(no subject)
i'm getting pretty bored here. and I want something large to happen. besides the same kind of school thing and unrequited love thing - i mean with people around me - heaven knows it's funny when they or i get rejected to a point but, man, it gets old. i'm trying to make big things out of little things even more frequently because, hey, i'm american, and since i have just about every luxury, there is no need to worry or fret about anything. so, as a human being, i need to restore this temporary lack of problems, and i'm creating them as we speak. all those starving kids in africa LORD knows need a hot meal, someplace to sleep, and all of their problems to be effaced. of course, in the end, after their shit lives turned great and they had an endless supply of whateverthefuck, they'd get bored being so happy. but, i suppose i could be wrong. maybe, since they knew from experience the effects of poverty they'd learn to be grateful for everything they'd attained. you know. my opinion still stands, though. take, for example, a good book. good books are never all the way happy. there needs to be conflict. despair. loss. fear. that's what makes us human, and interesting, and that's what keeps us sane. there's adolescents with guns who think they're becoming a grown man or woman by learning to shoot and kill. when, in reality, they're fucking scared and pretty much just doing it as a last resort to restore the pride they've never had, but always imagined having. seems ironic. i hate how my friend Leslie uses the word "ironic". she thinks it's some sort of synonym of "coincidental". so, if i say i hate someone one day and then end up sitting next to them on the metro bus that night Leslie will proclaim, being the incredible sage that she is, "now THAT's ironic." i never correct her on it, though. i think it's because i'm unintentionally paying due to some backwards traditional duty of friendship that includes ignoring the idiotic things they say or do. i'm paying attention to it now, though. and it's really making me angry. there have been times when i've completely hated that girl lately. when she walks over to me with a smitten grin on her face after licking mark somewhere. and she giggles and says she "loves the little fucker." i pretty much want to push her off a cliff right about then. maybe because i know she's not really in love, and that he uses her like she's some kind of fucking animal. maybe because i envy her for being in a relationship, even if it's fake, at least it involves feeling something. but it's definitely not the kind of thing i'd ever permit myself to feel, so i doubt this. i decided to just start typing and this is what happened. it's like puking up thoughts. and flushing them. these journals are so pointless. and yet, i keep trying to emulate my heroes through them. like someday Sylvia Plath is going to waltz out of the grave, read something on here, and exclaim, "wow! how brilliant!" or like Bono is going to hear about my great livejournal saga and serenade me, explain to me all his inspiration behind "where the streets have no name" and what exactly "in god's country" means to him. i just want to talk to someone without pausing, feeling awkward, then feeling inferior for feeling awkward. i don't want to be the weak one in a relationship, or the strong one. but i want to be challenged, and i want to be irritated, and i want to have crazy arguments and debates without losing my partner's respect. and i want to be siphoned. whatever that might imply. just let it swim around in your brain until it drives you crazy. that's what i'm aiming at. those of you who make it so far in reading this post, anyway.
so, my feedback for the day.
yay.
so, my feedback for the day.
yay.