Selfish Like That
Mother is mad at me. Saying I should go out more, saying I should take care of myself for yes - my health has been declining. She says she meets 8 year old girls who are more down to earth then I am, which really shouldn't come acroos as a surprise.
What can I say? This is how I learnt to deal with my life - when in doubt, shut it out (and about now Ilana should be having a sympathic moment XD). It was once sad, now it's just habit. There's no need for any sort of emotion to be involved.
The computer isn't to be blamed, before the computer it was the streets, and unvacated houses' yards I would visit just in order to be alone. I could sit for hours thinking, I could pace around for hours thinking, even as a toddler of three, I could drown myself in my own small world. I can go about in circles my whole life, won't be exciting, but I can. The computer intrigues my thoughts, the internet allows me to share them... but bottom line I am just a thinker. I live in a virtual world.
My need for society is as it as never been. When I was young I could cry with self pity, hell, I was all about self pity for not being the coolest kid with all the friends. Now I have my friends, but what do you do with friends? There's a question. You go out? I can go out by myself alright. You converse? Yeah from time to time there's some sort of a political earthquake worth discussing, or sometimes it is interessting... for a few minutes. What's the point of hanging out? What's the product of hanging out? Friends. But what was the use of that?
Ok, ok I'm cheating. I do need friends - I need the emotional support. I am not a block of ice. But still, it's but a fact that I rarely seek their companionship anymore. Bat Chen is coming over, and I'm okay with that... she wants to come over, why not? But it's more like I am more there for her than she is there for me. I just don't need her there right now, I would gladly waste a selfish few hours infront of the computer editting my story or reading others'.
Mother wants me to study, work, do some sport... but sports are blank and boring, work... I dunno, study... not like I have an assigment. I could go over stuff but somehow writing is the first thing on my mind these days. She wants me to go out with friends and maybe find myself a guy, but a boyfriend... I'm just too selfish for a boyfriend as I am now, I don't need one. I only need my peace and quiet. I have all the time in the world and I want it for myself.
What can I say? This is how I learnt to deal with my life - when in doubt, shut it out (and about now Ilana should be having a sympathic moment XD). It was once sad, now it's just habit. There's no need for any sort of emotion to be involved.
The computer isn't to be blamed, before the computer it was the streets, and unvacated houses' yards I would visit just in order to be alone. I could sit for hours thinking, I could pace around for hours thinking, even as a toddler of three, I could drown myself in my own small world. I can go about in circles my whole life, won't be exciting, but I can. The computer intrigues my thoughts, the internet allows me to share them... but bottom line I am just a thinker. I live in a virtual world.
My need for society is as it as never been. When I was young I could cry with self pity, hell, I was all about self pity for not being the coolest kid with all the friends. Now I have my friends, but what do you do with friends? There's a question. You go out? I can go out by myself alright. You converse? Yeah from time to time there's some sort of a political earthquake worth discussing, or sometimes it is interessting... for a few minutes. What's the point of hanging out? What's the product of hanging out? Friends. But what was the use of that?
Ok, ok I'm cheating. I do need friends - I need the emotional support. I am not a block of ice. But still, it's but a fact that I rarely seek their companionship anymore. Bat Chen is coming over, and I'm okay with that... she wants to come over, why not? But it's more like I am more there for her than she is there for me. I just don't need her there right now, I would gladly waste a selfish few hours infront of the computer editting my story or reading others'.
Mother wants me to study, work, do some sport... but sports are blank and boring, work... I dunno, study... not like I have an assigment. I could go over stuff but somehow writing is the first thing on my mind these days. She wants me to go out with friends and maybe find myself a guy, but a boyfriend... I'm just too selfish for a boyfriend as I am now, I don't need one. I only need my peace and quiet. I have all the time in the world and I want it for myself.