(no subject)
So I got high with Julian for the first time the other night.
I was hesitant about doing it, more so because I can tell he had been waiting for this.
Julian has known me for quite a while, he’s also known me to be a heavy drinker and a heavy smoker.
I’m the party girl, who keeps it together, but slips on the ice here and there.
He’s been there a few times to watch and catch me fall.
I was hesitant about doing it because I was supposed to be the designated driver.
It’s one thing to pretend that I’m just playing Gran Turismo, but it’s another thing when you’re responsible for three more passengers, you’re driving someone else’s vehicle, and there’s snow on the ground
I was hesitant about doing it because I didn’t want it to get weird.
Julian and I have a flow and I would never want to disrupt that flow with doing something stupid
But I did it.
We did it.
I could tell by the look on his face as he hit that blunt that this was not a good idea.
However, I continued to smoke.
I got pretty buzzed. I could have gotten buzzed just standing there with them, the last time I smoked was months ago.
I remember feeling it.
That rush to my brain, the tingling in my fingertips, the quickened pace of my heartbeat, the cold flushing across my heated cheeks, the itchy cough coming up, the tickling of my fly away hair tucked behind my ear and I remember loving every second of it.
When I’m high I’m the type of person that likes to take everything, and I mean EVERYTHING in.
Then she opens her mouth to share.
I remained my quirky, free spirited self, with the additional two doses of assertiveness.
When I’m high I’m a little more logical, but in a more than humorous way.
I think of things, crazy things, then try to capture my audience and bring them into my world with my speedy speech.
I don’t care if it results in a laughter, tears, or a ‘what the fuck’ my purpose was to share.
I’m a pleaser. I can’t help it.
But I became quieter as I felt Julian staring at me.
I quickly stopped enjoying being high and clicked into ‘Communication Analysis Mode’ and it pissed me off that I was allowing myself to do it.
I love my abilities, but also hate them.
Julian wasn’t talking, so I had to subtly observe and figure out why.
I soon discovered it was because he was listening, intently, closely, and quietly. Just listening and watching
It bothered me.
I didn’t like his comments, “interesting” “insightful” “hardcore” “pro”
I felt like a human guinea pig and he was the Head Technician of the lab
I feel as though he boosted this whole moment up in his mind, had expectations and checking them off as each one was being fulfilled.
I couldn’t just be me. My high me.
I felt like I was being tested and I was missing out on the experience of just being high with Julian.
It made me want to just get out of the car and walk around in the cold and not come back.
Just leave the boys in the car without a word.
I would have been happy just getting away from the watchful eye.
My purpose for getting high is to get away.
Breathe. Have a good time, away from reality.
I couldn’t do that with Julian and it slowly began to ruin my buzz.
I also didn’t like the dishonesty.
I was under the impression that it was just going to be him and I, which made me more than excited, but then it ended up being two of his other friends.
Don’t get me wrong, I love small groups, but I don’t like how the information was subtly given to me and if it weren’t for my careful observations, I would have been more than shocked when I walked outside
I also didn’t like how I was used as a taxi driver, yet there were no official plans
I didn’t mind just driving around, it would have been more fun to actually do something or go somewhere
I was going to suggest going to Omar’s room, but his level of highness was unique to the group
He reminded me of an anxious 8 year old, who needed attention so saying absurd and almost incoherent comments was top of the priority list
It didn’t work.
I feel as though he gets most of the female attention by being overly immature, ah the life in residence halls.
After I noticed Omar’s behavior I couldn’t help but acknowledge Saed’s.
I shared my thoughts on him to Julian and this was when it was confirmed in my mind that Julian was in it for the insightful ride.
He had nothing to contribute to the conversation because he was so enthralled with watching me.
I felt tricked.
I felt that an invitation for a fun time turned into a big social trick.
So I tricked back…
I used Gabriel.
I made myself appear more than consumed with this boy. Even though the way I feel about Gabriel is set in stone, but Julian is confused yet fascinated by these feelings I still possess.
I made it seem like my feelings for Gabriel were a little more than friendly.
I saw Julian’s annoyance.
Patted myself on the back.
I was angry that he could be so sly.
I don’t like tricky and deceiving situations
I’m too open of a person, thus I expect the same open, honest interactions in return
I didn’t get that.
Thus retaliated.
Julian eventually decided to leave as the car grew cold, quiet and held a whisper of rejection.
As he drove off, 10 minutes later Gabriel showed up.
The lovesick smile disappeared and I was able to be real and down to earth with someone.
Something I’d been waiting to do all night with someone.
Love the one who is over the games, because surely by now she’s a professional player ready for retirement,
Christen Henry