To see me ..the way I see me.
That would be tough, honestly. I'm like a hard shell to break, to peek in and see. Whatever you may think is the 'real' me, is most likely wrong. I can't be real, not even to myself. I'm so lost in my own world, literally, that I cannot even focus on who I am. Right now, is like a side of myself breaking off and floating into this abyss of self-struggle and doubt. WHY NOW?! When all is falling into place, it breaks down and becomes much heavier. Instead of just leaving me alone. I am TRYING to rebuild, but how can I when I'm not even sure if it is working. Sure, I have a car and a lisence..a nice job that I am progressing well in..but what else is there?
Have I succumbed to the every day? The life I swore I would never live. I bet you think it is happiness I would assume to feel, but for some insane reason, I am fed the complete opposite. As if I have some sort of splinter in my side and can't find the end or the beginning. A constant battle where I am going to lose. I have positive thoughts but even they are so drenched that I couldn't even begin to sift through the pages.
So much bullshit and facade that I fear to wake up and maybe see everything a fraction more clear. That would be the death of me, I think. To finally see the world in all its glory. I don't think I could handle it, handle that. It would be like someone handing me a piece of burning ember and asking me to hold it as long as I can, because I would drop it in a fraction of a second. That is what would happen, my mind would go, shut down, be completely deleted. It's not that I'm not capable, its because I fear Life.
I know most of you that read this either know me or don't and quite frankly, I don't give a fuck. I'm tired of pretending. I'm tired of acting like I'm some fucking dumbass child who doesn't know anything about the world, or never tells anyone how she's really feeling. Because I don't. That is the honest truth. Everything I have ever written in this journal has been the most childish ramble I have ever seen. But it came out because of that fear once again.
I don't deny being naive or immature, because I am. That makes me feel as if I am so fucking far behind everyone. I know that I am, because I have spent basically my whole life looking for this stupid fucking love bullshit. I keep kidding myself. I always think I see it and I don't. That's why I just got my car, my lisence, why I have a pretty good job. Because I never focused on myself. That's why I laugh at these fuckers who say I am self absored and selfish. Because if you even knew the first fucking thing about me, you'd stick both feet in your mouth.
Life is like a merry-go-round. You get on knowing that you are so lucky to ride, but that first bitter few minutes feel like paradise, as you start to get dizzy and the next thing you know you are yelling for it to stop, that you want to get off--that you have had enough. I'm sure many of you, as have I, know that road is very familiar, and very tempting. But is it worth it? Stopping. I'm never sure anymore.
I don't even know what else to say.
Have I succumbed to the every day? The life I swore I would never live. I bet you think it is happiness I would assume to feel, but for some insane reason, I am fed the complete opposite. As if I have some sort of splinter in my side and can't find the end or the beginning. A constant battle where I am going to lose. I have positive thoughts but even they are so drenched that I couldn't even begin to sift through the pages.
So much bullshit and facade that I fear to wake up and maybe see everything a fraction more clear. That would be the death of me, I think. To finally see the world in all its glory. I don't think I could handle it, handle that. It would be like someone handing me a piece of burning ember and asking me to hold it as long as I can, because I would drop it in a fraction of a second. That is what would happen, my mind would go, shut down, be completely deleted. It's not that I'm not capable, its because I fear Life.
I know most of you that read this either know me or don't and quite frankly, I don't give a fuck. I'm tired of pretending. I'm tired of acting like I'm some fucking dumbass child who doesn't know anything about the world, or never tells anyone how she's really feeling. Because I don't. That is the honest truth. Everything I have ever written in this journal has been the most childish ramble I have ever seen. But it came out because of that fear once again.
I don't deny being naive or immature, because I am. That makes me feel as if I am so fucking far behind everyone. I know that I am, because I have spent basically my whole life looking for this stupid fucking love bullshit. I keep kidding myself. I always think I see it and I don't. That's why I just got my car, my lisence, why I have a pretty good job. Because I never focused on myself. That's why I laugh at these fuckers who say I am self absored and selfish. Because if you even knew the first fucking thing about me, you'd stick both feet in your mouth.
Life is like a merry-go-round. You get on knowing that you are so lucky to ride, but that first bitter few minutes feel like paradise, as you start to get dizzy and the next thing you know you are yelling for it to stop, that you want to get off--that you have had enough. I'm sure many of you, as have I, know that road is very familiar, and very tempting. But is it worth it? Stopping. I'm never sure anymore.
I don't even know what else to say.