The Angel Watching Over Me
I feel the need to write an entry dedicated to my Grandma who died last week. I'm not sure why, considering I didn't do that for anyone else in such a direct sense. It's just that... some people are so foundational in your life that you don't ever contemplate their absence, and Grandma's death was so sudden, so unexpected, so shocking. None of us ever expected her to be before Grandpa, who has been much more sick and in and out of the hospital than she was. I know that she didn't know she was dying. That's what gets me... I don't know why she did. In the hospital, she simply stopped breathing, and a nurse and my grandpa were there, but they couldn't save her and all I can think about is all this medical technology that can bring people back after four hours-- why not my grandma, who was decently healthy, 68 years old, just a few seconds after her death? The explanation that I've come up with is that, even though she didn't know she was dying before (and I don't believe she had a death wish), once it happened, she didn't want to come back. Maybe she saw something- or someone. Maybe she saw my dad. I can't say that if I died today and they fought for my life, that if in that moment I saw my dad, I don't know that I would fight to stay alive, because I would want to go to him. Not that I necessarily believe any of that... but then, I don't necessarily believe anything. I like to make my own rules, and leave all my options open. But I wish she didn't have to go so soon...
I wish she could see my graduate from OU. If it weren't for her and my grandpa, I'd never have been here in the first place- they loaned me $4000 to go here the first year, which I paid back after my dad died. When I lived far from the high school I went to and didn't have a car to get there or to work, they gave me rides and Grandma was so worried about me having rides when they went on a six week vacation she loaned me the money to buy a car (my Probe!), and let me pay her back $80 a month. She was the epitome of a Grandma- a card for every single grandkid, every single holiday. She was so compassionate and contientious that she gave everyone equal amounts of love. After my dad died, though, I think that she felt a bit of a special affinity for me, her oldest grandchild, the oldest daughter of her youngest son. In January, Grandma and Grandpa went to Arizona for three months, and got back right before I went to Florida for spring break. So the day before I left for Florida, I went over and Grandma made me beef & noodles, and we sat and talked for awhile. Before I left, she gave me Easter candy, and gave me $40 that I tried not to take, but she insisted that she wanted me to get something for myself in Florida. I hugged her and said, "Grandma, you're going to spoil me to death!" and she said, "well, I don't do this for everyone." And I thought about that so much in Florida... it's weird how much I've been thinking about Grandma in the couple weeks before she died... almost like somewhere inside of me had a feeling, because I just kept thinking about how I needed her to know that she didn't have to cook or give me money for me to come over, and I needed her to know how much I appreciate her and everything she and Grandpa have done for me. I hope she knew. When they were leaving for those three months, Grandma was worried about me being in school and not having enough money for gas to get back to Springfield on the weekends and stuff, so she gave me a gift certificate for Speedway for $100. She was just so thoughtful, always so worried about me, making sure that I was okay. I love her so much for that... most of my life I've felt like I was fending for myself, but Grandma made me feel like someone was watching over me. I can't believe she's gone... no more cards, no more emails. It's so hard to comprehend... it's like trying to swallow that lump in my throat...
Every time I was over at Grandma and Grandpa's house last week I couldn't help feeling like if I walked in the other room, she'd be there, with that smile of hers... it was the best smile, the most warm smile you ever saw. She was such a beautiful person.
But this is becoming too hard to write, so I think I'm done for now...