Reflection Upon a Review
I think I'm beginning to understand my last two years in University.
There are things I am good at, a lot of things actually.
As far back as I can remember I was always the 'weird' girl, in kindergarten I would play act a piano on the lunch table and drag about a bucket full of digging tools trying to recruit the other kids to make war with the "monster" in the garden tool shack. People laughed at me. I was singled out... though I couldn't help but notice the positive attention a nice drawing would earn me, a well phrased answer in a class or an exciting story I made up for the other girls in recess. I started craving attention through success... earning friends became my mission in life. One of my biggest childhood dreams was forming myself a group of friends, and in my head they all admired me.
I was jealous of the attention I got, when Reut came along in grade six and everyone started digging her comics book figures drawing instead of my cute houses and animals... when people started hanging out around her desk in recess complementing her works I could no longer bear being the less successful one - it was down to fists.
In middle school I was not as widely known as in high school, me and Bat Chen grew distant and suddenly I was almost all by myself. I kept drawing, but in 7th grade and up it seemed people minded their own notebooks more and others' less, especially mine which was not very useful if one wanted to study something.. I didn't shine out as I did in elementary school... many thought me stupid for my lack of cooperation with school and my absentmindedness. It was a frustrating time, my first real friend after Bat Chen only came along a year and a half after.
Moran was popular (though more so with boys than with girls) - she was popular, but mocked for not being overly bright (she was not great with mathematics I admit and I never really accomplished explaining to her how come 'the moon changes its shape', but she was intuitive in crazy levels when it came to dealing with people...). Disregarding the fact that it was not always nice and fuzzy between me and her, or her "friends" - she did put me back on my feet. So, through helping her with science I helped myself accept the term of studying - and she accepted me as a project that had two desired effects. One was getting grades, the second was getting popular.
Those were two long years when I did anything and went to all lengths to become well liked. I went window shopping with Moran almost every week and took all her advises, I almost became a version of her in the way I dressed (cutting out the pink or 'modern' fashion which I found 'yargh'). There was me, doing everything to get attention. It was an odd time, I became a fifth wheel in Moran's group of err... 'girls being the way boys like them', I hanged out with them, shared their room in school trips.. it was always 'theirs' for I never really became a part of them. It was too much out of my own element. I had fun being Moran friend, she is the kind of person that is alla bout fun and adventures... boys were even noticing me, and I tell you, I was one ugly teenager with daily unkempt hair (worse than it is now) and face usually FULLL of acne.
Still, we fell apart after two years - just like that. When I turned fifteen I discovered Miriam (and Harry Potter). I knew her before but stayed out of her company, she was the kind of person who didn't give a damn what other people thought - my first memory of her is from Or Yehuda, when we went on a school trip to a museum. She started spinning outside with this huge insane smile on her face and declared it was a beautiful day and that it felt rather good. This was before people really appreciated her for what she was, before she was popular… so I stayed away from her.
I am not sure how we became friends, maybe through Bat Chen. At fifteen 'weird' suddenly became special. Harry Potter was the hottest thing, even Moran read it. And so I joined Miriam's team of HP self proclaimed fangirls. I am not sure if I ever really changed from what I was back then before I friended her, still she showed me how you can laugh in society's face. Being unfashionable was not a rudimentary. Acting as you would like to act, dressing as you would like to dress… being something else, sticking out. So did I stop caring how impressive I was? No. I just found other ways to do it, it was through the things that I liked and fortunately Miriam liked also.
Sorry if this will sound ridiculous… but my creative and liberal self that was formerly only restricted to the internet was finally finding acceptance in the real world.
Looking back on this long post I am not sure all information included is relevant… because I am not perfect. My dreams of being accepted, of shining out in a crowd… they seemed achievable because I was aware of my talents. I could be many things… great things, awesome great things etc. There are many things I am good at, and I do them constantly… but the two things I find most important - acceptance and success, have been my biggest demise (melodrama, sorry).
I cannot touch success… because what I do love or would love to do I won't be good at, I won't excel at… others would keep outshining me. I cannot comprehend such a life… I know it's silly to want to be the best, but I am ambitious enough to want and be better than most. And the acceptance I craved will be denied… without touching success I would fail to prove it an innocent crime for one to be as weird and different as a world without and within kept me feeling.
