibly cute. Minjun, on the other hand, tend to let his Daegu accent slip out. Many thought he was humorous.
They were mere teenagers, and naturally, they wanted to have the time of their lives and live their lives to the fullest, as cliche as that may sound. The two of them had strong urges to try everything.
Nichkhun was praised for many things he never thought he would be good at. The Thai boy made a name for himself in university by being a jack-of-all-trades. He earned scholarships and was able to spend all his time in his academics and extracurricular activities.
Minjun was devoted in his music. No one ever saw him without his headphones and statement fashion pieces. He was great with people and worked part time as a bartender. Initially, it was a way to earn him money to support his college, living expenses and to invest in music devices. Then, it became a way for him to buy status goods and network. Because to him, those two things come hand in hand.
And that was when things started to change.
“This is it man. You have to come with me. There’s nothing better than this.“ That was how he got Nichkhun to make his first visit to one of the most popular clubs in Seoul. That night, they went wild. It wasn’t the first time for Minjun, but it certainly was for Nichkhun and he had to admit that it was indeed exhilarating.
What Nichkhun didn’t know was that that was the day Minjun snorted his first cocaine.
Nichkhun often wondered how it was like to be truly passionate about something as much as Minjun who would invest everything he has for a single love. He would often find himself going through the motion like a robot. Sure, he was good at badminton but it was just different, he liked it, was good at it but not to the extent of being obsessed with it. He was good at many things, in fact - almost like he has an inverted form of Midas’ touch where everything he touch, he masters almost immediately and without much effort. The question is not what Nichkhun is good at but what he’s not good at. He grew up with sports, so he took on music and quickly mastered piano and guitar. So he moved on to photography and filmmaking - he even won a competition where he won a bundle of expensive DSLR and the gears. And now he’s merely going around, keeping his many abilities in check while not feeling particularly passionate about one. It seemed like the more choices he had, the more tempting it was for him to change because the grass seem to always look greener on the other side.
“You’re like a Nomad, Khun-ah. You keep going round and round, round and round~” Minjun slurred one night when Nichkhun found him in the club, “Soon you’ll be dizzy and… boom….” he continued, “You’ll collapse. Eotteoke?”
I hope you’ll catch me when that day comes, Minjun-ah, Khun responded in his silence, feeling dejected as the lack of something in the middle of everything he has began to dawn on him.
//
Wasted is the word that comes to mind when Nichkhun reminisced upon the life of Kim Minjun. All those hopes and dreams - all the visions accumulated when they were young… wasted. Minjun just seemed so done with it, and Nichkhun tried to convince himself that he is so done with Minjun. People work very hard to get to Minjun’s level, yet that kid (yes he is older, still) does it so effortlessly. He was admirable in Nichkhun’s eyes. Was… and still is.
But what can Nichkhun do when the love he offers isn’t what Minjun wants to accept?
Talking to him was difficult. Minjun would complain about how Nichkhun doesn’t understand. Other times, he doesn’t mention say anything at all. It was heartbreaking. At least on Nichkhun’s part as the one who watches.
As for Minjun, maybe he is hurting from drinking and regurgitating the content of his stomach on a too-frequent basis. Or he is just too unsober for his brain to function or heart to feel anything else but booze, drugs, and girls.
Their relationship is definitely different now. Nichkhun can’t help but wonder if he is the only one who sees that despite numerous attempts to convince himself that it is still them against the world.
//
How many times has it been? Nichkhun had lost count.
“What the fuck Nichkhun?!” Jun. K yelled at the top of his voice when Nichkhun barged into the room and pulls the girl out of the house without saying a word. Minjun hadn’t returned home for days and when Nichkhun found his stash of cocaine tucked at the corner of his closet, he flushed it all down the toilet bowl without a single concern.
Of course the addict was mad when he found out. But so was Nichkhun. There is a limit to his tolerance.
“First you ruin my plans by destroying my stash of coke. Now you chase her away! Do you know how expensive those are? Do you know how hard I tried to get her?!”
“Don’t fucking yell at me!” I don’t deserve this, Nichkhun thought, you don’t deserve this.
“Oh yeah? Then whose fault is it?!”
“You’re blaming me now? If you want to continue this lifestyle, move out! I don’t want someone I don’t recognise in my house.”
“What’s wrong with how I live? At least I’m pursuing what I like.”
“How are all these drugs going to help you? I’d really like to know, Kim Minjun. Enlighten me,” Nichkhun struggled to control the air of utter annoyance and sarcasm in his words.
“Just because it’s not a lifestyle you want, doesn’t mean it’s wrong!” Minjun came right in front of him, waiting for a full on battle. “You really don’t know anything about the real world, do you? Never really been passionate about anything at all. All you do is go to school, practice badminton, try to fare well in everything but never decide what you actually really want to do with yourself, never ever been devoted to anything at all. You’re just a naive, lost kid who’s trying to play in the big leagues. Stop it. Stop trying to control me. You don’t even have your life figured out.”
