(no subject)
Okay so I'm still a little resentful about Jay, I have to be honest here. I know enough to leave him alone because he's happier without me, but that's all it is right now, I just can't understand why I'm so unattractive to him, I don't know if that has anything to do with it actually. I wish I knew the answer. I miss him so much some times. There's just nothing left, I have no answers and I have no control. I shouldn't even feel this way, the way he acted in the end, I didn't really deserve that. Even if I wasn't perfect at least I always tried to be there for him, no I was far from perfect, but I thought that he understood me and loved me anyway, it's like I'm living in a fairy tale some times because reality is just too painful. I can't stand that he has to disappear with no explanation, I don't really get it honestly. So enough time has passed that I should be able to let go, but that just isn't happening. He meant a lot more to me than I ever care to admit to anyone. I'm not really sure why, noone else was either, but I did love him, I still do. I just can't go near him, but I feel the same. I hate that I still feel this way, I just want to stop caring, like he seems to be so good at doing. I have no clue what I'm supposed to do for that to happen though. You know, I just miss the way he used to be, not the way he is now. I miss that feeling I used to have when I didn't feel alone in the world. I knew he loved me, I knew when he stopped, and I knew that it was my fault when he stopped, I knew when every time we hung out it was just some pretentious act, trying to make something happen that just wasn't there anymore, not for him I mean, maybe he thought he was helping, I'm not really sure. I just can't break myself from thinking this way..