This makes as much sense as feelings…
The road I really want to take is that of self destruction.
There are things I am good at, a lot of things actually.
As far back as I can remember I was always the 'weird' girl, in kindergarten I would play act a piano on the lunch table and drag about a bucket full of digging tools trying to recruit the other kids to make war with the "monster" in the garden tool shack. People laughed at me. I was singled out... though I couldn't help but notice the positive attention a nice drawing would earn me, a well phrased answer in a class or an exciting story I made up for the other girls in recess. I started craving attention through success... earning friends became my mission in life. One of my biggest childhood dreams was forming myself a group of friends, and in my head they all admired me.
I was jealous of the attention I got, when Reut came along in grade six and everyone started digging her comics book figures drawing instead of my cute houses and animals... when people started hanging out around her desk in recess complementing her works I could no longer bear being the less successful one - it was down to fists.
In middle school I was not as widely known as in high school, me and Bat Chen grew distant and suddenly I was almost all by myself. I kept drawing, but in 7th grade and up it seemed people minded their own notebooks more and others' less, especially mine which was not very useful if one wanted to study something.. I didn't shine out as I did in elementary school... many thought me stupid for my lack of cooperation with school and my absentmindedness. It was a frustrating time, my first real friend after Bat Chen only came along a year and a half after.
Moran was popular (though more so with boys than with girls) - she was popular, but mocked for not being overly bright (she was not great with mathematics I admit and I never really accomplished explaining to her how come 'the moon changes its shape', but she was intuitive in crazy levels when it came to dealing with people...). Disregarding the fact that it was not always nice and fuzzy between me and her, or her "friends" - she did put me back on my feet. So, through helping her with science I helped myself accept the term of studying - and she accepted me as a project that had two desired effects. One was getting grades, the second was getting popular.
Those were two long years when I did anything and went to all lengths to become well liked. I went window shopping with Moran almost every week and took all her advises, I almost became a version of her in the way I dressed (cutting out the pink or 'modern' fashion which I found 'yargh'). There was me, doing everything to get attention. It was an odd time, I became a fifth wheel in Moran's group of err... 'girls being the way boys like them', I hanged out with them, shared their room in school trips.. it was always 'theirs' for I never really became a part of them. It was too much out of my own element. I had fun being Moran friend, she is the kind of person that is alla bout fun and adventures... boys were even noticing me, and I tell you, I was one ugly teenager with daily unkempt hair (worse than it is now) and face usually FULLL of acne.
Still, we fell apart after two years - just like that. When I turned fifteen I discovered Miriam (and Harry Potter). I knew her before but stayed out of her company, she was the kind of person who didn't give a damn what other people thought - my first memory of her is from Or Yehuda, when we went on a school trip to a museum. She started spinning outside with this huge insane smile on her face and declared it was a beautiful day and that it felt rather good. This was before people really appreciated her for what she was, before she was popular… so I stayed away from her.
I am not sure how we became friends, maybe through Bat Chen. At fifteen 'weird' suddenly became special. Harry Potter was the hottest thing, even Moran read it. And so I joined Miriam's team of HP self proclaimed fangirls. I am not sure if I ever really changed from what I was back then before I friended her, still she showed me how you can laugh in society's face. Being unfashionable was not a rudimentary. Acting as you would like to act, dressing as you would like to dress… being something else, sticking out. So did I stop caring how impressive I was? No. I just found other ways to do it, it was through the things that I liked and fortunately Miriam liked also.
Sorry if this will sound ridiculous… but my creative and liberal self that was formerly only restricted to the internet was finally finding acceptance in the real world.
Looking back on this long post I am not sure all information included is relevant… because I am not perfect. My dreams of being accepted, of shining out in a crowd… they seemed achievable because I was aware of my talents. I could be many things… great things, awesome great things etc. There are many things I am good at, and I do them constantly… but the two things I find most important - acceptance and success, have been my biggest demise (melodrama, sorry).
I cannot touch success… because what I do love or would love to do I won't be good at, I won't excel at… others would keep outshining me. I cannot comprehend such a life… I know it's silly to want to be the best, but I am ambitious enough to want and be better than most. And the acceptance I craved will be denied… without touching success I would fail to prove it an innocent crime for one to be as weird and different as a world without and within kept me feeling.
This makes as much sense as feelings…
The road I really want to take is that of self destruction.