So this was what his best friend really thought of him. It felt like a jab to his gut and a sting to his chest. Nichkhun tried to say something -- a witty comeback about how at least he’s not the one wasting his money on a small bag of white powder and girls who are about as safe as girls in Las Vegas. But no words came out, because he knew what Minjun said is partially true. And the ugly truth left him speechless.
//
Minjun
Sent 1:06am
Horvejkul I’m sorry. I m iss you. I nee d to talk to you
Minjun
Sent 1:10am
Don’t igno r e me ple ase.
Each time Nichkhun revisited those text messages, he felt like a wind is blowing through the hole in his heart -- like the spaces in between Minjun’s words. And the widening distance that cannot be made up for any longer.
//
“Are you trying to be like him?”
“W-What?” Nichkhun turns to his right. Oh. Blurry. Everything is blurry, he thought to himself as he struggled to open his eyes. All he could make out is a tall figure with his bangs combed back. He wondered if it’s the alcohol or he simply has just never seen this person before. What was he saying? Nichkhun squinted his eyes.
“I remember seeing you fuming when you were here to fetch your friend.” It was something like contained anger and it was obvious in his eyes, Taecyeon remembered clearly. Nichkhun has skin as white as snow and a pair of bright eyes. His face now is as red as how he had first saw him. His non-Korean Korean accent confirms it. This is how Taecyeon remembered.
“What’s the matter with you?” Nichkhun exploded. “Who are you talking about? What do you know?”
Taecyeon had not expected Nichkhun to share his story. I guess alcohol makes people do things, he shrugs. Most of all, he had not expected Minjun’s plight. At all. It was foreseeable, but it was such a pity, he thought.
“He pleaded for my help, and I- I wasn’t even there,” Nichkhun wiped a tear on his cheek with the back of his hand. “Didn’t make it in time.”
“I wanted so many times to do something for him. Do you know how horrible it is? To feel so powerless. With him on guard, on defense mode all the time. To know something like this was gonna happen to one of the most important person of my life. I just--”
“I knew it, I just knew it,” before Nichkhun could put the glass of alcohol to his lips, Taecyeon swiped it away.
“Enough,” Taecyeon said quietly, placing a hand on Nichkhun’s shoulder. Because he knows. He understands it so well.
//
Taecyeon reminds Nichkhun of Minjun in that he’s someone he is thankful for. Someone who has been through a similar experience. Maybe that’s one of the reasons he decided to open up to the bartender. He doesn’t know how Taecyeon pulled himself back on track. Sometimes Nichkhun thinks he doesn’t care to know because all he wants is to remember the time he had with Minjun when he was still around. And pulling himself together again would perhaps mean forgetting his best friend. He really doesn’t want that. It was part guilt, and part love.
Things reminded him of Minjun not just because he has shared most of his life with Minjun -- not just because Minjun has been there at every stage of his life so far. He had figured that it was Minjun’s obsession and devotion with music that led him to this state. Although he has to give it to him that it was definitely something admirable. He still thanks Minjun for being the inspirational figure for the most part of his life. It is something he has never been able to do. And now that things went it the wrong direction, it just makes it works.
Sometimes Nichkhun thinks it’s intriguing how the things that built up Minjun’s soul, made him a wonderful person, literally took his soul away. And now Nichkhun has to live with the void that’s left behind.
“You just have to look ahead,” Taecyeon answered when Nichkhun asked him how he moved on after losing his fiancee in a helicopter accident that took the life of his two best friends as well.
Taecyeon had just finished his shift at the bar and had stopped by Nichkhun’s apartment, wanting to grab dinner. He was not stunned to find a pale-faced, dark-circled Nichkhun coming out of the doors, but he had not expected Khun’s question. It had been nearly three months since Taecyeon rescued the distraught Nichkhun from the power of alcohol that his employers provided, and everyday, he made it his mission to help -- to be there for the guy who looked like lost puppy who fell into a ditch. When Nichkhun wasn’t zoned out, their conversations flowed naturally as they switch languages between English and Korean. He hadn’t expected to find a friend in the drunk guy at the bar, and yet here he was… answering a question about something that still felt sore even after all these years.
“I keep wondering why I wasn’t the one who sat by the door and why I let her be so vulnerable to the danger,” Taecyeon continued bitterly. “But I just have to keep going. It’s what she would want me to do, it’s what they would want me to do.”
“Winston Churchill said--” Taecyeon began and Nichkhun couldn’t help but to laugh at the reference Taecyeon chose to use - how befitting of the history nerd that lied underneath the macho bartender facade, “--‘If you’re going through hell, keep going.’”
“Staying in hell would burn you up to ashes. Not scratching that itch that’s too sensitive to scratch won’t make it go away either. You just have to… keep going,” Taecyeon finished.
But it’s not easy, Nichkhun responded in his head.
