Let Go
I should be finishing my Soc paper instead of writing in here, but... I'll probably concentrate better if I do something else for a few minutes.
Wudi talked to the commanding officer of his unit who just got back from Iraq. He said that it looked like the unit would be shipped again in a year to year and a half, even though they're supposed to be given two years.
A YEAR TO A YEAR AND A HALF???
Right when I'm supposed to, oh, graduate from OU, move across the country to Arizona with Wudi, getting an apartment with Wudi, and start law school. I can't afford to pay for an apartment by myself. I can't go by myself. There's no fucking way. One of my biggest flaws has always been dependency, and while I'm much better than I used to be, I can't move to Tucson alone. I would fall apart in about a million different ways.
So this makes me want to tell him "sign the papers!" for ROTC, if it guarantees he couldn't be deployed. But that circles back to everything I said last entry. If he does get deployed, what am I going to do? I can't just start law school here and then transfer... I mean, transfering law schools does happen, but not much, and it's just a terrible idea. So do I go somewhere here in Ohio, even though I wish I were already gone now? Do I put off law school (put off my life) and try to get a job for a year with my Soc degree? But that, technically, would be waiting on him. And it's already been decided that unless we're married when he ships out, we're not going to stay together while he's gone. I don't want to break up... I agree with it, it is too much pressure, but I just don't know what to do. What if I put off law school for him and then he comes back and doesn't love me? Or I don't love him? What if we don't know each other anymore if he leaves? I can't stand the thought. I just... I've never been good at being a romantic deep down. I'm too realistic and far too afraid of getting hurt to fall into optimistic traps and believe that love conquers all or anything. But for whatever reason, deep down, something inside me says that he's it, he's the one, and I sure as hell don't want to let that go. Wave goodbye and pretend that my heart didn't just die a little...
This is making me cry. I know I'm not just thinking about Wudi and the military, though. Thinking about him leaving feels a lot like thinking about dying...
Something about this anniversary is making me feel the hole in my heart that is the absence of my dad, and making me feel the presence that was, and always will be, my daddy.
I have to get back to my Soc paper. I have no idea how I'm going to get everything done by a week from Tuesday, which is the last day I have any finals or papers due. I have no idea how I'm going to survive the weekend... it's such a mess. Friday/Saturday is the anniversary of my dad's death (why both is kind of complicated), I have to work at the law office Thursday and Friday, I have to write a seven page Shakespeare paper, study for my Soc theory final (eek!), revise my ten page research essay, redo a library assignment from my English class... that might be it. But, on top of all of that... my roommate Brian's best friend Jeremy who's also an old friend of mine from middle school has just gotten back from Iraq, and he's coming over to stay with us Thursday thru Monday. I so much want to be able to be happy and fun and hang out with Jeremy, but I don't even know how it's going to be possible.
I guess the best thing would be to just turn off... but I don't know if I can, with how much it's already been affecting me, and if I could, I'm not sure that it'd be healthy... I'm afraid that in the midst of trying to suppress it I'd have a nervous breakdown instead.
Sorry this has been such a whiny downer entry. Next entry I'll post about the pretty stuff I bought recently or something. I do have to say, today was such a beautiful day, and such a tease. Almost 60 degrees, but by Tuesday it's back down to 30 and there to stay-- the forecast goes all the way to Sunday. Snow randomly. I really, really, really hate Ohio.
Wudi talked to the commanding officer of his unit who just got back from Iraq. He said that it looked like the unit would be shipped again in a year to year and a half, even though they're supposed to be given two years.
A YEAR TO A YEAR AND A HALF???
Right when I'm supposed to, oh, graduate from OU, move across the country to Arizona with Wudi, getting an apartment with Wudi, and start law school. I can't afford to pay for an apartment by myself. I can't go by myself. There's no fucking way. One of my biggest flaws has always been dependency, and while I'm much better than I used to be, I can't move to Tucson alone. I would fall apart in about a million different ways.
So this makes me want to tell him "sign the papers!" for ROTC, if it guarantees he couldn't be deployed. But that circles back to everything I said last entry. If he does get deployed, what am I going to do? I can't just start law school here and then transfer... I mean, transfering law schools does happen, but not much, and it's just a terrible idea. So do I go somewhere here in Ohio, even though I wish I were already gone now? Do I put off law school (put off my life) and try to get a job for a year with my Soc degree? But that, technically, would be waiting on him. And it's already been decided that unless we're married when he ships out, we're not going to stay together while he's gone. I don't want to break up... I agree with it, it is too much pressure, but I just don't know what to do. What if I put off law school for him and then he comes back and doesn't love me? Or I don't love him? What if we don't know each other anymore if he leaves? I can't stand the thought. I just... I've never been good at being a romantic deep down. I'm too realistic and far too afraid of getting hurt to fall into optimistic traps and believe that love conquers all or anything. But for whatever reason, deep down, something inside me says that he's it, he's the one, and I sure as hell don't want to let that go. Wave goodbye and pretend that my heart didn't just die a little...
This is making me cry. I know I'm not just thinking about Wudi and the military, though. Thinking about him leaving feels a lot like thinking about dying...
Something about this anniversary is making me feel the hole in my heart that is the absence of my dad, and making me feel the presence that was, and always will be, my daddy.
I have to get back to my Soc paper. I have no idea how I'm going to get everything done by a week from Tuesday, which is the last day I have any finals or papers due. I have no idea how I'm going to survive the weekend... it's such a mess. Friday/Saturday is the anniversary of my dad's death (why both is kind of complicated), I have to work at the law office Thursday and Friday, I have to write a seven page Shakespeare paper, study for my Soc theory final (eek!), revise my ten page research essay, redo a library assignment from my English class... that might be it. But, on top of all of that... my roommate Brian's best friend Jeremy who's also an old friend of mine from middle school has just gotten back from Iraq, and he's coming over to stay with us Thursday thru Monday. I so much want to be able to be happy and fun and hang out with Jeremy, but I don't even know how it's going to be possible.
I guess the best thing would be to just turn off... but I don't know if I can, with how much it's already been affecting me, and if I could, I'm not sure that it'd be healthy... I'm afraid that in the midst of trying to suppress it I'd have a nervous breakdown instead.
Sorry this has been such a whiny downer entry. Next entry I'll post about the pretty stuff I bought recently or something. I do have to say, today was such a beautiful day, and such a tease. Almost 60 degrees, but by Tuesday it's back down to 30 and there to stay-- the forecast goes all the way to Sunday. Snow randomly. I really, really, really hate Ohio.