(no subject)
My heart hurts...it never stops hurting and causing me tears at night. All I can do is wait cause any temporary fix only makes it ten times worse in the end. I can live a fulfilling life and be in pain at the same time. When I talked to him or seen him I just physically start shaking, there is nothing there for me anymore. If I never felt the way I had this wouldn't be so hard and I would be over it by now, unfortunate that were never true. I'd rather be devoid of emotion. It's not so bad not so bad not so bad. I can't pretend it's ok, it's not ok. I'm wasting space in my head thinking about it. Time heals pain only if you don't try to control it and just let it be. Feels like a battlefield. He said he loves me because he's a sociopath, he meant nothing he ever said to me. He was never worth my affection, not even a thought. I'll always have a place for him in my heart anyway though because I believed it, I hope he's really happy now. I wish I could see things clearly for what they are like how everyone else sees it. There's something wrong that doesn't seem to ever go away, regressing is ok with me and moving forward is just too hard I guess. My thinking is completely off, I know it is. I'm really scared I'm going to fall even worse. If I stopped being repressed something would change, I just can't. I have so much fear that won't go away.