“It’s alright, buddy. You’ll get there,” Taecyeon smiled, as if he read Nichkhun’s mind. “Let’s go get foooooooooooooooood~” he continued to chirp as he started the engine of his car and turned on the CD player, wanting to lighten the somber mood.
“In time I won't hear what you say.
In time, but time takes time you know.”
Ben Folds’ airy voice echoed through every corner of the car, all the way into Nichkhun’s innermost as he began to ponder if it’s time to scratch that itch and let it heal.
//
Tik… tok… tik… tok…
Nichkhun stared at the ceiling of his room, suddenly aware of the silence. No sound of Minjun humping some girl in the other room. No sound of Minjun singing his way through the day. No sound of Minjun experimenting with his music until dawn. No sound of Minjun regurgitating the contents of his stomach after Nichkhun dragged his drunk ass home.
No sound.
Nothing but the sound of the ticking analogue clock that Minjun had always loathed. “Khun-ah~ get a digital clock. Look at this one. It has a built-in iPod dock!” he’d say as he pointed to his laptop.
Nichkhun couldn’t help but to chuckle at the memory. Minjun-ah~ I miss you, he whispered.
He stood up and walked towards the room across the hall. He was greeted by a familiar musk that still lingered in the midst of the messy bed and the clutter in that room. It still looked the same. He had asked Minjun’s mom to let him be the one to clean up the room. It’s been almost four months and yet this is the first time he’s ever stepped foot in this room.
If everything in his life reminded him of Minjun, then this room is the epicenter of the memory. Minjun’s keyboard, synthesizer, iMac, clothes -- all of those goddamned patterned clothes that would often make Khun shiver. “Your hoodie is screaming at me,” he’d often jokingly complained when Minjun wore one of his crazy printed apparel.
“I think… I think it’s time for me to clean up, Minjun-ah…” Nichkhun began to speak out loud to the empty room as he sat down on the messy bed, taking in every last bit of Kim Minjun that he could get.
He sighed.
He stood up with the intention of walking out to the kitchen to fetch empty boxes but something finally snapped inside him and he began to silently cry.
Like a movie, memories of his time with Minjun began to play in his head. Their late night escapade to ddeokbeokki stalls followed by Minjun’s endless tirade about how much he wants to make his own ddeokbeokki shop - Daegu Smile Ddeokbeokki. Their first bus ride to Seoul together, followed by their first day living in Seoul. The first DJing gig that Minjun ever booked. The first badminton match that Nichkhun won for his university. The first day they moved into a new apartment followed by Nichkhun almost setting it on fire when he forgot to turn off his candles before he went to sleep. The nights they’d stay up to marathon a TV show. And the last night they spent together, when Minjun had blurted out those harsh truth and Nichkhun had left without goodbye.
I’m sorry, Minjun-ah, Nichkhun’s tears continued to fall as he allowed his head to rest on the pillow that smelled like a mix of hair gel and alcohol.
That night, the silence seemed so loud as Nichkhun allowed himself to be still and truly weep for the life that was Kim Minjun. Not the wasted life of Kim Minjun nor the extravagant life of Kim Minjun. But just… the life of Kim Minjun -- his best friend, the first person to approach him in that soccer field, and now the first person to leave.
I’m sorry, Minjun-ah…
//
Taecyeon
Sent 1:35 pm
I’m in the Colosseum, fufufu
Nichkhun couldn’t help but to laugh out loud at the text he just received. He typed a quick reply, telling his friend to get a haircut while he’s in enjoying his vacation in Italy.
“Khun-ah, another set?”
Nichkhun looked up and nodded in response as he wiped the sweat on his forehead with a towel. He took a gulp of his water bottle and jogged back towards the court after putting his phone back in his bag.
It hasn’t been a walk in a park to get to where he is right now. He couldn’t pick up a racket for months, even with Taecyeon’s constant nagging and begging, citing that he wants to take up badminton to get fit. Nichkhun was a lifeless shell of a human soul for a while, afraid to return to badminton because it reminded him of what Minjun said -- that he doesn’t know what he wants. He continued to go through the motion of merely eating, breathing, and socializing when absolutely necessary until one day… he began to run. He ran along the Han River for miles until he couldn’t feel his legs and that’s when he knew -- he needed to return to his sport. Maybe badminton is what he truly wants and he figured that he’ll never know until he focuses and tries.
He moved to a smaller apartment, located within walking distance to the badminton court. He’s been practicing day in and day out, getting ready for a tryout in Thailand to be an official member of his country’s Olympic team. In between practice, Taecyeon has taken him around the world as the two traveled everywhere and anywhere their wallet allows. In fact, the giant is due to return to South Korea a few days before Nichkhun is leaving for Thailand for the tryout because Taecyeon wanted to experience the country with a native and also to provide moral support for Khun.
Nichkhun lifted his racket and took a deep breath.
I miss you, Minjun-ah~ you’ll cheer for me from up there, right?
And without waiting for an answer, he served.