(no subject)
I am horrible at having a live journal.
It is weird. I don't come onto live journal to update I come on to read what is going on with everyone else. But today I saw something that really made me think. I can't even begin to count the number of small instances that have affected my life as a whole. Then I see something and it takes me all back to the beginning instance that began it all. That is what that one picture was. It was so crazy. Why did he chose that time to confide in ME? It was like he knew but I know he had no idea. I had played it off so long but in the back of my mind I always wondered why it had ended the way it did. I thought this is the beginning and well I was right, but so wrong for thinking that because so many others thought that way. Was I a horrible person for wanting it to happen all along. Am I horrible, do they all hate me or have the same resent I do, would there be what I have but for someone else if things would have gone better for someone who had my ideals? Was she a bad person for taking what I thought should have been in the first place. No the bigger question is, if it had become what it is then would it be what it is now? Was I ready? Was he ready? Am I ready? Does it matter if I am ready? If it had happened when I wanted it to would we be this or them? What would have happened if it had not happened before that week. I remember hearing things, that sound like what he has said but are they sincere or just comments to make me feel special. AM I DIFFERENT, or is the sitution, and the happenings just different. Are these just thoughts that I am having cause I fear having that one thing happen that has never happened to me before.I don't think I would be the same person I consider myself to be, right now. Should I tell him the whole story? Will he think that I am no better than the person he had criticized the night before this all started.I was doing the same thing just not telling other people my intentions. Should I tell him everything else. Can I tell him anything at all. That one moment he confided in me changed everything. I remember that so well.
I didn't write this cause it should be understood by anyone reading it, it is because I have never feel like this but I want to cry thinking about what it would be like if it wasn't like this. Really it is so general I don't even expect anyone to stay interested.
These are all thoughts that I had when I saw that one picture, I think that if it had been a different time another one would be there, one I hated seeing before and I would hate seeing now.
I wonder everyday what goes on in her head about it all, I don;t know why, I think I was so mad at the time I felt robbed, I am angry, and still in a way feel robbed.
Thinking about this so much makes afraid of what could happen because I realize that if things turn out for the worse then maybe I will be her and someone else will be me. They will feel what I feel right now, and I will feel like her only i think the emotion will be worse because it is more real. Not that what had been to her or them wasn't butI think this time around maybe it is just more so. Looking at what I have and it is totally different to me then the way that she presented it, that is what makes it so real to me, and what made it seem so unreal then. I can't tell the future. How do I know this will all matter. I was warned that minds or a mind can be changed or does change all the time, I was told not to bother. Do they still think that, do they think differently. This has to be a generalization, to much can be hurt by direct comments.
Sorry
There is more but it is already too much.
It is weird. I don't come onto live journal to update I come on to read what is going on with everyone else. But today I saw something that really made me think. I can't even begin to count the number of small instances that have affected my life as a whole. Then I see something and it takes me all back to the beginning instance that began it all. That is what that one picture was. It was so crazy. Why did he chose that time to confide in ME? It was like he knew but I know he had no idea. I had played it off so long but in the back of my mind I always wondered why it had ended the way it did. I thought this is the beginning and well I was right, but so wrong for thinking that because so many others thought that way. Was I a horrible person for wanting it to happen all along. Am I horrible, do they all hate me or have the same resent I do, would there be what I have but for someone else if things would have gone better for someone who had my ideals? Was she a bad person for taking what I thought should have been in the first place. No the bigger question is, if it had become what it is then would it be what it is now? Was I ready? Was he ready? Am I ready? Does it matter if I am ready? If it had happened when I wanted it to would we be this or them? What would have happened if it had not happened before that week. I remember hearing things, that sound like what he has said but are they sincere or just comments to make me feel special. AM I DIFFERENT, or is the sitution, and the happenings just different. Are these just thoughts that I am having cause I fear having that one thing happen that has never happened to me before.I don't think I would be the same person I consider myself to be, right now. Should I tell him the whole story? Will he think that I am no better than the person he had criticized the night before this all started.I was doing the same thing just not telling other people my intentions. Should I tell him everything else. Can I tell him anything at all. That one moment he confided in me changed everything. I remember that so well.
I didn't write this cause it should be understood by anyone reading it, it is because I have never feel like this but I want to cry thinking about what it would be like if it wasn't like this. Really it is so general I don't even expect anyone to stay interested.
These are all thoughts that I had when I saw that one picture, I think that if it had been a different time another one would be there, one I hated seeing before and I would hate seeing now.
I wonder everyday what goes on in her head about it all, I don;t know why, I think I was so mad at the time I felt robbed, I am angry, and still in a way feel robbed.
Thinking about this so much makes afraid of what could happen because I realize that if things turn out for the worse then maybe I will be her and someone else will be me. They will feel what I feel right now, and I will feel like her only i think the emotion will be worse because it is more real. Not that what had been to her or them wasn't butI think this time around maybe it is just more so. Looking at what I have and it is totally different to me then the way that she presented it, that is what makes it so real to me, and what made it seem so unreal then. I can't tell the future. How do I know this will all matter. I was warned that minds or a mind can be changed or does change all the time, I was told not to bother. Do they still think that, do they think differently. This has to be a generalization, to much can be hurt by direct comments.
Sorry
There is more but it is already too much.